volume fifty-two

jealous much?

Wow! Thank you all for the love of the audio recording last week. I was so nervous and I personally think that showed in my voice. I wasn’t even sure people would listen. I appreciate you all giving me a chance to try it! I loved getting all your texts and comments. 

I have to say this past week was delightful as so many of my favourite substacks made use of this new feature and I got to hear a bunch of my friends read their own words — which really was what inspired me to give it a go too. Check out my recommendations on my main page and see who else is creating magical words!

If you’re looking for people who have been doing this audio companion for a while (and oh so well — like a full production, far more than just reading) check out two of my fav substacks: a space to land and Lady Killer.

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It’s a word I have used more times than I can count: jealous. When someone is going on a trip to somewhere I have always wanted to go or getting to visit someone I wish I could spend time with but distance has kept us apart or gets to eat at one of my favourite restaurants or is taking an interesting course I have never heard of or is seeing a movie or play that I have been dying to or gets a cool new tattoo or finds a wicked new outfit at a thrift store, I am quick to say it. “Wow! I am so jealous!”

The thing is I was always using it when jealousy is not actually what I felt.

When I actually feel jealous I am definitely not saying that. When I actually feel jealous I could never admit it. I am working on how that looks, but it has been known to be resentment and coldness or judgment. It has looked like pulling away or squashing joy or getting annoyed. Instead of celebrating, I am lamenting. Instead of being happy for another, I am feeling sorry for myself and wondering “why the fuck can’t that be me?”

(jealous me @ me)

Now, I am consciously trying not to react that way. When I recognise I feel jealous, I check in with myself and ask why? Why do I feel that? Why do I feel like I deserve what they have? Do I actually deserve it? Is it actually something I want? Have I done everything I could to get it or was I expecting it to fall in my lap? And the big ones: by them having it, does that actually stop me from getting it too if it is what I really want or deserve? Does their joy mean I lose mine? Why do I feel like there isn’t room for us both to succeed or feel this joy? This has helped me uncover where I feel lacking or where I feel like I could make some changes to my own life rather than discount the delight of others. As a result, those feelings of jealousy tend to disappear. Also, spoiler alert, I can’t remember the last time I felt jealous but I can tell you twenty times in the last little while I was thrilled for someone.

The thing is though, I still say it, and when I say “oh I am so jealous!” to someone what I really mean is “I am so happy for you”. Jealous is such a negative word, and for the longest time, I was using it in positive scenarios, feeling like that was the best way to express to them the scale with which I shared their happiness of this big deal — by saying that I wanted it too. Using the word jealous for me was nothing but lazy. I was using it in place of telling people how amazing they are, how deserving they are or how excited I am for them. I was ending the conversation before it began. I was telling them how I felt without opening the door for us to talk about it more — ending it before allowing them to share more of their excitement.

So that is what I am trying instead. I am imperfectly making these changes, slowly but surely, as I catch myself using that word, I am comfortable enough to pause and say “sorry, I am trying to restructure my relationship with the word jealous, what I actually mean is…”

Instead of “That’s so cool! I am so jealous!” I could try the truth, and be intentional with my words:

• That’s incredible, I am so happy for you!

• This is wonderful to hear!

• I am thrilled for you!

• I am so excited for you!

• This sounds so fun!

• What an exciting plan!

• This is so well deserved.

• You’ve got this!

• I cannot wait to hear all about this.

• Thanks so much for sharing this with me! You must be so excited.

• I cannot wait to see the photos.

• Feel free to share anything with me while you’re there!

• You’re going to have the best time!

For me, instead of using a word I don’t mean, I am choosing (sometimes the second time around) to use words that tell them exactly how I feel. And how I feel is that I want to hear more. I want to share this joy. I want them to be able to share their excitement. I don’t want to squash this news in its tracks, no matter how big or small it might seem. 

Another important thing is not ignoring how I feel. If my reaction is one of feeling a twinge of longing, and it won’t take the joy out of it for them, it’s okay to share that too:

“You’re at my favourite coffee spot back home on the beach? Oooh, that makes me feel a little homesick so I am going to live vicariously through you, and I hope we can go together one day. Try the Anzac cookies and send me a photo of the view if you feel like it!”

I guess what I am saying is honesty, when possible, is always my preferred way to share my feelings. I feel copious amounts of joy, genuinely, when the people in my life get what they desire or experience things that bring them bundles of happiness. I have never struggled (much) with feeling over the moon for others, that thankfully comes quite naturally to me. Where I struggled is telling them that, making sure they knew I was thrilled for them, making sure they knew I was listening.

The more I write, the more I am in recovery, the more I strip back the layers of how I spent my life for many years (a drunk workaholic attempting to be everyone else but me), the more I am purposefully being intentional with my words. If you hear me say I am jealous of you, please feel free to ask me if that is true.

If you’re reading this, and it feels a bit icky and hard to turn your maybe jealous or other feelings into maybe nice words, know you are not alone, it happens to all of us. Maybe consider faking it until you make it? Try telling them you’re happy for them even if through gritted teeth? You will not hurt anyone, quite the opposite. Instead, they’ll feel good and (exciting news) you might just start to believe it yourself.

Where have you felt jealous and is that what you’ve actually felt? Where are you trying to be more intentional with your words?

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• 🤫 The voice in my head. I call her Regina George because she is a mean girl.

• 🙏 Once again struggling to be so far from home, but balancing that with gratitude for those in my family stepping up to care for those who need it right now.

• ❤️ Sobriety triggers I didn’t know I had. How summer makes it even harder.

Three blessings from this week:

• 🤗 I promised myself last week that I would attend in-person recovery meetings. I spent Friday to Sunday attending different ones in my neighbourhood and as a result hearing about even more close by that come highly recommended. On Sunday night, the night that is always hardest for me as a sober person, I found an in-person home group for my recovery meetings. I am so happy. I had the realisation recently that this might be the first time in my life I truly, without any doubt, do love myself.

• 🌱 I enjoyed last weekend with the house to myself and spent the time reading, writing, connecting on zoom calls, watering the plants in the house and chatting with them, filling new notebooks and playing my music. Then on Monday, I got to catch up with my roommates and tell them how much I missed them. Bliss.

• 🌅 I had a wonderful day with my gorgeous friend, walking along the water and eating ice cream. We ended the day with her surprising me with homemade lamingtons and then watching the sunset at the beach.

Three goals for the coming week:

• ✍️ Submit to writing contests, for accountability more than anything. I have set myself a monthly budget of what I am willing to spend on them, and I will select what that looks like this month.

• 📓 Brainstorm! I had a chat with my friend Lou over the weekend that has my mind racing in the best way with so many thoughts and ideas. I am going to get them all together and share them with her.

• 🌼 Continue to be more spontaneous and put fewer things on the calendar.

What I am enjoying this week: 

🧵 Trying out Substack’s threads. Did you see the one on Sunday?

There is still time to add your songs to our community playlist, the link expires Sunday. Or you can leave them in the thread and I will add them for you!

What are some other things you’d like me to ask you all to get to know you? What might you want to discuss with fellow readers? Let me know in the comments!

My doom-scrolling-free, FOMO-free, anxiety-free, addiction-free, joyful photo dump:

hi, lauren deborah! is free for subscribers every week. feel I am not sharing enough? ask me a question and I will answer it in a future post.

if you would like to say thanks for this love letter, please like or comment (it means so much to me to hear from you 🧡), forward it to a friend who might enjoy it or if you’d like to, you can buy me a slice 🍕