volume one hundred and twelve

lockdown diaries (part 4)

📍Sent from Vancouver, where Autumn arrived overnight and the blue skies are delivering cool breezes ready for sweat pants and warm drinks.

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✏️ This is part four of my lockdown journals. You can read part one here,  two here and three here.

2020

October 1st: I’ve been using my reusable makeup remover cloths in the shower every night and then throwing them over trying to get them in their laundry bag hanging on the back of the door. Today I DID IT! And I did SUCH a happy Ferris Bueller inspired dance about it in the shower.*

*We were back to being alone, can you tell?

October 4th: Hiked up Mount Royal to see the beautiful Fall colours on the trees that have begun to change. A crisp, warm, sunny Fall day.

October 5th: Chats with Poppy shedding some tears and love and gratefulness. I told him I workout because of him kicking my butt in a workout the last time we were together*. It made him so happy. I’ll remember this (I’ll try to) every time I work out now. Doing it for Poppy!

*We went for a nice stroll around the lake and on the way back he said “This is where my group stops for exercises” and proceeded to do lunges and pull-ups on the pergola and push-ups on the bench seats. So I joined in, and I hurt for almost two weeks. I workout every day now. I am more of a yoga gal and will never be able to do a pull-up, but it was a call to care for myself so I can be strong in my 80s.

October 7th: How lucky am I to have a Nan who beat cancer? Of course, I wish she never had it to begin with but ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO!* She’s kickass! I just love how we are friends now since we have been talking on the phone so much during this time. It is so special.

*NONE TO GO! In the present day, that legend keeps getting great results with every checkup!

October 11th: Packed my apartment for an amazing next chapter.*

*It was saving money. That was the chapter. The rent was much cheaper and I had been indulging a lot in booze and material things through the lockdowns trying to fill the void in my life that it was catching up with me. Before I got sober it was a lot of “THIS will change then life will be good!” over and over… and over and over it was “Oh, that change I made didn't fix me, what will I change next?” FUN!

October 12th: Decided to have a FaceTime date with a lovely lady, and I am so excited by the idea. Even if nothing happens with her, the excitement shows me what I have doubted and been afraid of pursuing… I LOVE WOMEN!

October 13th: Maybe I am attracted to mostly all women and only important men?*

*Folks, ahhhhhh… this is a very good indicator that I may be a lesbian who is attracted to unattainable men so that I never have to pursue anything with them because it will never happen. Present-day Lauren is lingering in Q in LGBTQIA+ and by that, I mean Questioning. Stay tuned!

October 16th: The last night in my first Montreal home. It’s strange but beautiful. I’m SO grateful for my time here and the wonderful shelter this place has provided me and the person I’ve continued to grow into under this roof. Thank you l’hotel de ville, you’ve taken great care of me.

October 19th: I had my first “pandemic date” on FaceTime with [name redacted] and it was nearly two hours long and lovely. Women are so much easier to chat with. There were no nerves at all for me, and usually dating men there are many.*

*I KNOW. I KNOW. We are QUESTIONING. Compt-het is a real thing I am desperately trying to unlearn or learn what I feel and what has been thrust on me by society. It takes time, baby. There is no right or wrong time, all at your own pace.

October 20th: I built some shelves for my new bedroom that said it should be a two-person job, so I am basically a wizard.

October 25th: Crying, hungover, sipping tea and watching Always Be My Maybe is peak Lauren*. It was nice to cry! It’s been a minute since I have felt anything but wonderful. Is that weird? I’m grateful for emotions and my heart that feels all so big and small because it feels the good so strong too and makes being grateful so much easier.

*Peak alcoholism-progressing Lauren.

October 29th: A squirrel right outside my window this morning with an entire slice of pizza (that was not mine!) in its mouth haha!

i lived on the third floor…

November 2nd: 7 years “in the making” I got my scars on my arm covered* today. How very therapeutic and wonderful and how full circle and next chapter ready I continue to become. Constantly evolving. Constantly growing. Grateful for all who make that so and today that was [tattoo artist].

*With tattoos. The strange times when sitting in a tattoo parlour for hours was allowed but friends at your house were not.

back when i had long hair and all my clothes had become “oversized” because i sat on the couch all day and i forgot how waistbands felt

November 7th: DANCING! In the streets of USA and in my kitchen! 2020 Election results are a ray of hope and such AMAZING NEWS that we all needed*. I’m so happy and I cried (quite a bit). This is a huge relief. There is still work to do, but it really feels like it can actually happen now. YES! YES! YES! The world can begin to unite and heal a little again.

*Remember when we all started breathing a little easier?

November 15th: I am proud of you. You are becoming the best, most grown, most enlightened, kind, spiritual version of yourself that you can be right now.* Today, you really did that and I am proud of you.

*Thank you Life Coaching!

November 16th: I have a crush. I have a big crush. A crush like I’ve never felt, where it’s instant and doesn’t feel like usual (The usual is a “But what do I do to get out of it?” crush). A crush where I’m just SMITTEN with a beautiful girl. I’m writing novel-length texts to her and she’s doing the same and I have to refrain from saying too much or too often so I play it cool… I’ve missed a crush and I am not sure if I’ve ever gotten one like this before.

Lovely reader, what was the last movie you cried while watching?

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

🧘 Back to reality, after a truly moving and close-to-god experience on my travels. Seeking to find (or rather hang on to and remember) that connection in the everyday.

🍂 Did Autumn truly just show up overnight? Yes! Here come the sweatpants!

🪱 Is it too-much-caffiene anxiety or is it anxiety-anxiety? Or both?

here are three blessings from this week:

🏡 Graceland — and in particular the Meditation Garden — was a place where I listened and heard what I was meant to hear.

🙏 Visiting the Civil Rights Museum was moving and educational. It wasn’t until I got there that I realised it was located at the Lorraine Motel. It was a place for learning, prayer and reflection.

🎟️ Visits from wonderful friends on my return to Vancouver made it feel like I jumped from one vacation into another, playing tourist in a place I am saying goodbye to soon.

here are three goals for the coming week:

🗒️ Tackle one task at a time.

⏸️ Stay present and in the moment.

✨ Hang on to (and follow through with) the messages received on my trip, from the tarot cards, and from my Higher Power.

pics or it didn’t happen:

how to pick just one? but i did.

I love you. Now I am off to try to harness this fuel and passion for my creativity, living my truth and expressing myself through my work that was gifted to me while being surrounded by other creators on my trip through Nashville and Memphis… all while trying to do the things I also have to do every day as a human being.

🧡, LD (lauren deborah | she/they)