volume thirty-eight

you say goodbye, I say hello

Howdy friends 🤠

As most of you who have been reading these weekly rambles for a while already know, I moved recently. As in just a few days ago recently. Across the country. Downsizing my life of almost eight years and an entire apartment into four suitcases.

seven years on, a few more bags (and life experiences). here we go again ✈️🤠🕺🏻🌈🧸🌙🧡😭✨😍✍️🧳

I am exhausted, but am happily adjusting to the life I have created: freelance, write, create, write, be with friends, write, relax, be here, prepare for a life of travel for the foreseeable future, prepare for some extended time living back home in Australia with those I love, write.

With all that in mind, I don’t have the oomph to bring you two thousand odd words on a crush or a sobriety ahah! moment or a much of anything really this week*, as my brain says “what city are we in?” and also “what are we working on?” and “have we unpacked?” and “have we adjusted our schedule to suit this timezone?” and “are we making time for the things we love and making sure not to fall into old habits now we are back in a city we used to live in?” and also “why am I hungry at this weird hour?” which leads it to “where is the grocery store?”... you get it.

*she said before word vomiting yet again.

Instead, here are some things I have observed with immense gratitude over this transition period:

I left my apartment Friday morning and right before leaving, one of my four suitcases broke. I had to rush to buy another, and it resulted in visiting a shop I love (the owner of) one last time in my neighbourhood. This meant the wonderful woman who owns it and I could say goodbye, and she could wish me well by giving me as much free chocolate as I wanted (it was my breakfast and it was the best).

I left to go to my wonderful pal, Audrey’s place, for the weekend before boarding my flight to the west coast on the Monday. As soon as I arrived, she let me lay, or rather collapse, there on her wooden floor — exhausted, defeated, emotions all over, eyes closed, word vomiting about a rude cab driver until I caught my breath and could remove my entire life from her doorway and hallway without her once questioning it or laughing at it or trying to fix it or be anything other than a friend who listened. Just being there, holding that space exactly as I needed it in that moment.

Audrey and I spent the weekend watching musical movies in bed, eating yummy dinner that we cooked together, getting fresh pastries, enjoying the first spring sunshine and long walks, treating ourselves to massages at my favourite place, yelling song lyrics out of tune from one end of the apartment to the other, taking funny photos, sipping tea, enjoying yummy poutine and (me) drinking fresh juice from the market in excess and giving myself an accidental juice cleanse…

It was a weekend of downtime — relaxing, being together, resting, preparing for this next stage in perfect company. I am so grateful to have spent that time with her in her home before I left.

Sunday night I went to see Nick Cave and Warren Ellis and it was what I would describe as church. As I knew it would be. I booked the ticket last year and when this next life chapter called to me, I knew I had to time it so that I would stay in Montreal for this show. It was the perfect send-off. The perfect hello to my new beginning and goodbye to this chapter. I was so moved and taken to another place. I laughed and cried when Nick said  “I love when I hear you say “woo!” because it’s probably the first time a lot of you have said it in two years”.

*SCREAMS OF WOO FROM THE AUDIENCE*

I am so grateful for that whirlwind of experience I was taken on during the three-hour show with THREE ENCORES. No, not three more songs for the encore, I mean they came back out three more times. I could have stayed there all night, and apparently so could everyone else. When I left the concert I was on such an emotional high I didn’t know what to do with the energy. My attention was caught by those discussing where to go and grab a drink and continue their night, and I knew that feeling well. Then I passed someone sitting in an armchair in the lobby. Someone I recognised from when we were all taking our seats and I admired their style. This person was sitting and writing in a journal. I could have cried (again). This is exactly what I needed to do, so here is a portion of what messily fell out of me in that moment:

I feel deeply spiritual, in love, inspired to create, ready, turned on, homesick (for where?), driven to follow my heart, grateful, moved & changed, present, wanting to fall in love to share this feeling with someone because it is bursting out of me, unstoppable, taken yet returned to self, poetic, right here in this moment and nowhere else. 

I left Montreal the next day, but not before wandering the neighbourhood for sunshine, fresh air and poutine. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel excited. I just felt satisfied, content, calm, and ready. It was new and refreshing to feel this way before something so big and I was scared I was broken for not feeling anything. Thankfully my sponsor (and my life coach the next day) would tell me this is just the amazing growth of recovery. I no longer feel things to a point of high anxiety and I am able to accept them as they are. I am also making choices based on what is right not in chaos, so this move is not a “fuck it let’s blow my life up!” move, it is a meant to be one. I am creating the life that I desire.

After I arrived in BC, I was picked up from the airport by one of my favourite people who I haven’t seen in two years. He and his girlfriend who I was so excited to finally meet, drove me to my new home and helped me with my bags at one o’clock in the morning and we exchanged huge hugs.

When I woke in the morning, I got to enjoy the blooming cherry blossoms out the window and lining the street. I got to make small talk with a barista for the first time in two years. I got my feet literally stopped in their tracks by the site of the mountains — I will never take the size and scope and beauty and awe of those for granted again. When I finally sat to write at my new-to-me desk, all set up and ready to go, a butterfly flew past my window, slowly, making sure I saw it, and landed on the wall to sit with me. The butterfly is the gentle nod to me that everything is going to be okay.

I am living in a beautiful place with two amazing friends who are creators and artists, too. They have designed the most welcoming home and I couldn’t agree more when they told me on day one, that it feels like I have already lived here forever. I slot in perfectly to this kitchen and armchair and conversations and together times and own-space time and amongst the plants and art and neighbourhood and atmosphere and energy.

I am so very happy and my tarot reading on day one supports my hopes and crushed my doubts and lifted me up and reminded me to keep going with the Lauren I found over the last two years. She needs to be here, adding to the community, being her authentic self and being who she truly is despite going back to a place she has been many times and people not recognising this version. They will get to know her and they will like her or not, but she is here to stay. Please be here with me to help me hang onto her.

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Missing the struggles, blessings and goals this week? They will be back next week when I am better rested! I would love for you to leave yours in the comments, though 💖

If you feel inclined to say thanks for this post, please like or comment (it’s free and means so much!), forward it to a friend or you can buy me a slice 🍕