volume twenty-nine

we can live beside the ocean, leave the fire behind

DAY THIRTY-SIX

I wake up early in Sydney, with a mission to go get us breakfast to enjoy on the rooftop before we start our day. After the first place I picked is closed, then the second, I go to the third and fourth and they are closed too, and I figure staff shortages must be really bad. Then I use google to try and find another before I realise today is treated as a holiday* and nothing is open.

*January 26th is not a date to celebrate.

I could claim it’s my not celebrating this date that made me forget, I could claim it is that I am on holiday and days and times got away from me. None of that matters. This was a clear indication that my actions need to speak as loud as my words can. Saying it is not a date to celebrate is not enough, I need to show up. Unfortunately, this is something I would only reflect on later in the day when I realised I had done nothing but have fun all day — that even without partaking in the ‘celebrations’ I did nothing to support the message highlighted in the article above, one I claim to support. I am writing this to say that I am holding myself accountable right now, that I have not done enough, and I will do more moving forward.

After a to-go breakfast found at a particular coffee shop franchise that I guess never sleeps, Deb and I walked through Darling Harbour, over the Pyrmont Bridge and back to the hotel for a rest. The day is still so young, there is no one around, and I have been awake since dawn with the intention of getting the first sun on the roof with our breakfast.

After a rest, we make our way to Newtown. It is so bloody hot. The city has started to surface and people are all headed towards the centre, as we head away from it. We meet Dad, who lives in this area and spend the next hour strolling through Newtown, which is thankfully very quiet. I haven’t been here in almost a decade and it is so intriguing to me to see how much has changed and what hasn’t. We snoop some thrift stores, get some fresh juice and end the walk at my Dad’s ‘local’ for lunch. It is so nice to see so many people greet him with a knowing and loving hello.

After lunch Dad shows us where he lives. Between us living on a boat together that we worked on about ten years ago, then my overseas living and him coming to my grandparents when I visit vs me going to him, I haven’t seen somewhere Dad lives in maybe twelve years. I saw furniture from my childhood, little silly things myself and my sisters made him as children, photos of us all that I had long forgotten about, gifts and knick-knacks that he has held onto for their sentimental value — this is a place that is filled with memories of his daughters. It was like a huge step back in time and I felt so emotional. He really does love my sisters and me, so much. He has hung onto everything that means anything to him when it comes to us. It is easy to forget sometimes as he shows love in different ways, and our relationship is less than perfect, but this room speaks volumes of what we mean to him.

In the afternoon, I am reunited with two very dear friends. We take some sunshine strolls to sit in the park and get some nature while we catch up on the last eight years and reminisce on school. Sam and I have known each other since we were in grade three, and he was my first boyfriend. It didn’t work out. Amelia and I have known each other since we were around fourteen years old, and in recent years have discovered we both thought the other to be so incredibly cool but were too afraid to let each other know. We have now made a vow to never hesitate to compliment someone again, so let this be a message to you, too: your life-long very awesome friend could be at the other end of that compliment.

It was a beautiful catch-up with a lot of laughs shared. It was fucking magical — and I didn’t realise I needed this until it was happening — to be with friends my age talking openly about dating, sexuality, careers, future plans and honest feelings on the state of the world. I clock that as soon as I got going talking about all of the things that truly matter to me, and are at the core of my soul, I word vomit. Before I knew it it was dinner time and we were all caught up ready for dinner in the sunshine followed by sunset on the roof. I feel so refreshed after this half of the day.

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN

Redemption! We got take-out from The Grounds and ate it on the rooftop before I went to Writers’ Hour, and then sadly said my goodbye’s to Deb. This past week with her, as always, has been amazing. We are kindred spirits and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I look forward to our one-hour-long catch-up phone call that is inevitable as a debrief when I get back to Canada.

Amelia texts me and says she is heading north today! So instead of risking the pandemimoore coming for me on a train, she will drive me back to Nan and Pop’s house this morning. Hooray to safety! Hooray to more catch up time! HOORAY! I get to show her around what I consider my childhood home — as it is the only one that was consistent in my life — and it feels really special to show someone this space that raised me every summer as a child. She spends some time with Nan, Pop and I before continuing her trip and I reflect on how the friends I have curated over the years are the kind of friends who would sit and chat to my grandparents rather than rush off. I am surrounded by good people who share my values and who have giant, kind hearts. I am one lucky duck.

I spend the afternoon feeling a little guilty about tying myself to the sunny balcony to play catch up on emails and other work. It is time to get back to it! Today was the day I was originally supposed to head back to Canada, therefore the contracts and such I had been working on would resume. Dad has decided to come up for the weekend, to spend more time with me and so I want to get ahead so that I can not work all weekend. I shake off this self-inflicted guilt — the show must go on — my life must go on, and my time and space do not have to be spent feeling guilt, a lesson that is super valuable and I continue to bring to the forefront of my recovery and self-work year after year. Poppy emerges from inside to offer me some of his candy, only to see that I am already eating one of his ice creams, oops!

I got to share some big news with Nan and Pop this afternoon and it was so exciting for all of us.

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

As I work away on the balcony again, I get banana on toast delivered from Poppy. Some would say I am spoiled. Others would say I am loved. I would tell them both not to worry — I cook dinner and do dishes and help out every day, I just also happen to have a grandfather with dementia who loves his sweets, and the only thing he loves more is sharing them.

Last night Nan and I were so surprised that Poppy ate all of his dinner, and so quickly. Today we find it in the pocket of the pants he was wearing last night. He simply tells us he didn’t want to offend anyone by not eating it, so we assure him he never has to eat all of his dinner and leaving it on the plate is okay.

Daddio arrived this morning to spend the weekend with us! He is really making so much effort to have time with me and it is so wonderful.

After dinner ocean checks from the golf course with the boys.

THIS JUST IN: Despite Nan’s thoughts on the matter, I have told her that even though I am 30 years old, I am not expiring. I can still find love (if that is ever something I decide to do, as for right now life is pretty swell and I have got a good thing going on). Also, I don’t need a career by thirty, in fact, maybe I never want a career, maybe I want a life? She was at a loss for words when I told her I had a career that I worked really hard for, and gave it up to have a job and a vocation instead in 2022 — thanks to Liz G, my hero. “Nanny, if life is truly over at thirty, and I am presumably not even halfway through my life yet, then what is the point? I am hopefully going to keep living for a few more decades and reinvent myself a few more times yet”. The subject was changed quickly. It is hard as she comes from a time when all of that might have been true to her, so I don’t want to be rude, but I certainly don’t want to soak up any of that nonsense and make an ounce of it my opinion in any way.

DAY THIRTY-NINE

Early-risers Dad and Lauren go to the beach! Taking a dip that early was the best way to start the day. The temperature was perfect but the waves today were rough coming in from each and every way, knocking me on my butt. My ears and nose are full of saltwater as I sit here on the sand enjoying the view and the sunshine instead, and my skin feels happy.

I am beginning to worry about leaving. Poppy has really gotten used to me being here every day — and our activities we do together — especially when Nanny is out. Has he seemed extra lost and moody the last few days or is it my worry creeping in that is amplifying what was already there?

On a happier note — at lunch when Poppy orders the kids meal because let’s face it, he doesn’t eat much — it comes with an ice cream bowl, which he attempts to cut into fours to share with us. Bless.

Nan tells all her friends as we leave lunch at the golf club, that she is sick of visitors (unknown to her that I am in earshot). Then she points to me and says “except for her”.

A bird pooped on me on the way back — awaiting my good luck but how will I know when it comes when I feel lucky every day just being?

When Dad day drinks (when my parents day drink for that matter, or drink loudly or messily or obnoxiously or excessively which they have both been known to do as long as I have known them) it makes me feel embarrassed that people might lump us into the same category. This makes me reflect on when I used to drink, and how far I have come, and how easy this makes it for me to stay away from the drink, and how much I do not miss wanting to drink any chance I get, and how there is no competition but how I am so glad I gave it up before I let it take over completely… and how much I hope my life stays this way.

Poppy tells Nan and Dad how I gave him first aid for a cut on his arm, singing my praises. Then he says jokingly “then she took my wallet”. His memory fades but his sense of humour remains.

There is fighting in the family today and I feel so grateful for my self-work in action right now as I feel no responsibility to step in and solve other people’s issues.

I know what I said about Ash Barty last week, but watching her win tonight at the AO, was pretty fucking exciting and I guess I was just jealous my grandparents have wanted to spend more time with her than with me for the last two weeks. I can see why and I take it all back.

DAY FORTY

Off to church again today, so that Poppy has someone to go with. I am grateful for some of the prayers and angry at others. This is ultimately not the place for me but I stay until the end as I am here for Poppy (that and I am a remarkably good daydreamer who can take herself anywhere else for forty-five minutes). The silver lining? Poppy and I accidentally matched our outfits.

My super cool younger cousin that you read about here drives the hour with her partner, to spend the day with Dad and I. We start our day at the market where she buys all the plants we can carry, and I am ridiculously jealous. I get talking with the man who is selling the plants and I am inspired by the fact that he sells them so cheap because “I only need to break even, this is my hobby and my passion and I love doing it”. So much goodness to take away from him.

After the market, Dad and I were positively spoiled with a grazing board from heaven prepared by my super cool younger cousin to eat with a wonderful view. I enjoy it as best as I can while trying to ignore being annoyed at the fact that Dad hasn’t said thank you once, why am I fixating on this and why am I feeling embarrassed? Why can’t I just enjoy this perfect day?

We get back for a quick change for the beach, and I see I have fresh towels laid out on my bed for me, along with this morning’s Sunday paper’s puzzle section — my favourite!

In the space of a day, so much good can be done and enjoyed. I am so grateful for my super cool younger cousin, and so excited for more adventures ahead with her. As I floated around in the perfectly temperatured ocean this afternoon — escaping the heat that is still upon us at 4 pm — I couldn’t contain my joy as I told her over and over how perfect today has been and how happy I was right in that very moment in the sun, in great company, in the saltwater, relaxed to the max and blissed-out — pure, utter, wonderful joy in the form of repeated squeals of delight. It was a nice little bonus that just she and I wanted to swim, just so I could get this one-on-one period with her to soak up all her infectious awesomeness — she is oxygen and any trouble of the day slipped away.

We say our hard goodbyes and Dad gives her the biggest hug and a huge thank you for the wonderful day. I need to stop worrying about others and only worry about myself.

Once Nan and Pop come in for the night, I and anyone else tend to, too, usually to help with clean up after dinner and then we stay inside. Tonight after dark Dad and I remembered we had washing on the line and go out to get it. I am in awe of what I have been missing by sticking to their dinner - inside - tv evening routines. Dad and I spent quite some time stargazing and spotting shooting stars — something neither of us gets living in cities. Note to self: more evening time outside needs to be spent this week while I still can.

DAY FORTY-ONE

I woke up this morning to the sound of the summer rain through the open window.

I am greeted with an “oh, are we up, are we?” from Nan at 6:45 am as if it is 12 noon and I slept the day away, as a response to my “good morning!” and you know what? I do feel like I slept the day away. I am becoming one of them.

I had my teary goodbye with Dad this morning. I stood on the balcony waving until he was out of sight. I am so grateful for the time spent this past month — the quality time — I am really thankful for all the ways in which we put effort into our relationship.

As I head back to my room to do some more work, I get another banana toast delivery from Poppy.

Every day for over a week, this song has been stuck on a loop. The lines about living beside the ocean and wanting to feel some sunshine are spinning around like a broken record in my head (and mouth) and I hear the message of the ending of one thing is the beginning of another.

Poppy got pretty angry today, convinced that Nan said she would take him for a walk this afternoon and was pissed off that he had been waiting around while she went about her housework. I returned from running errands to him fuming, and I had to tell him over and over she never said that. In fact, it was me, I said I was going to the beach this afternoon and mentioned he could join me if he liked. I must have told him ten times and yet he swore and cursed at Nan for being a liar. This is rough. Every day I see a Poppy I no longer recognise, but what is even worse is that the more time I spend with this era of him, I lose my memory of the one I have known my whole life. I am also glad I was there, because if not, how much worse would this have escalated?

I made my way to the beach, hesitant because now I have a grumpy Poppy in tow and a sad Nanny who is coming along, even though I tell her over and over she doesn’t have to (I think she is just coming to calm him down). I should have kept my mouth shut because I am so glad they came along. We got to the beach and they both want to come all the way down the sand to the water with me, and so I lay my towel out long-ways for them to sit and watch the ocean while I take a dip. The water was divine and as a bobbed along in the waves and floated about, I glanced back to see them both more relaxed than I have in years, like a glimpse back into my childhood. I was just missing my older sister by my side and my younger sister too little for the waves building a sandcastle next to Nan and Pop as Nanny kept waving us back in between the flags.

When I emerged from the water, I walked straight past Nan without realising that she had made her way to the water and I learned she regretted not bringing her swimmers. I am going to bring her back because I didn't even know she still owned swimmers and I am getting her in that water. The beach was like a reset button for us all — on our day, our minds and our moods.

I know when I next return it won’t be like this. I know Poppy will be angrier, more forgetful, not expecting me to be here every day like he is now. That is the best-case scenario. I remind myself that I need to cherish every single moment this week.

After dinner, Nanny and I watch The Voice Generations together. As if to treat me, there is a three-day mini version this week that Nan and I can watch together all week. I cried just three times in this episode, which is pretty light for me. I can’t not cry at heartfelt family times and beautiful voices singing beautiful songs that give me goosebumps.

I went outside for a star check before bed and Nan started locking up the house with me out there (her hearing isn’t great so I am guessing she didn’t hear me say I was going out or the door, or my talking to her…). I said “Hey! I am out here!” and it startled her so much that we both ended up doubled over laughing.

Ended the night with a big hug from Nanny thanking me for today, and saying it would have been so much worse if I wasn’t there. I thanked her for today. I am so lucky to be spending this time.

DAY FORTY-TWO

Poppy apologised to Nanny this morning. I don’t think he remembers specifics but his heart knows he is sorry.

I had a phone call with one of my favourite people to start the day today which was like oxygen. I am so grateful for a friend I can be honest with my nerves, excitement, uncertainties, decisions, anger, gratitude and just plain old “let’s just see what happens”. She is always championing me and my ever-evolving journey. I remember the days when I longed to be her friend because we worked parallel but never together but her energy was so contagious even from a distance. I am so blessed to now have her in my life. If I am half the friend to her, that she is to me, I am already going above and beyond what I think I am capable of.

Another afternoon swim was had today while Nan and Pop watched on — this time from up at the surf club, I think the walking up the sand took it out of them yesterday but I am so glad they got out for the walk anyway. I wasn’t in the ocean long before the ocean got dark and I turned back to the shore to see a monstrous cloud coming in, with a for-sure storm headed straight for us from the direction of home. I went back up to get Nan and Pop to get the home before it hit, but we never got the storm…

I spoke too soon! We got a huge downpour after dinner, accompanied by thunder. I love Australian summers.

I watched day two of three of The Voice tonight and cried some more with Nanny. I mean she was there, I was the one crying.

Continued next week.

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

No blessings, struggles or gratitudes lists this week as I think they’re pretty well covered above.

If you feel inclined to say thanks for this post, please like or comment (it’s free and means so much!), forward it to a friend or you can buy me a slice 🍕