volume one hundred and one

…and other lies movies told me

📍sent from Victoria, Vancouver Island

People don’t make out in cabs in real life, right? That's just in films? A lot of films. For the longest time, I assumed every date would end with a cab pash, and for that reason, I avoided every date.

Of course, in real life, this sometimes happens to those folks brave enough to enter the dating world, eat in front of someone they don’t know without bringing on a panic attack and choking on their sushi, speak to strangers, be in public making conversation with someone without sweating through their palms about whether that person might try and hold one of their hands across the table… in other words, people who are not demisexual.*

Here, in no particular order, are the lies movies told me about love and dating that (in my opinion) are very misleading and are completely false advertising, therefore they have either contributed to or affirmed my demisexuality entirely.

Fun bonus as you read: Try to guess what ones apply to my teenage years and what ones apply to my adult years. I can almost guarantee you will be wrong every time.

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• We covered the kissing in the back of a cab… let’s move on.

• Your crush is very likely not going to declare their love for you through serenading you, which honestly would fast-track the experience for a demisexual and is a shame, really.

• Your first sexual experience probably isn't going to involve the love of your life as the other person and they won’t slow dance with you as foreplay, either. I was sold a lie and the person turned out to be awful… and there was no music. I will never get over that.

• The only person who may ever ask to draw you nude will not be the love of your life/person of your wildest dreams but will be (TWO!) of your male friends (ON SEPARATE OCCASIONS!) who are homosexual (and hi, you are a woman and therefore they just see you as art, and respect you and your body for what you can bring to a blank canvas). I mean, thank you, but also: Romantic interest? Where are you? You have not shown up.

• If you “have a song” with someone, they have no idea about it in more cases than you are going to want to admit. Explaining to someone what your song together is, is cringe and I won't ever allow myself into that scenario… again. Plus, I refuse to let another beautiful song be ruined by a failed relationship.

• Despite best efforts, most disguises you’re capable of creating at home will not fool anyone and they will absolutely know it is you, in a fake moustache, and not your brother who usually lives in Europe and is here for the summer. I have never tried this but oh gosh was it tempting (and a very popular plot point in teen films for a while there!)

• Nothing happens in slow motion, not even stepping out of a car with a new look. There will also not be the perfect song playing at that moment either. 

• No one will meet you for the first time every day to make you fall in love with them again. As a demisexual, I kinda need that for any amount of timeframe of one month to one year in order for me to maybe feel some things. Pity.

• You cannot instant message someone from your school/work/college/neighbourhood for months and fall in love while neither of you knows who the other is. It is impossible unless you participate in Love Is Blind to talk to someone for that long with anonymity and also without the fear of “Are they going to try and make a move?”. Why is all of this so hard? Oh right, I am demisexual…

• That hair/make-up/outfit takes a whole team and will absolutely not be your just-woke-up reality. On that note, if you end up in bed with a boy when you are 18 it is probably not just because they want to be friends and have a sleepover with a good movie, despite what they say, despite what you assume because what else would you think?

• If you leave something at someone’s house or at a bar or in a cinema or on a bus… consider that shit gone. No one is tracking you down to return it only to fall madly in love with you. I could have lost so many items trying to chase this dream.

• Famous people have no idea who you are even if you KNOW you are utterly and entirely in love with them and totally meant to be together! They will not walk into your bookshop or be a customer at the cafe you work at or return the necklace you lost when you saved them while they were drunk and passed out. They are also not going to knock on your window in the middle of the night and ask you to run away with them, no matter how often you imagine that.

• Romance doesn’t exist in airports as often as films like to make out. Mostly it is tired, grumpy folks rushing to get somewhere. There is body odour, bad breath, smelly clothes and food court scents in the air, but not love.

• PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER READ YOUR JOURNAL! If they do and you are somehow okay with that, then that will never be followed with them wrapping their arms around you in the snow and letting a swear word slip so you think “Oooh naughty, handsome, charming love of my life!”. He’s a character and he is not real and also he READ YOUR JOURNAL.

• If you are in love via emails, but enemies in real life… then you are enemies. Woof. I will never forgive.

Lovely reader, what lies have movies sold you about love and dating? 

*The things I have spoken about may apply to folks along other parts of the ace spectrum but I speak just on my experiences as a demisexual AKA an extremely complicated, vulnerable, innocent human. Please help.

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

🎴 I pulled The Tower card on Monday and I am trying to let that be a warning, not a prediction.

🫠 Heyyyyyy Bit Off More Than You Can Chew, didn’t expect you to show up again so soon!

🚀 Rushing.

here are three blessings from this week:

🥹 Cuddles from my friends’ toddler.

🍿 Solo movie dates are the best. My favourite theatre is always quiet. Large popcorn always.

😊 I dreamt Marc Maron and I were holding hands. That’s it. That’s the dream. There was no other context.

here are three goals for the coming week:

👋 Set boundaries (with others and myself) in order to get my Digital Sabbath Sundays back.

🌪️ More talking things out with friends who are willing to listen, less circling in my own head and obsessing.

🎸 Live fucking music.

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

I was asked what my jam was this week. I had long forgotten that this gem would always, always be my go-to for a happy mood, fun time, fuck it, fuck them, fuck the world, everything-is-going-be-okay, headbang, shoulder bop, get low, crawl on my knees in agony or ecstasy, jump, I love my life, let’s party, let’s try not to cry, let’s get ready, happy dance.

It’s the nostalgia. Sixteen-year-old Lauren and her best friend in the whole world (still her best friend in the whole world) used this song as the answer to everything.

pics or it didn’t happen:

my favourite secret magic window

I love you. Now I am off to enjoy Pride in Victoria and maybe, maybe create a romance that movies would be jealous of.

LD

xoxo

🧡 get to know me a bit more over here