volume twenty-one

got adam driver on my mind

What makes something your favourite? When you say “this is my favourite song” or “my favourite pizza topping is…” or “this is my favourite coffee shop” what are you really saying?

There is a lot of discourse — usually in the form of memes or jokes based on actual things that get said — about this. “Oh, Led Zeppelin is your favourite band? Name three of their songs that aren’t Stairway to Heaven”. This actually happened to a friend of mine when her older male co-worker (shocking spoiler — grown-ass men challenge women on their taste often) saw her in a Zeppelin shirt. She named more than three, a lot more, until he walked away and it shut him up, but also, why did he ask her that in the first place? Imagine if she just… “Oh, Jeremy*, I see that you’re wearing a Ralph polo? Name Mr Lauren’s three children! HA! It was a test his real last name isn’t Lauren and you should know that before parading around in this Iconic Mesh Polo in Sailing Orange with a Royal Blue logo. Don’t you Google ANYTHING?”

*I’m assuming.

Similarly, I have been quizzed on my music knowledge by my older male colleagues (and others but mostly them) a lot too. I spent an entire breakfast shift once being approached by a chef every time I entered the kitchen to grab a plate for a table, with more questions about my opinion on each of the Guns N’ Roses albums. I was 21 years old and planning to dress up as Slash for our Christmas Party because the theme was something starting with “S” and Slash is one of my favourite rockstars. “Look dude, Slash is hot and the guys wail. I don’t know what else to say”, is not what I said.

Here is the thing — these guys were acting like total dicks (and also likely thought they were flirting because — a young, hot, woman who also likes the same bands as me even though I am old, married and a total bore? JACKPOT! Let me buy her a coffee and show her pics of my kids and hang by her work station chatting her ear off so she cannot get any work done because I know she is too afraid to say anything because I am also her boss). They come from a generation of men who were basically TOLD treating women like silly little decorations and not letting them get a word in was flirting, I could go on but that is a whole other volume. Also, let me bring myself back to the point I am trying to make this week and that is when something is your favourite it doesn’t mean you have to be an expert.

Google defines ‘favourite’ as: preferred before all others of the same kind. So why are we challenging people for their taste in cinema, books, celebrities, flowers, food, stores, cities, exercises, sports, hobbies, cooking, wine, plants, seasons, eras and bands?

When I say something is my favourite I mean that of all the other things in its category, it is the one that brings me the most amount of joy. It is the one I am going to choose if I can, before all others. It is the one that when I hear it, taste it, see it, feel it or smell it, I am filled with overwhelming joy every time. Maybe it brings back a memory, maybe it creates a new one, maybe it is just pleasant to my taste buds or nostrils, maybe I dance, maybe I cry — bottom line is, what business is it of yours? I didn’t say I was the biggest fan on the face of the planet, I didn’t say I was an expert, I said it was my favourite. There is a difference.

If I say something is my favourite, it doesn’t mean I have studied it thoroughly, or that I know twelve trivia facts about it. In fact, quite the opposite. When I say something is my favourite, I tend to consume it at a level that is joyful and carefree. 

I have different reasons for having a favourite, but they all boil down to joy. When it comes to my favourite places to eat, I don’t know their menu off by heart, but I might know what my favourite items on the menu are. My favourite place to go out for breakfast in my neighbourhood is not because it is the tastiest plate, but because the service is fast and the price is great for my budget. When I say my favourite book is Eat, Pray, Love it doesn’t mean I know the book cover to cover and remember every detail, but I do remember that each time I have read it, it has awoken an insatiable desire for me to write, travel, learn a new language and just do what I truly crave for with my life, I am hanging onto every word. When I say that watermelon is my favourite sparkling water flavour, isn't to say I don’t like any others and for sure isn’t to say I have tried them all, it just means that is the one I am going to buy if it is on the shelf because I know it will make my taste buds sing. When I say Adam Driver is my favourite celebrity crush, that is just because I have been binging him lately and doesn’t mean I know everything about him, or that Miley, Gaga, Noel or any of the others have taken a back seat.

When I say a band is one of my favourites, no I might not know what song was on what album and what year each song was released and the name of the firstborn child of the drummer, but I do know that when I pop on an album or dare I say a playlist of greatest hits of theirs, I can do no wrong no matter what comes on. But also maybe like my friend I might wipe the floor with you if you ask so just don’t be a dick and don’t ask, okay? 

If something is your favourite it is because it brings you more delight and happiness than anything else in its category that you have, up until this point in time, experienced. Do not feel the pressure to take the joy out of your favourite things by feeling as though you need to be an expert on them. You do not. The only thing you need to study, if that is even what you want to call it, is the feeling something gives you, and if it is a good feeling, go with it. No amount of googling can define the pleasure you feel inside, and no amount of quizzing from others can take it away, so don’t let them.

Having said that, here’s something they (who are ‘they’? I don't know it’s just a thing people say) don't like you to know — that you can also have more than one favourite. You are never married to an answer, people change, tastes change and there is just TOO MUCH STUFF out there to decide on one thing. I might like this actor for this movie alone so consider them a favourite, and on the other hand, I like every movie this other actor has been in so also consider them a favourite. Do you see what I mean here? Am I making sense? Am I getting my point across? I am very passionately trying to. Just be happy and ignore the reasons why, if asked, and if you feel like destroying the ego of an overly inquisitive should-be-making-better-use-of-their-time person, wipe the floor with them. If you don’t like confrontation, or if you know, you’d much rather just get back to whatever it is you were doing before you were so rudely interrupted by someone who wanted to challenge you, feel free to turn around and say “Oh! It is my favourite because it brings me copious amounts of joy. Is that a problem for you, my joy?”

In conclusion, here is a list of some of my favourite things filling my cup this week: at the time of writing. There is too much joy in the world to keep track of, that this list will likely be outdated in seven days and was made with thanks to several articles claiming to be written for adults but I think truly, for teens (or at the very least college students and I felt old, okay?).

1. Candy? The pull n peel Twizzlers I have cut into bite-size pieces and have in the jar on the top shelf of my pantry.

2. Band? HA! Honestly, this week, I am all about The Beatles. But, like, are you watching the Disney doc? WOW WOW WOW.

3. Movie? This week I had my annual watch of A Very Murray Christmas. I am linking my favourite scene, not the trailer, because duh. I love every damn person in this scene so fucking much.

4. Book? A dear friend sent me Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott and I am reading it for the first time and it is blowing my mind. I am giggling and highlighting and have had many A-HA! moments.

5. Restaurant? This week it's the diner a five-minute walk from my house where I can get breakfast and coffee for $12 after tip. Like, thank you so much yes, please. Next week it will be Moose's Down Under in Vancouver where the owner is my Canada Mumma and I have a reunion planned with some dear, dear pals on my way to *actual* Down Under.

6. Boardgame? If you know me you know that I don’t really f**k with board games. Do UNO or charades count?

7. City? LA LA Land is the city I have visited the most in my life and miss the most since lockdowns. Coming for youuuuu in 2022.

8. Quote? I think I have mentioned this in almost every volume but it is this one from Elizabeth Gilbert.

9. Colour? Orange, duh.

10. Article of clothing? If we are not saying t-shirt or shoes which are already mentioned later in this list, then I think it has to be my faux fur coat collection or my knitted sweater I thrifted when I was a teenager and it is blue with yellow cars all over it.

11. Memory from this year? When I quit my job. Not because I hated it or the people, not because I had another job to go to. Just because I WAS READY AND IT WAS TIME and it was the first time I took life into my own hands, put my head and heart first, and did so in such an uncertain way. It was so freeing and exciting and the opportunities that keep coming my way since prove that it was absolutely the right choice. I am in love with my life!

12. Time of day? First thing in the morning, when I wake before the sun and shuffle around my apartment in the quiet, switching on lamps, lighting incense, doing my morning routine, all while admiring the sky as it changes and lights up — the colour telling me what kind of day it will be out there. This time is so precious alone, but also so magical because nothing has altered my day yet, I know that very soon I will be drinking hot coffee and sitting down to read and write and that is perfect. At that moment, that is as far as my plans go.

13. Band to see live? The concerts that most stick out in my memory from over the years were Alice Cooper at The Enmore Theatre in Sydney about 12 years ago when I danced and sang my heart out. Secondly, Powderfinger's last tour as the sun set during their set at some music festival I went to many moons ago, and I lay on the grass soaking it all in. Also, at another music festival when I saw The Prodigy and they lost power mid-set, soon getting sound back but no lights (it was night and outdoors) and then playing anyway and literally like 10,000 people got a live concert in the dark until it all came back on and lit up a sea of people having the time of their lives. Fucking awesome.

14. Season? When it rains I am happy inside with good music or a movie or a book. When it is hot and sunny I am happy frolicking. When it snows I am happy going for a walk or sitting and watching. When the leaves are falling, I am admiring the view and the smell and the crunch. I like all the seasons and think I am blessed to live somewhere that experiences them all so greatly. Every time the weather shifts I am excited about the next phase.

15. Shirt? I have a tonne of t-shirts, they are what I wear most days. But my oldest and most faithful is my Robert Smith shirt that my Dad bought me when I was maybe 19 years old and it was a Christmas gift. It is now super snug and worn but in my opinion, it fits me like a glove and I love it.

16. Scent? Right after it rains, on a really hot day.

17. Human interaction? HUGS! Also when two people are laughing so much they cannot get a word out between them or catch their breath.

18. Pair of shoes? My knee-high snakeskin boots have not seen the outdoors for nearly two years but they are still my favs and one day I will find the perfect time to parade them around again, like I don't know, a Wednesday.

19. Animal? I was obsessed with whales when I was younger — watching documentaries and taking notes often. I still am, minus the note-taking, and I think it is because they are as terrifying as they are beautiful and they are graceful and peaceful even with all that might. Stunning and magical babies, the lot of them.

20. Feeling? When a song comes on you didn’t know you needed to hear but it is exactly what your heart needed in that moment so you dance or cry or laugh or lay and close your eyes or power walk or text someone — it stirs something up that was buried just below the surface waiting to pop out with the encouragement of the tune.

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• Cancelling plans. I decided it is not worth the risk to be in public spaces if not necessary before I go to Australia. I am not taking any risks of turning in a positive PCR test and having to cancel my long-awaited trip. Of course, being vaccinated, I feel safe for myself but gotta protect the others in the world, friends! It will be a very solo couple of weeks for me (but by the time you read this, one week has already passed!)

• Ohhhh what if they’re not the problem, I am?

• I am juggling so much at the moment trying to get ahead before my trip, then I said yes to two, possibly three other side hustles while I am away. Why am I like this?

Three blessings from this week:

• Australia Restrictions Update: I am allowed to isolate at my family’s home as they are all vaccinated. This means early Christmas morning when my 72 hours are up, I will emerge like “yes, correct, I am the gift”.

• On Sunday night I was walking home in the snow, with my Christmas playlist playing in my headphones, grinning to myself not believing I’ll be home in the sun for the holidays. It’s been a minute! (ICYMI it has been 7 Christmases!)

• See below:

  

Three goals for the coming week:

• I just looked outside and saw what I didn’t realise was a truck waiting at the light. The ground is covered in snow so it’s all white out there, and so was the truck. All white aside from the giant limes on the side of it. Photographed real-life limes. So for a split second, I thought there were giant limes in the park and I am laughing so hard, even harder when I looked up and it got me AGAIN. Laugh more this week is goal numero uno.

• To have the chill and love of the guy on my team who kept pronouncing “quinoa” wrong (or maybe he is right and the rest of us are wrong because who actually knows). Anyway, anyone else on the team would have been made fun of but this guy is well-loved (or feared but I think loved) that no one said a damn thing. I guess the goal is to carry the confidence and joy that no one would ever correct me? Mmmmm nah, that doesn’t sound fun, I need to learn from my mistakes. Okay talking this out with myself as I type. Let’s make the goal to find out how to pronounce quinoa correctly. Google says [keen-waa] which makes me right. THANK GOODNESS.

• When I get busy, don’t let the things I need slip through the cracks — like good nutritious meals, recovery meetings, sleep, screen breaks and walks. This is especially important as I gear up for Australia — don’t let work take over, Lauren!

What I am enjoying this week: 

My wonderful, amazing friend Gender Meowster has a talk show called Genderful and I am going to be a guest on Monday! It is live on Twitch then becomes available to watch and listen to afterwards, too. They are a fantastic friend and host and I am thrilled to be a part of it.

Genderful E32: Demisexual Bisexual with Lauren Deborah

December 13th 2:30PM PT / 5:30PM ET

You will be able to watch live here. It will also be released as a podcast and play on-demand afterwards so if you cannot join live, look out for that! But if you join the community now and get approved, you can join live and comment or ask questions in the chat!

Gender Meowster has created a delightful, informative, caring and open community and when they asked me to be a guest I was so honoured. I am aware of what a privilege this is to be invited into this wonderful trans and non-binary community and I am grateful for the opportunity to chat with my dear friend, share what I can about my sexuality and experiences as a demisexual bisexual person, and more than anything be open and learn from everyone involved. It will be a hoot and a giggle and very much like a warm hug, so I hope to see you there!

thank you to @transgriffin for the image!

If you feel inclined to say thanks for this post, please like or comment (it’s free and means so much!), forward it to a friend or you can buy me a slice 🍕