volume one hundred and eight
lockdown diaries (part 2)
📍Written in part from my desk in Vancouver, looking out at a grey building, and in part from Nova Scotia from a deck chair on a lazy Sunday morning looking out at the ocean. On both occasions, I was writing while everyone else still slept.
✏️ This is part 2 of my lockdown journals. You can read part 1 here.
2020
May 10th: When I was 16, the boy I was fooling around with (I WAS STILL A VIRGIN* AND THIS HAPPENED!) asked me why I had pubic hair in a way that made me feel so embarrassed that I have been bald down there ever since … Today something came over me and while shaving I left [some there] … WOAH - I feel sexy! … SHIT! So many years of SHITTY 16-year-old dude advice (and the lack of protest of every dude since) came undone today.
*I know now that, obviously, virginity is a myth. This entry as the start of this volume is peak lockdown vibes.
May 11th: Had the best chat with Mum. Laughed, I cried, we caught up, I helped her update her resume so she can find a job she deserves. She gave me the greatest gift — she made me promise as soon as I can travel I see Nan and Pop. Others can wait or come to me … From a Mum who I have literally talked for hours in therapy about how she makes me feel guilty for leaving her — this is the kindest gift I’ve gotten and she doesn’t even know it.
May 18th: The first “normal” day in a long, long time! I went for a long, long walk with [the only two people I knew in that city at that time] — soaking up sun, icy poles, chats, new bakeries, beautiful alleys, street art, parks and just amazing to have company. I am so happy about today.
May 23rd: The sweet lady at the post office told me I have a beautiful accent. She said it’s soft and sweet. That made my day. I love small chats with kind strangers — now I want to post lots of things because I enjoy getting to chat. She’s the only one ever there. She works so hard with lines out the door most days. I’ll find reasons to chat to her more — so she feels appreciated* if I can.
*But actually also so I could have someone to talk to.
May 26th: I worked out with the curtains open for the first time because why the heck not? I danced and yoga’ed and realised no one could see me and if they happened to, more importantly, I don’t care.
June 5th: I watched the sunset down by the river and it was pink and blue and pretty like [my old Aussie town] river at sunset. Then made the walk home as it started to rain heavily. It was so warm — both the weather and the rain — the little streets looked so pretty at night. I’ve never seen them in the dark because I am always in the house. I felt like I was in New Orleans … I just love this city.
June 12th: Nanny got great results and she doesn’t have to have another cancer check-up until December! This makes me so happy! She is kicking ASS!
June 29th: I swam in a beautiful and warm creek, swimming for the first time in years!
…
I fed racoons chips. THE BEST DAY since I moved!
June 22nd: [my niece] kissing the screen (me) on FaceTime <3
June 23rd: BIG thunderstorms and very humid weather, just like home! This used to be my fav weather. I will remember that as I readjust.
June 27th: Celebrated Pride very differently this year. Glitter face mask was as “dressed” up as I got. However, I watched an incredible doc on the history of pride. I am so grateful for those who came before me so that Pride exists.
June 28th: I had people over at my house!
June 29th: My morning walk through the neighbourhood listening to [podcast] and loving how it makes me giggle and smile. Later on my afternoon walk* I see a man smiling not at me, to himself, something he was thinking about made him happy as he walked along. It made me smile and think about how smiles are contagious and I want to try and do it more on my walks — at people, to myself, at what I see or hear or think…
*All of the entries I am leaving out are just 3-hour walk and 3-hour phone call logs. So-many-of-them.
July 2nd: I love my mornings! Early riser, walks, workouts… Today I got the freshest bread from the bakery right after they opened. I feel so cool as an early-morning person. So superior but not obnoxiously so. Just happily so.
July 4th: It’s been almost 4 months since I hugged or touched someone. Today I hugged [my bubble, remember those?] and fuck it was wonderful. We just moved around hugging each other once we realised that was what we were going to do*. Gosh, I was so happy.
*There was much discussion about it first.
July 11th: Bawled my fucking eyes out for all and no reasons. I needed that. Life is weird, life is hard right now. I am very alone but also very lucky. There’s just so much I can’t wait to do with my life. Fingers crossed this is all over soon and my loved ones are kept safe.
July 13th: Hold on. The things that make your heart sing and your tummy flutter — follow that feeling!!! Especially when it gets hard. There are so many things you want to do. Life’s special and not promised to last until you’re old. It’s tough right now but know that you will get to see your loved ones and you will travel the world and you will follow all your dreams. Take it one day at a time.
July 14th: My heart could explode with how lucky and happy I feel talking to [my best friend]. I cannot believe she is my BFF. I am a LUCKY GIRL!
July 15th: It’s so hard to be happy. This sucks. When will it fucking end??? People need to wear a fucking mask and stay THE FUCK HOME. I need to see my family and I need to be in any company other than my own. I just realised it’s been 4 months as of yesterday. I’m proud of myself for making it this far. I don’t think I’ll make it through another four. Something has got to give. Please!
July 19th: It’s so hard right now. All of it. I am so grateful I have so many people I love.
July 23rd: Had my intro session with [life coach]. I’m excited to unlock myself into more and unleash all of my potential.
Lovely reader, how do you offer yourself grace in times of emotional distress outside of your control? I am slowly learning.
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here are three things I struggled with this week:
🤷When you realise you blew an opportunity you were far too self-involved to recognise was ever even once there.
🧆 My chickpea allergy is not to be fucked with and I learned that the hard way thinking I could outsmart it. I cannot.
📱Phone calls over texts every day. How do I get everyone in the world on board?
here are three blessings from this week:
👜 Do you ever just daydream about the perfect thing? For me, it was a handbag; small enough, big enough, sturdy enough, thrifted, preferably tortoiseshell or snake skin in texture but not reality, something Mila Kunis might use in That 70s Show. Then you find it in a thrift store for $12? I can’t stop whispering “You’re perfect” every time I pass her hanging on the coat rack.
🌊 Being by the ocean.
🕺 Dancing and singing so much that my body aches and my throat burns and it was worth every single minute.
here are three goals for the coming week:
🫠 I can totally be ready to move to Australia by the end of this week in time for travels and visit from friends, right? Right?
⛔ Practice the art of saying no a little more without the guilt attached.
🪴 Decide which of my beloved plants is going to which of my beloved humans when I leave.
pics or it didn’t happen:
I love you. Now I am off to try to get the rest of my entire life sorted — for my Digital Nomad Era — in the span of a week. Wish me luck!
I had a painful and emotionally draining trigger reaction last week. It was awful. It was not even rooted in facts, only my own deepest fears. The way I showed myself grace is letting it all out and acknowledging it’s part of myself. And knowing I am a lot more than this and it doesn’t define me. Hope that helps 🫶🏾
I do love reading your progress through those old diaries 🙂
I'm terrible at giving myself grace. Mostly I give myself blame.