volume twenty-three

panic! at the airport

Hello from a hotel room in Vancouver (as I write this that is. As you read this, if all goes well, I am sitting in the sun with my grandparents in Australia, on what will already be Christmas morning there).

Vancouver was my home before Montreal, for three and a half years. It was the last place I was before I couldn’t go anywhere. Coming back here, however brief, doesn’t feel like I have been gone. It all looks the same and to be fair, life has really been at a standstill on the outside since I left. The mountains are beautiful, the view from my room this morning saw a full moon on soft skies over snow-capped mountains. Zero complaints.

I was asked this week if I have any regrets about moving away from Vancouver to Montreal (for a job I have just decided actually isn’t for me where I am in life right now, and have left). I was so happy to honestly say “no, absolutely none”.

If my flight to Montreal for that move — that was in the air as the city shut down so by the time I landed I was in shock at the state of the world — was delayed by even one day, I would have decided to not take it and wait it out in Vancouver. I would have assumed it would be two weeks of work from home like we all once thought lockdowns might be, then, of course, they would have kept dragging on, and therefore so would my life as it was.

My life was good! I had amazing friends, a lovely apartment and roommate, a great social life and lived in a beautiful city. But there was so much missing I never could have realised without moving in a pandemic and that is why I have no regrets.

If I didn’t move I never would have started seeing a life coach, as a result, found a spiritual practice, found recovery, found sobriety, started my podcast, gone back to writing, found Writers’ Hour, gotten my own apartment and own space, discovered different desires and wants for life, stopped being a workaholic, therefore, managed to plan a long trip home, introduced meditation, found more body acceptance and leant into my own self more and I wouldn’t have formed the friendships that I have in Montreal. I have a life that is vibrant in other ways now, a life that is so different and so perfect.

I was so stripped down by going to Montreal — everything was taken away from me bringing me down to my most authentic core: social life, connections, support system, activities, ways I used to spend my days for years, travel… Then I rebuilt it. Bit by bit, step by step. With only the direction of the true me to do it, the me I was able to see only because I was ripped free of all distractions that would have otherwise gotten in the way, and had been getting in the way my whole life.

So that is where I am going to leave you this week, friends. Hitting ‘schedule’ and stepping away until next week to make room for travel and family time. I go on this trip knowing how great it will be to see so many people I love, while being so grateful to be returning somewhere at the end of it all, that I am so happy to call home.

Stay safe, be well, happy holidays.

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• Travel in a pandemimoore is so freaking stressful, how do y’all do it?

• Saying goodbye to my apartment, my sanctuary.

• Is this another panic attack? Is this the pandemimoore coming for me?

Three blessings from this week:

• The moon through the window in the middle of the night. I awoke, feeling very stressed about my trip, not having slept much. The moon was perfectly positioned in the centre of the window I am able to see from the bed. Big and full and looking at me telling me all is going to be okay. The moon has my back.

• The euphoric feeling of short hair. I got an undercut before my trip and I can’t stop touching my own head in glee.

• Boarding my flight to Vancouver, they checked my passport — nearly 8 years old now — with my long hair, a face full of eyeliner and lipstick and false lashes and said “Wow you look so different! But this is a good change!” and then the person checking my documents complimented my nail polish colour and look, I am just saying, I will fly with that airline again.

Three goals for the coming week:

• Mask up.

• Wash my hands.

• Get tested.

Yes, these are all things I would, of course, be doing anyway but these are my top priorities while travelling. Know that after following these three goals strictly, the only other goal will be to switch off unless at Writers’ Hour and enjoy my time with my family.

What I am enjoying this week: 

Shoutout to these tips for when having a panic attack (thanks to google and some loved ones sharing their tools).

• Name three things you can see, name three things you can hear, move three parts of your body.

• Think of the absolute worst-case scenario, then think what would you do if that actually happened? This was actually so helpful for me this week. You can handle it.

• Go outside, get some fresh air, especially if it is cold out.

• Talk to someone about how you’re feeling. Let it out and it doesn’t feel as doomy.

• Get up and move.

Leave a comment with your tips!

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