volume sixty-three

this might be the most sleep-deprived nonsense volume yet

*NOTE ON THE AUDIO RECORDING: Sorry pals I wasn’t connected to my headphones, but rather the laptop mic and as a result at one short moment you can’t hear what I am saying. Know that all you miss is me frantically checking to make sure the phone in my hotel room wasn’t left off the hook. It will make sense in the context.

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hi, lauren deborah! is free for subscribers every week.

feel I am not sharing enough? ask me a question and I will answer it in a future post.

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Some of you know I rely on my old school, battery-operated, bell-ringing alarm clock so that I never begin or end my day with my phone (not because I think I am better than anyone or doing something great by having this rule in place, but because I cannot be trusted not to lose time — lots of time — on it as soon as I pick it up). Well, I can’t exactly take it with me when I travel (although I have been known to) so something I really like about travelling for work is getting hotel wake-up calls. I love the act of (probably, more than likely) dialling 0 from my hotel room, and being greeted by a friendly voice to make the request. My cheeriness and gratitude shared with them as I express my thanks for the help. My younger self feeling the flip of the days when I was on the other end of that phone and was envious of people who jet-set their way around the world and could do things like order a phone call to wake them. My present-day self applauding me for accepting help, and for making a phone call — two things that a year ago would have caused me too much anxiety to act upon — thanks to 12-step programs I am shifting that.

I adore being an early morning person but it is usually several hours of solitude before I have a voice interaction with someone else. When I order a wake-up call, the first voice I hear at 4:30am is a kind human who has been awake all night, probably highly caffeinated to the point of blurry vision, but their voice says “Good morning! Have an excellent day!” and I thank them and wish the same for them. I have not been that other highly caffeinated voice on the other end in many years, but I still recall the days of working until 7am and encountering night owls, drunks, early birds and delayed travellers at all hours of the night and wee hours of the morning and I truly am grateful for the voice on the other end — wishing you blackout curtains, rain sounds and quiet neighbours when you crawl into bed as the sun rises — dear helpful human.

The act of hearing someone say good morning to me, is a taste of what I daydream about for myself in a future chapter. Let me preface this volume by saying yes Fall is upon us, so yes I am horny as hell for cuddles, and I am also simultaneously so obsessed with being the one damn love of my life and not having anyone interrupt that at any moment soon. However, ‘tis the season Lauren gets all up in her heart and groin feelings and craves a little something. Maybe this time each year there is just going to be a little horny-for-hugs word vomit and then I will carry on with my life. I need this.

It is a little over a month until I head to Australia for the Winter months, meaning escaping seasonal depression, arriving for the Summer months in the motherland and getting out of this temperature drop that has me reeling. Until then, I face the fact that I, as nature intended, crave someone to ask “Hey, do you want to go and see a movie this afternoon?” on a quiet Thursday, I want someone to suggest we cook this delicious meal together tonight, I want someone to greet the day with me as I struggle to get out of bed the colder and colder my toes feel in the morning.

As I work on being the love of my life, I also work on the idea that one day, maybe years from now, there is no rush or even necessity, if someone who fits the life I have created comes along (and I fit theirs) we will be able to share these early morning moments. Ideally, we are both creatives, both morning people, sharing coffee and kisses and quiet before the sun even greets us for the day. Maybe side by side in silence in bed, me typing away as I am to you right now, perhaps they’re sketching or writing or reading or plotting. But they share the idea that mornings are sacred, slow, peaceful and joyfully and without pressure productive.

As I evaluate the idea of having someone in my life who might fit this idea, I think about other aspects of my life too, like the Thursday afternoon movie, and it’s gotten me thinking some more about how that looks and feels for me. It is hard for me to write this next part as I don’t like the idea of someone uncovering this volume in five years when my life may look very different, and saying “HA! Liar!”. So to you, future, very likely imaginary human I have created out of fear, I say shut up. First of all, this is my heart in this moment, and second of all, note to self: you are allowed to change your mind, all the time, always. Once upon a time, I claimed to be straight so there is your proof. If you are living your most authentic self at this moment, and it is safe for you to be doing so, nothing needs to change until it needs to change for you.

So with the fear preamble aside, at this moment, in this early morning, I want to talk to you about how I would adore being in a throuple.

I have mentioned this in passing before and I am sure to most of you it was perceived as a joke, mostly because I said I wanted it to be with Phil and Claire Dunphy. But as a demisexual who takes forever to maybe fall for someone, and as a result that someone may be multiple people at any one given time, as a woman who is (sometimes to a fault) independent, as a woman who is working on her co-dependency, as a woman who craves so much the idea of love in the same way she craves to be alone, I want to up the stakes. Maybe you’re wondering how adding another person to the mix of what society perceives as the norm (you’re wrong, society, let’s all just be happy and kind and do our own thing) could possibly make it easier to keep my independence and help with my co-dependence. Maybe, just maybe, this decision is well thought out and has nothing to do with the fact that Just The Two Of Us (gorgeous song) has been playing everywhere I go this week and I am considering it a sign worth fighting.

Think about it like this, on Monday, the three of us spend the night together after tackling the start of the week, unwinding and sharing our recaps with each other while we cook and share a meal. Maybe we then go for a walk or cuddle and watch a movie before enjoying an early night. Maybe it is all of the above.

On Tuesday, I head to my artist’s date and the two of them have a date night, doing whatever they please. I enjoy my solitude, they enjoy one-on-one time and the balance is right in the world. For the rest of the week, we enjoy variations of all spending time together, one-on-one hangouts and alone time that is so needed and necessary. Everyone gets what they need, assuming that the other two parties in this ‘everyone’ are needing and wanting the same things as me as this is the best way, it will work. I’m assuming.

I am aware that a healthy relationship between two people could also see this balance but I am also aware that I am not capable of that yet for two reasons. The first being wanting alone time makes me feel guilty for leaving someone ‘alone’ still (heyyyyyyyy co-dependence) and the second being I don’t want to choose between having a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner. I want it all because I love so many (once I get to know you and form an emotional connection and then potentially just never get to the romantic feelings on account of my demisexuality, but also, maybe I do). So, simple to understand and unpack, really.

and that is why I write about it, to try and understand it myself

The point is, one year from now I could see this dream become a reality. Two years from now I could still be single and blissful as I continue to be the love of my life (and I will be the love of my life whether single or loved up because that is the key). Five years from now I could be married to one human and madly in love and very happy. My sexuality and freedom mean I have options, and the work I am doing on myself and with my life to make it the one I want, means there are no bad options. I am happy just as things are right now but if Miley Cyrus and Kayvan Novak want to create an alternative life of our dreams, I am ready.

Have you ever been so sleep-deprived and working and travelling but determined to get your substack out anyway because writing it each week is your gift to yourself, your soul?

here are three things I struggled with this week:

💌 I feel very lucky to be travelling for work again but feel very stretched for time as I juggle my other freelancing gigs. I am proud (and also a little guilt-ridden) for making time to create this substack. But I do it every week. This is how I start my day, writing a love letter to you.

💔 The conferences I go away for are always so male-dominated, which in most places of my life is a red flag. But at these events, everyone is usually a bloody delight. This results in me creating daydream relationships with one to three men I have particularly bonded with (as is the case this week) and if only my demisexuality would allow me to follow any of that through. Oh, imagine the fun life I might have if I was brave enough.

😊 I recorded this and realised I only wrote two struggles — which is just nice to think that I struggled to think of a struggle.

here are three blessings from this week:

🧘 When I take a break from it, I forget how incredibly wonderful a good yoga session feels. I made time for it every day this week — even if all I had was fifteen minutes — feeling it necessary after plane rides and long travel days and even longer work days on my feet. My body is so thankful.

🚦 In San Diego, where I am this week for work, there are very few walking lights to wait for to cross the road and many, many zebra crossings instead. This means people going with the flow and I love it. It feels far less urgent.

🍔 I had my last night shift at the restaurant. Bittersweet feelings came on as I left, as I recall how thrilled I was to be back to serving when I started, and how that shifted over the course of a few months. I am older now, sober now and a morning person now. I am grateful for the income it provided and grateful I could bow out when it no longer worked for me.

here are three goals for the coming week:

🛫 Lock in travel plans for the coming months. Excitement awaits!

💭 Rest. All weekend. Play a little. Write a little. Rest a lot.

✨ That yoga and stretching I mentioned? Yes, let’s carry that on when I return home. My body deserves it.

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

I started a substack for my podcast - my dad stole my limelight - and would love you to subscribe! please stick with me as I get old episodes up and published, then enjoy a short weekly love letter with queer joy, teasers, behind-the-scenes, articles, clips from the episodes, memes and more!

one more note from me:

Did you know that 1 in 5 people experience symptoms of mental illness each year? Every day in Australia, 8 people will die by suicide. Mental illness can be debilitating and can have a devastating impact on not only those living with it, but those around them. This October, I’ll again be taking part in One Foot Forward to show people living with mental illness that they are not alone.

I'm walking to raise funds for the Black Dog Institute to support crucial mental health research and support services to help Australians impacted by mental illness and suicide.

It would mean so much to me if you'd support my walk this October.

Together, we can create a mentally healthier world, for everyone.

If you’re able, you can donate here.

pics or it didn’t happen:

san diego balmy-summer-is-over evenings

I love you,

LD

xoxo