volume one hundred and six
lockdown diaries (part 1)
📍Written with gratitude as I read the decline of someone’s mental health who (as you read over the different parts, this being part 1) crawled out to be the next and best version of themself in so many ways.
🎤 Upcoming shows:
Too Funny Stand Up, The Show Cellar, August 15th
As I have mentioned, I have been purging journals to make room for my next chapter — lighter in things and in memories — and some bits have to be shared with you or I cannot call myself a chronic oversharer.
Here are some excerpts* of journal entries from the time that was global lockdowns.
*Because if I wrote the whole entry you would get a lot of useless information and this way you just get the juicy parts. (Plus I also left out the masturbation recaps of which there were quite a few and the many, many (2-3 hour!!) phone calls I made during that time, because… what else was there to do solo, in a new city, isolated and alone but these two things?)
2020
March 7th: DANCING! And lots of laughter!
March 9th: Hosted a wonderful dinner party with my favourites. Lots of laughter, wine, food and tears were had.
March 11th: 2x coffee dates, 1x lunch date, 1x happy hour. I am surrounded by gems and saying goodbye is hard.
March 13th: I’m so grateful for the love of my friends who all shower me in cuddles and happiness and I cannot believe how many people I am lucky enough to miss.
March 14th: Goodbye Vancouver, hello Montreal. A new beginning awaits. All my positive energy and vibes into this — this is the life I deserve and I’ve worked for.
March 15th: My new neighbourhood is bliss. I didn’t explore much because I am self-isolating (COVID-19*) but I got essentials, fresh air, my bearings and absorbed all the sunshine and awesome businesses around me that I’ll get to enjoy once we are all safe.
*This makes me giggle as if I would need reminding what COVID-19 is when I read this back and also self-isolating is not exploring lightly, Lauren. Oh, what we didn’t know.
March 17th: Positives of isolation are: lots of phone chats.
March 18th: Rest in peace, my dear friend Andrew Vaughan. You were kind, honest, fun, thoughtful, loving, caring and always kept in touch. You were one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. I’ll always be sad I didn’t get to see you perform or hug you one last time but I am so grateful for the times we had together. You’re truly one of a kind. The world lost a true delight today. I love you, mate.
March 20th: Day 6* in isolation. I realised today I act the way I do in relationships… because that’s the only love I’ve known from watching my parents. To do after this is over: Undo, work through and help me find fair, open, loving love that I deserve and that I want to give with someone else but also with myself.
*Day 6…not even an entire week. Isolation really did it to us, hey?
March 21st: Today is harder. Being alone and also worrying about my family is hard. There was a lot of thought today. I’m grateful for good food, friend-led Instagram live yoga, texts from loved ones and people who reach out and me being able to have so many people I care about and reach out to them. It’s easy to get through when we are all in this together.
March 22nd: That satisfying feeling where you realise you did always dress fun, do your hair and do your make-up for you and no one else. A week of neither made me feel less me.
…
I am appreciating my reset on always being busy. I’m slowing down, resting, even being lazy and I don’t mind. I’ll do it while I can.
March 23rd: I have been alone for so many days now.
March 24th: [my sister] told me about Just Dance on YouTube so I started my day with 4 dances and a huge smile on my face.
…
In an uncertain world, there is so much hope. I am thankful for all those I have the honour to share my happiness with.
March 25th: It’s a strange, ever-changing new world. I am so grateful I have my job still … when my friends return to work I will make sure it’s as easy as possible … thank you universe for taking care of me.
March 26th: I led a Zoom art class with my family today and it was such a fun way for us all to be “together” right now.
March 27th: Please, universe, keep my family safe so that I can laugh with them all in person soon.
March 28th: All my things arrived with the movers today. I spent the day unpacking and making this place a home. Please let us all get through this so that I can bring my loved ones here to visit one day.
April 1st: One thing I promise to do after this pandemic is to continue romancing myself: wine, my favourite music, and taking my time to prepare and plate the perfect meal. I should not have waited for a pandemic to be the love of my fucking life.
April 4th: Sat in the sun for two hours today! I wrote a letter to Nan and Pop.
April 7th: (Day 25) In a weird way this is the best time to have come to a new city. With every solo walk I have very little distractions. I am taking in every brick, piece of street art, window display, cute house, park, restaurant or bar I want to try…
April 9th: I created my 5-year plan… okay well I am aiming for 6 years when I am 35, but still!*
*There were then pages of detail of said plan which may not surprise you is no longer the plan.
April 12th: I don’t think I have ever found myself more beautiful or appreciated the complexities of who I am physically before.
April 16th:... it’s a shame that it didn’t happen when we were in the same city BUT I think that is the world right now — bringing people closer together.
April 18th: Belly laughter like I haven't had in so long. I loved it.
April 20th: [work colleague] called me today as they knew I was supposed to be going to Australia to see my family soon and wanted to make sure I was okay.
April 22nd: [brother-in-law] sent me a link to a quarantine set of a country singer he knew I would like. I sat there, head back looking at the sky through the window as it took over me and tears streamed down my face… I am lucky to have family who think of me.
April 26th: Just met my new pet, a spider I named Rosa*. She’s in my room and I feel close to home now. I had a nice chat with her and thanked her for keeping me company. I hope she sticks around so I can chat to her more.
*I was watching Brooklyn 99 at the time for sure.
May 3rd: Got caught in the rain on my way to the shops on a warm spring day. It was so lovely and refreshing and smelled amazing.
May 4th: I feel like every time I talk to Nan our conversations are more real. Then Poppy got on the phone and I could tell he was having a good day memory-wise as he knew who I was. He had just gotten back from a haircut and I asked him about it and he said “Let me look” and then said “WOAH!” like it was terrible and then he said “Just kidding!” and was laughing so much… I could imagine him laughing so much that his shoulders were jumping up and down like he does when he chuckles. I love them both so much. I am supposed to be at their home right now.
May 5th: [lesbian love story documentary] stirred up so many emotions. I felt more tonight (like really felt) more than I have in some time, probably since being alone.
May 9th:* Today I had a nice chat with the cashier at a new grocery store I tried. I cannot believe how much I missed polite, kind, genuine small talk with people in stores. Thank you universe for sending me this super-friendly Anglophone angel <3
*Almost two months to the day since I had had an in-person conversation with someone.
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Lovely reader, do you have journals from this time? Are you ready for part 2 next week (and maybe part 3 the following week — there was a lot of journaling).
I’m so grateful to those who read my substack 🧡 because I really love creating it for you. This substack will always be free, however, should you choose to become a monthly paid subscriber of this reader-supported publication, you’d be putting a little tip in my pocket as thanks for the work I put into every post.
🧡🧡🧡 Comments, likes, the chat, shares, listening to my podcast and kind messages are all other ways you can support me, too.
here are three things I struggled with this week:
💤 Pride week is just spending all your money and getting no sleep. (But I wouldn’t change a thing despite running solely on coffee.)
✈️ There is so much to do and so little time before I head on my next big adventure! (Including other adventures before then!)
🧆 As I have had every test under the sun performed on me and lots of bloodwork done and been put on wild diets and worked with doctors to get to the bottom of the pain I am constantly in that leaves me in the foetal position for 10-12 hours at a time unable to do anything else… it turns out that it might be a chickpea allergy and as a vegetarian and a human, I am absolutely devastated.
here are three blessings from this week:
🌈I did my first ever live podcast show at Vancouver Pride at what I thought would be the cute chill stage with about 20 people or so and around 500 people were there. Oh, and it was WILDLY FUN!
🥲 All of the love and support this week from all corners of the globe! Thank you! I love you!
🛌 My bed.
here are three goals for the coming week:
📟 Let the 30+ unread texts remain as long as I need them to and feel no pressure to reply in a hurry because I am busy and booked and creatively inspired and texts are not urgent.
🌅 No matter what, my morning ritual is non-negotiable. The day may bring whatever it brings and that is out of my control, but waking early and getting my time in sets me up for anything.
💐 You might see some ch-ch-changes here in the coming weeks! I am many things creatively, but I am me as a whole. So I am bringing all my worlds together in one place so folks can discover every aspect of me at once. What does this mean for you? More of me. You’re welcome!
here is something I enjoyed this week:
NEW FAV SUBSTACK ALERT! My cool and funny friend, Rory, managed to keep the fact that this existed from me for far too long. So let me do that promo on his behalf and say, if you like movies (yes) and you like Rory (you soon will), please treat yourself to
!pics or it didn’t happen:
I love you. Now I am off to prepare for a giant clothing sale out the front of my house this Saturday, ready to get myself down to one suitcase for that sweet, sweet nomad life. In Vancouver? Come by East Van and own a little part of my wardrobe for a very small price!
LD
xoxo
Going back in time is a brave thing to do Lauren - I appreciate your strength & honesty in sharing all parts of you! You are a wonderful human - keep being YOU x
Befriending that spider perfectly captured how analogous pandemic lockdown was to prison life.
Anxiously awaiting future throwback volumes!