volume forty

my independence seems to vanish in the haze

I met the plague this past week, which is almost embarrassing to get it this late in the game, honestly. I went from two years of playing it very safe and spending most of my time alone to now in a city where they have dropped all mandates and I have a hunger to see all the people I love that I haven’t seen in two years. Increasing my odds? Yeah, for sure. I am not angry, or upset. I accept. Given everything, this isn’t surprising. If this had happened when I was isolated 99% of the time I think I would have held a lot of resentment. Does that mean I wanted this to happen? No. Does it mean I am surprised? Also, no.

The universe timed this wickedly perfectly(?), though. I was set to work at my friend’s restaurant on Saturday night to help out — a win-win — some of her staff on vacation so she needed extra hands, me wanting extra cash for my upcoming vacation. But the closer it got, I grew increasingly more terrified of being in that crowd and catching pandemimoore air. Oh, the irony! (Is it? Whenever I say something is ironic, I feel like Alanis Morrisette in that everyone is going to come at me and tell me this isn’t actually ironic. I still don’t get how that song isn’t about irony… so that likely tells me that this isn’t irony. What word am I looking for here?)

Additionally, I have felt myself very much slipping into the Lauren from the before times, in that she had something in her calendar every damn evening of the week. This was Lauren before lockdowns for a long time — and it was also Lauren for the first six to twelve months of the lockdowns too — she just replaced those in-person hangouts with back to back calls and zooms, sometimes two or three in a night. She was burnt out.

Last week I looked at my calendar ahead and tried to kid myself that I was making up for lost time but my gut didn’t lie — I was dreading the stretch in my energy and the absolute lack of downtime. Look, I, of course, wanted to see everyone but also I battle with saying no to people and this is something I am working on. What can I say? I am a people pleaser. Insert universe who, with her questionable sense of humour, heard me on these things, decided to take care of me and said “Oh you want to rest? I’ve got you. Also, I see you are already reaching for the hot water bottle, so I might make your period arrive at the same time. Let’s get it all out of the way, shall we?”

When it rains it pours.

Before I get to the point I want to make this week (we can blame my rambling on my brain fog) I want to stress that all is okay all things considered, I am so very lucky to be coming out of this slowly, with just the fact that I slept for five days and nothing much more or more serious. So, this brings me finally to that point I want to make and that is, all is well aside from feeling guilty about inconveniencing my roommates. Which is tough. Remember the thing I said about people-pleasing? Yeah, this is more than just your average dose of feeling bad. My two roommates, who long before have been good friends, are so incredibly caring — and I cannot fucking handle it. That is my co-dependency and how I am so far on the side of it that makes me independent to a point of destruction that it gets messy. Since getting sick it has been put to the test by two angelic roommates who are the bloody best and I have had no choice but to deal with it and accept it and feel grateful. NO TIME FOR GUILT! But there is so much time for guilt when you’re alone with your thoughts. Oh, dear. *laughs nervously*

I am so blessed because they are leaving green juices and puzzles and video games and bags of vegan cookies and de-humidifiers and disinfectant wipes and cough drops and more rapid tests for me at my door. They are checking in on me daily, seeing if I need anything. They are getting take-out and leaving mine for me all prepared on the counter. They are being so flexible with me getting into the washroom or kitchen as I need. They are the kind of people who say things in our group chat like “omg don’t even worry about it… it could happen to anyone, glad we can make it comfy for you while it is happening” and I know they mean it. They are just so bloody chill and cool and how I am trying to be.

But I am not that chill. Do I know I would do the same for them? Absolutely, I would hope so. Does that mean I can easily accept it for myself? Absolutely not. As a previously mentioned extremely independent end of the spectrum co-dependant, I am already dreaming up — nope strike that — executing a plan, of the ways I can make it up to them and writing a million thank yous in the group chat. I am spending a tonne of time thinking of what actions I can take to pay them back, and how quickly I can do it. Keep in mind I am doing all this while I am basically unable to do much more than binge Great British Bake Off with one eye open. Of course, it is kindness that would result in someone wanting to say thanks with a gesture of their own, but I take my kindness with a large side of guilt. Guilt that tells me that no one should have the responsibility of taking care of me and that I can’t remember the last time I felt cared for because I can't remember the last time I let myself be taken care of, and certainly not without repaying it back double.

All of this to say, I spent about five days working through this between sleeps. I had to accept it, I had no choice but to accept kindness and help because I literally would be putting them in danger by trying to do it for myself. Was it, is it, still hard as hell? Yep! Did I learn to appreciate the help without feeling bad? Working on it.

The plus side is, I publish this to you now well and truly on the mend, able to come back in and edit the words I wrote while I was deep in the fog and laugh at how I did things like use “all things considered” three times in one sentence. One part of my brain is writing you this love letter, the other part is planning the recipe for the grand dinner and dessert I will make the roommates as soon as I get out of the bedroom and yet will still not feel out of the debt I have put myself in.

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• The last time I felt really sore and sorry for myself to this level, was the several-times-a-week hangovers that I would try and sleep off before getting sober. I’m lightheaded and lacking energy and taking things from my calendar and my to-do list and moving them to later in the week or to the next so I have more time to close my eyes and it is reminding me I used to feel like this nearly every day while I closed my eyes and wiggled my toes trying to sleep off the nausea. And that is annoying as shit. I spent my one year sobriety anniversary feeling hungover. It made me anxious in having the flashbacks but made me so grateful it would pass. 🤢

• I feel like I cheated on my forever crush Noel Fielding when I developed a new crush on one of the GBBO contestants in a binge over the last week.🎂

• Witnessing beautiful warm spring days, mixed with my favourite weather of thunderstorms, from inside my bedroom. 🌸

Three blessings from this week:

• Celebrated one year sober. I feel tremendously blessed to have people in my life who know what this means to me and are as proud of me as I am for this huge accomplishment. 🪙

• Signed up to volunteer with a community I love. I am so grateful to be able to give back, something that has been on my get-to list for a long time but for many obvious reasons has been unattainable. 💓

• I had a breakthrough in my writing goals during my isolation. I have been a little stuck on how to proceed with a few things, and the isolation really helped me with perspective. Let’s go, gently, into the dreaminess of what I enjoy most. ✏️

Three goals for the coming week:

• Take the lessons learned from this forced rest, and make sure I do not slip into old ways. Don’t spread myself thin. Make space in my schedule. Learn to say “actually I can’t that day, can we do another?” when, nope, before I see my schedule filling up. 📅

• In that same frame of mind, schedule play into my calendar and be specific about it. Not for creating my projects or working on something no matter how much I enjoy working on it, but for play. Like a movie I want to see or a walk I want to take or painting knowing that I am not a painter and the end goal would be nothing more than joy. Know what it is I want to do ahead of time and note it in my calendar at least once a week. I am going to start with trying Friday afternoons. I keep going on about scheduling rest, but it doesn’t work for me. This just very well might. Thanks to a wonderful chat with a wonderful pal, Maud, I am reconsidering a few different approaches to various things and, as usual, they blew my mind with their wisdom. 🤸

• Make no more plans between now and when I go away. I have a vacation and a work trip coming up very soon, back to back. I will do nothing until then but continue to take care of myself. 🤗

What I am enjoying this week: I mentioned Maud, who is awesome all around, and one of the amazing humans behind this incredible collective: The Other Team. “The Other Team is a music collective dedicated to uplifting, amplifying, and supporting underrepresented/historically excluded artists.” Check out their amazing projects, interviews, playlists and more via the website link!

If you feel inclined to say thanks for this post, please like or comment (it’s free and means so much!), forward it to a friend or you can buy me a slice 🍕