volume twenty-two

run, run rudolph

Hi friends!

At the time of this popping into your inbox, I will be just a couple of days away from hopping onto a plane for the first time, since the last time. The last time being March 14th, 2020 when I was Montreal bound and headed for my next chapter, feeling very excited! However, from the time I took off to the time I landed, things were locked down, grocery stores were cleared and fear was in the air (among other things). So it is safe to say that I have some ~feelings~ when it comes to travel, as that last trip really just gave it to me. All of that to say, I am ready to have this next trip wipe the slate clean again, reminding me of all the things I love about travel. Not of vacation, or of trips, the things I love about those are obvious, but my love of travelling. So this week I am going to hype myself up by reminding myself while telling you!

somewhere between vancouver and montreal, march 14th 2020

First of all, I packed already. Two days before I go? That’s not that weird, you think. But the truth is I have been packed for over a week. It was the biggest stress factor for me. I'm going from Winter to Summer, for 5 weeks and there are weight limits and plans I am yet to make and what will I wear? Already there are too many factors to consider leaving until the last minute so there. I spent my Friday evening packing and I do not regret it one bit. It reminded me that this isn’t new to me. I always pack early and I always thank myself for it.

Speaking of packing, I get to show it off often. I travel solo far more often than not, and as a result, I more often than not get selected for random inspections, which means I open my carry on and let them take a look inside and use their magic wand to make sure I have a safe trip — that’s what they're doing right? Anyway, each and every time this happens, the person will compliment my packing skills and say how they don’t want to mess up such a great job and therefore they’ll just wave the magic wand over things rather than in them. Now, I have nothing to hide, so that is lucky, but also, now I get excited by the prospect of getting to show off how good I am at packing because if they don’t see it, who will? I do such a perfect job.

Once I get to the airport, or train station, or bus station, there is always time to kill. Always. When it comes to the airport, it used to be that my favourite thing to do would be to set up shop at the bar, and well, drink. No matter the time of day — this is an airport so mind your business because it could be 4 pm on my body clock for all you know — so this 8 am IPA, is acceptable. If that excuse doesn’t work, I could claim that I am on vacation and would never do this otherwise, if that makes this more comfortable for you. Regardless, I was going to do it. I am a soberino gal now, so I guess I will get a fruit juice and check my emails? Fuck. This two-hour window at the airport is going to be fun to get used to. My bet is that I set up at the bar anyway and get a non-alcoholic beer like a serial killer because this will be one of many situations where I still do not know how to conduct myself in public sober so must learn.

One thing that is still as exciting now as ever about being at the airport for a while before I board is the people watching, especially around the holidays. I love making up stories in my head as I watch how people navigate the airport, the same way I like to see a little snippet of someone’s life as I pass their home on a nighttime walk. (NOT CREEPY WE ALL DO IT!) Are they meeting inlaws for the first time? Are they spending their 10th holiday with family and it never gets easier? Have they lugged a tonne of gifts with them? Are they escaping and taking themself on vacation and avoiding the holidays altogether? Are they travelling alone? Are they trying to keep up with their group? Are they headed for the bar for some peace or for the gift shop for a last-minute gift? Are they excited, angry or stressed? Do they look like they’re bringing their partner home for the first time? Do they look like they might propose when they get to the destination? Do they look like a teenager travelling alone first the first time and trying to act cool but they’re actually terrified? Are they a family keeping it together just for one more holiday before they break it to everyone that they’re getting a divorce? Are they on a girls trip escaping it all for some sunshine? WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU IN, STRANGER IN THE AIRPORT? Quite often I have no idea, but it is so entertaining assuming based on what I see or maybe even hear as they pass where I am sat.

I am not a napper. I wish I was. I try so hard to be. But instead, I am always someone who overbooks herself, gets distracted, is go, go, go and finds things to fill in every moment of every day. Flying is like a giant nap chamber (so are bus rides, train rides, long car rides). So getting on planes, trains and automobiles for me is like that part in Hocus Pocus when they say “bye Billy!” and he does a big yawn and flops backwards into a deep sleep. I have woken still on the tarmac several times. Other times I have woken in disbelief we haven’t taken off yet, what could be the delay? Only to find out we have been flying for an hour already. At home, I feel guilty drifting off to sleep while watching a movie, like if I am tired, I should just take myself to bed. When I am travelling somewhere for a long time, that is my bed so I will fall asleep watching whatever the heck I like. Also, I really like popping on movies or TV shows I would have had to pay for to watch at home, just to fall asleep watching them on transport. Take that $9 a month subscription service! (says the woman who has spent several thousand dollars on the plane ticket).

As a lactose-intolerant vegetarian*, I order vegan on trips that provide meals, because that is easier than asking for a lactose-intolerant vegetarian meal and sounding like your worst nightmare is a passenger on this aircraft or train, and then just getting the vegan meal anyway. This is a special meal so it gets delivered with the gluten-free, kosher, low-calorie and other dietary requirements us cool kids ask for in our meals before they bring the cart around to feed all the boring regular folk. I have to say it never gets old getting a hot meal brought to me first. Even better when they have to wake me from my fifth nap to give me the special meal while the people around me wonder who made me queen of this plane. I don't feel bad about it at all, that is the reward you get for not eating meat, I guess.

*not a vegan anymore, sorry to break it to you if this is how you find out. Truth is, I live in Montreal now, land of poutine, and lived alone throughout a global pandemic, in case you hadn’t realised by me writing about it for twenty-two weeks, I needed eggs, cheese curds and pastries to help me feel my feelings and I am okay with this — for now — because so much was already off the table, like human contact. I needed the food to suppress the alcohol cravings.

On the subject of food, I love going to the grocery store before a trip and stocking up on snacks — far more than I could ever need — and then eating them all out of a wanting to keep myself busy for the duration of the travel.

When you travel, sweats are expected in public. PJs too. Not that I am not someone who wouldn’t wear either in public anyway, but on a flight or bus, it is encouraged. If you are wearing jeans on a fifteen-hour flight I do not trust you or you are for sure the Air Marshal.

Once you’re up in the air or on the open road, watching the sunrise or set from where you sit is pretty fucking cool every time. I never get sick of seeing either in life, in general, so seeing one from a vantage point of the sky as it appears over the curve of the earth or from a highway where the horizon is as far as you can see or through the Australian countryside that the trains take, is pretty magical. When I was around 19 years old I was under the impression my ex-boyfriend wanted to get back together (because he kept telling me he wanted to get back together) so I would make the overnight bus trip from my little hometown to Sydney pretty often because I was a sucker. It would leave around 1 am and arrive around 7 am and as the bus drove into Sydney it would come over the Harbour Bridge at sunrise. I am glad I didn’t get back together with that jerk face but am grateful for the sunrises. It is also so awesome when you wake from travel sleeps to the sunrise. In general how cool is it that you could fall asleep in one place and wake in another? 

The last thing I love about travelling is if you are going back somewhere you haven’t been for a long time, or even when you get home at the end of the trip, everything feels a little bigger than the last time you saw it. The four walls I have spent so much time in finally got a break from me and now I am seeing them with the eyes of someone who has been on vacation. I have been stuck in a plane or train or bus or car for a long time and now even my teeny tiny apartment or bedroom feels the size of a palace. It usually takes me a few hours for my eyes to adjust to all the space and until then I feel like a queen, grateful to be home.

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• Feeling stressed and tired from getting ready for the trip and tying up loose ends before I go means I am letting things slide (like sleep and nutrition and substituting with more coffee and take out) and as a result, wouldn’t you know? I got ill. Being ill alone is frustrating and annoying and I lose all my independence and feel like a giant hopeless wimp. When I feel queasy and nauseous it makes me angry as it reminds me of when I used to feel this way several times a week on account of being hungover.

• On the topic of feeling sick, I am turning myself into a worrying ball of stress thinking about my PCR test. As you know from last week I have been staying home unless going to get groceries across the street, leading up to my trip. But with every sniffle, sneeze or cough I am convinced I will get a positive result and have to cancel my Christmas with my family. I am struggling to accept that I have done all that I can and anything that happens from here is just good or bad luck, whatever way it goes.

• Struggled to contain my excitement when I booked myself tickets to both Armchair Expert (my favourite podcast) and to see Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin (my favourite favourites) in LA at the Netflix festival next year. I may have texted upwards of 10 people to very humbly brag and then headed into a (virtual) meeting with such chaotic energy. If you saw me like that while hosting an Aussie Writers’ Hour earlier this week… no you didn’t 😉

Three blessings from this week:

• Called my grandparents for my weekly call and got to hear my Nan say “see you next week!” over the phone. AHHHHHHH I am so excited!

• One of my most amazing and wonderful and remarkable friends got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid. This is the highest of honours and such a beautiful responsibility. I am so lucky and excited to spoil her rotten from now until the Summer of 2023 — and beyond!

• It is officially the last week at my current job. Actually the day this drops into your email is my last day (which means I will be doing a whole lot of not working, right?!). It is a sad and end of era feeling, but also so exciting. I am so very proud of myself for realising what I want in life and acknowledging that FOMO might just be a temporary thing I live with to get the life I want. But it is so worth it.

Three goals for the coming week:

• Stop stressing about “what if” and think about the here and now.

• As the countdown is on to exit my current job and prioritise my joy in 2022, I am seeing my sparkle come back in many forms — the kind of forms that people are acknowledging, praising and thanking me for and that is when I stop and think oh my, you are right, this is magic. There is an energy and happiness in me right now that I honestly didn’t know I had lost until I felt it come back and felt myself effortlessly sharing it with others, because that is what I want to do without thinking about it, just be authentically, purely joyful. My goal is to keep leaning into her, I missed her. Welcome back sunshine, here’s to you!

• See below (taken from an old IG post):

got a new IG earlier this year but kept an old post in screenshots. this was my 2021 mood board. (sadly didn’t keep all the tags so help me out if you know people I can credit). 2021 is winding down and I am days away from heading to another country to bring it in, spending the turning of the clock in the company of two of my favourite people in the whole world. reflecting on my mood board, I feel really proud of myself. I took huge risks this year and as a result I’m getting everything I’ve daydreamed about. I’ve created the life I desire. I’ve followed my gut with my appearance and stayed truer to myself than ever before. I’ve accepted that wanting something in my life is more than enough reason to go for it. I’ve decided to work hard for the things that mean lots to me (relationships, hobbies, things that my soul asks for) and to do only what I need to otherwise. I am still working on the fact that I am a yes person to a fault sometimes. each day I ask myself (thanks to a practice I learned in a stoic writing prompt) if what I’m doing in the moment is mindless? joyful? necessary? and I act accordingly. I have accepted some things fade, or maybe were never what they seemed, but I also accept the lessons, love or joy they brought me while they lasted. I have reflected on my part in them fading or changing. I’ve accepted not everyone is going to be who they say they are, myself included, but it’s important that I try to keep my word, and not mislead. I’ve decided to always be in the mood for me and to stop squashing the parts of me people made me feel ashamed of like my interests, my sexuality, my joy, my thoughts. I am kinder, I am a better listener, I am more honest — and when I am not I take ownership and do what I can to correct it. I do not doubt myself anymore. I am here for now, and no other moment is guaranteed. I will not spend whatever time I have left worrying about what others think or doing things that aren’t joyful or necessary. my 2022 mood board looks very different, but it’s only because 2021 delivered.

What I am enjoying this week: 

Last week my copy of Writing in Community – An Anthology of the First Year arrived in the mail. I have been devouring it a little each morning, trying to savour all the wonderful and magical words of my fellow salonistas! It is a collection of work from talented members of the London Writers’ Salon, and all proceeds from your purchase generously go to an LWS bursary. 

If you feel inclined to say thanks for this post, please like or comment (it’s free and means so much!), forward it to a friend or you can buy me a slice 🍕