volume one hundred and twenty
lockdown diaries (part 8)
📍Written from my grandparents’ home, with Nanny’s pet birds chirping at the rain teasing its potential arrival.
✏️ This is part eight of my lockdown journals. You can read part one here, two here, three here, four here, five here, six here and seven here.
2021
March 28th: I need to be better at not letting drinking take over my better judgement, choose my battles, choose what needs to be a battle, remember the work I have put in. Maybe this calls for a bigger goal around drinking, period?
March 29th: The third wave is expected here, meaning higher numbers and bigger lockdowns. I am truly so fed up.
…
New hair, who dis?*
*I went from belly button length to bowl cut aka I went from having hair I thought I should have to having hair I wanted
March 31st: Why do I have to take the lead on something just because some man couldn’t step up at work? Truly over massaging egos. I took it on and laid it out in 5 minutes and felt accomplished and also, yeah I am pretty fucking good at this.
…
Trying to find a doctor here is THE WORST! Why is it so hard here? Causing me so much stress!*
*Spoiler: I would never get a doctor visit until April 2022, once I moved away.
April 1st: TIRED! Oh so tired. I yet again fell asleep on the couch.*
*I have mentioned before that I was in fact passing out, but I also want to add that I was also very tired. This is true too. Tired, depressed, stressed, active alcoholic…
April 2nd: Absolutely blergh! I’m very grateful for so much but also HELP! I need to get back to not taking so many phone calls!!! It’s too fucking much!!! Be assertive, be firm, and be kind to yourself!
April 3rd* 7th: Well, it’s been a minute. I needed (?) a break and dropped a lot of my routines over the long, long weekend… and beyond.
…
I miss my Nanny and Poppy so so much.
*I write tomorrow’s date after each diary entry so it is ready to go for the next day. In this case, many days passed. I was slipping on lots of things, which may seem small, but everything was feeling too much as my sanity was slipping from my fingers.
April 8th: Goal: Sobriety (soon)* until the end of May**. A stricter lockdown means stricter drinking*** and stricter spending.
*Deep down I think I knew I needed to be sober, period. I was in no shape to admit it yet, setting myself a target instead.
**And not forever because that felt absurd. “Let’s just take a month off like I have taken breaks a million times before, and have that fix nothing as soon as that time ends.”
***Not sure what this logic was — seems backward and not at all sobriety as stated in the previous sentence — but it is desperate too. Especially as the need seems to be coming not from wanting health, sanity or serenity, but to save money that I was by this point heavily investing into booze budgets. Sending you love, LD.
April 10th 11th: Do what you love. Create what you’re proud of. Do it without the need for big corporations who do not have your values. Give voice to those who deserve it and have good to share. GO WHERE IT IS WARM.
April 14th: Recorded the podcast sober* and with my first big guest and I fucking rocked it. I’m so bloody proud of myself and excited for things to come.
*I was not sober entirely yet, as you will note in the next entry. But I did something without a drink that usually I did with many. Terrified, I dipped my toes and saw it was possible.
April 18th: I missed this for a few days. Again. I’m trying to be better. I’m slowly getting my motivation back as the weather improves. I’m putting a lot of thought into my drinking and how I want to cut back. Ideally, I want to quit, but I’m terrified. So I’ll start by cutting back.
I hope to get to a place of sobriety. That’s the goal.
I deserve to know my full potential. I owe it to myself to know what I am fully capable of.*
*On Sunday, April 18th 2021, for many hours, I sipped on one beer in the garden with friends, an occasion that usually would have seen me drink many more in that time. I sat there loathing it, loathing me, letting it go warm in my hands before getting to the bottom, but making sure I got to the bottom. Afterwards, I went upstairs, got myself ready for bed and wrote this entry. Despite not knowing at the time it was my last drink, thanks to the love of my Higher Power, I haven’t picked up a drink since.
April 20th: I will continue to think about my sobriety. I know I will have wine with [neighbour] tomorrow so I’ll see how that makes me feel…I’m scared to have some*! I know I don’t have to, I’ll listen to my gut.
*We did this every week, and the fear was based on having to explain myself when I didn’t have an explanation, and the fear of knowing once I started, I wouldn’t stop.
April 21st: I cried listening to an episode of Armchair Expert* talking about sobriety. I know in my heart of hearts it’s time for me. I didn’t have wine tonight and that was really nice.
*21:01-25:17. Many episodes of this podcast, and the host Daddy Dax have been staples in my journey ever since.
April 22nd: I very much wanted wine after work. I truly felt like it. It was one of those days and Thursday is usually the day I have a couple.* I didn’t do it. I got through that hour or so window and I was more than fine on the other side. I am proud of me and excited for me to operate at my full potential.
*Classic “couple” and “few” vague language. I do not mean two when I say a couple. I am lying to myself, and so I do not want to lie to you here.
April 25th: One week of sobriety! Yay me!
April 26th: Submitted the podcast to Vancouver Pride!*
*The submission was rejected but in 2023 I was at Vancouver Pride and I did the podcast live in front of 500 people! Follow those dreams baby!
May 1st: I was out with friends and I am on my period and really needed a sugary snack as we were doing a lot of walking and I was depleting. [My friend] was the best and made sure to ask* where the closest store was, took me there, looked around at all the options and read all the labels etc*, It has been over a year since anyone did anything for me like that. Having had to fend for myself throughout the entire pandemic it was a small act of care that felt so huge. I am so very grateful.
*In French for me.
**I have allergies.
May 9th: I had the realisation that my resistance to learning French is that I do not want to live here. I need to accept this is life at least for now, not make any irrational decisions, but know I’m right where I need to be to work towards the bigger picture.
Lovely reader, tell me about a time someone did something nice for you when you really needed it.
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here are three things I struggled with this week:
⏯️ The longing for things that I cannot have, yet, and the patience for them in time.
🫠 How much some people do not understand what being a digital nomad means — and to be fair I am still learning — however the struggle is that they do not listen, and do not want to understand, leaving me to be the bad guy when I cannot do/be/offer/show up/accept without putting myself and my chosen lifestyle out.
🦥 I am focussing on how far I have to go instead of looking at how far I have come, or even better, being present.
here are three blessings from this week:
🥹 ”You bring out the best in him”, “You really make him smile”. Comments from family, when I visit Poppy (Gordy), mean the world because all I want for him these days is happiness.
🪴 Frankie, my new plant whom I named within minutes, of course, sits on the desk next to me at Nanny’s. She is a gift from my Cooler Younger Cousin and she is perfect.
🐚 My feet in the sand and the sun on my back.
here are three goals for the coming week:
💗 Make up for my past behaviour, with a chance at a re-do.
🗺️ Explore the motherland through the eyes of a first-time visitor, thanks to my friend, a first-time visitor.
🌊 Incorporating a beach walk into my morning ritual.
pics or it didn’t happen:
I love you. Now I am off to say g’day to the Opera House and Harbour Bridge.
"I deserve to know my full potential. I owe it to myself to know what I am fully capable of."
Wow, buddy. This hit home. I love you <3
Moment of clarity in the garden