volume one hundred and fourteen

lockdown diaries (part 5)

📍Sent from a lovely Seattle apartment, where the natural light floods in, the trees for privacy are abundant (and a welcome view compared to my usual grey wall in Vancouver), and two small doggos nap to my left.

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✏️ This is part five of my lockdown journals. You can read part one here,  two here,  three here and four here.

I want to add a note if you listen to the audio, at one point I say “Am I 50?” and that was unfair because what I really meant was “Am I a 50-year-old straight white male stand-up comedian?”. I want to apologise in advance if my lack of clarity offends any of you, it was a generalisation and it isn’t about you unless, of course, you’re a 50-year-old straight white male stand-up comedian in which case…where is the lie?

2021

January 2nd: I am feeling giddy. I am releasing my fear of failure and going all in on my podcast. 

January 4th: I feel juvenile. I am talking non-stop about my sexuality! I’m word vomiting and being really stir-crazy and hating the lack of attention. I am now so sick of not being fawned over. I miss people! I miss strangers and people I know being excited about my presence. I don't know what I want and that feels exactly like being a teenager again because I do know, I just don’t want to admit it is all about ME!*

*WOW! Love the honesty! So grateful for the growth to get past this!

January 6th: FED UP! I feel I am mostly always positive* and always grateful. But today was not one of those days. For the most part, it was like any other day these days, but then terrorists attacked Capitol and the day went to absolute shit. I cannot believe that is the world right now. Oh and then we topped it off with being told we have extended the lockdowns! WHEN WILL COVID AND TRUMP BE DONE? Both are awful things I cannot wait to be rid of.

*Has she read the rest of these journals? It’s okay to not be okay, LD.

…

Thank goodness for mushroom* support for the long winter ahead.

*Magic mushrooms, we were on a steep mental health decline at this point.

January 8th: I woke up to work out and my mind made me rearrange the living room instead.

January 9th: First day of curfew means we cannot leave our homes after 8pm or we will be arrested. The reality of this situation sucks. I am grateful for a home to be in after 8pm. What about those without one?

January 10th: I started reading my 2020 journal and am realising how optimistic and motivated I once was about so many things that the pandemic is sucking out of me.

January 12th: My anxiety keeps taking over. Numb hands and arms and the inability to concentrate or focus and the overwhelming feeling of worry and feeling gross.

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Bye bye to Kate Bush*, my first ever real Christmas tree.

*I named my first real tree. The actual Kate is doing great.

January 14th: Daydreaming is a huge blessing, especially these days.

January 15th: My oh my the podcast is coming together! I for sure could not have done this alone so I am feeling so grateful for everyone who has helped me make this a reality. It is so special to me because it is so personal but also because so many wonderful people have played a part in it coming to life.

January 17th: I had a good day! Long walk, bumping into neighbours, cooked a nice dinner, did some DIY at home, zoomed with loved ones… what isn’t there to be happy about? And yet. I spent 30 minutes sobbing in the shower and then couldn’t get off the bathroom floor for another 30 minutes or so once I dragged myself out of the water.

January 18th: Days are TOUGH! One minute I want to move to Halifax, then the UK, then stay here and see it out. I want to keep my job and quit at the same time. I don’t fucking know. I feel sad! When will this end? What am I supposed to do?

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My mushrooms arrived in the mail today. Thank goodness.

January 19th: The trailer for my podcast is ready and LIVE! Oh baby, am I blessed or what? It is real and happening and is already getting such amazing feedback from people saying how beautiful and wonderful it is! I am so proud of what I have created (with the help of amazing people).

January 20th: BYE BITCH! There is a new President and VP and it is tear-jerkingly about time!

January 25th: I really feel ready to turn 30. So ready and so excited. I hear it’s the best decade of your life so BRING IT ON!

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Procrastination is my middle name these days during work days.

January 28th: I blocked off the week after my birthday so I make NO calls or zooms! Putting my foot down before I overdo myself and break.*

*Oh hey co-dependant that worked all day looking at a screen and then did 2-3 zooms a night because they couldn’t say no!

January 29th: HAHAHAHA!* I’m writing this the next day as at around 5:30pm yesterday I took mushrooms to enjoy a chill movie night and it took a TURN! I got VERY HIGH! At first, I was in denial of being that high given the dose but alas I was! I called [downstairs neighbour] in a panic before I realised what was happening. They came outside and on a walk with me as I needed to “Get out of my house!!!” They are the fucking best. They did not once let on that I was high, asking me questions (as I genuinely just thought I was having another panic attack). 

At one point I stopped and said “Yeah I think I am really high” and I am so glad they let me figure that out for myself so I didn’t freak out more. 

There were manic laughs and then stopping in the streets with HUGE FUCKING LOUD SOBS thinking about the fact that I might never see my Nan and Pop again.

I kept smelling my Dad close by. 

After maybe 30 minutes (who actually knows) I needed to be inside because I was starting to hallucinate dark shadows so we left the -17C and headed home where I lay in bed for hours going through waves of “This is amazing” and then waves of “This is horrible”.

At 10pm I cooked the pizza I had planned to eat earlier and watched Modern Family until I fell asleep, a grin on my face the whole time.

I will plan better next time.**

*This was not at all funny and absolutely terrifying and one of my bottoms as by this point the booze was not creating enough escape for me so I was branching out. It would still be a hot minute before I got sober.

**Sending you love, past version of me. It gets better.

it hurts to see just how many “high with wine” selfies exist in my camera roll from this time. here is one of the less ominous appearing ones, that i am equally grateful for to say “look how far you’ve come”.

Lovely reader, thanks for going on these lockdown journeys with me. If you look back at that time, where can you be proud of yourself for where you are now? (Physically, mentally, spiritually or otherwise).

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

☀️ You know I really cannot handle the cold, I am very sensitive to it — struggling to keep warm — and additionally, it alters my moods. Ever since I have gotten through the busy and been able to get excited about being warm in Australia, nothing feels as cold anymore.

🍕 Accepting how much better I feel when I cut dairy from my diet. #denial

🌹 To see GNR in Seattle (the city where they played their very first ever show) or see them in Vancouver when I stop in for a couple of nights before I leave? (Or to see them at all because… crowds)?

here are three blessings from this week:

🐾 Blue skies and dogs that love to walk!

🍲 Soup season! Making the most of it before I am excited about being in an Australian Summer AKA salad season.

🌈 Queer community!

here are three goals for the coming week:

🔁 Breathing space in my schedule. Be ready for the unexpected so it doesn’t throw everything off if it comes up, and enjoy the space if it doesn’t.

📺Watch as many Sabrina The Teenage Witch re-runs as possible. Maybe I will *finally* see the one episode I missed when it aired on TV (Friday nights at 8pm!) and my Mum had the audacity to make me attend a cousin’s 21st birthday dinner. “But Mum, you CANNOT make me go, Sabrina messes with Libby’s MIND!” (she said after watching the ad all week).

📴The slow and gradual return of my Digital Sabbath Sundays (That were made difficult with back-to-back friends in town that I needed to be in contact with/meet/plan with). This past Sunday was a partial Digital Sabbath Sunday and I felt the amazing difference.

pics or it didn’t happen:

i get by with a little help from my friends/roomies (as i moved out)

I love you. Now I am off to attend a Sapphic Creative Writing Group, Deanne Smith comedy show, and a Gay Library this weekend, among other things. 

🧡, LD (lauren deborah | she/they)