volume twenty

sorry, I was eating fresh bread

“Lauren wasn’t afraid of death because she stopped being afraid of life. She stopped worrying about the judgement of others, making a fool of herself, rejection, messing up and people-pleasing.

As a result, Lauren didn’t hold back. It was in this way, that no matter where or how she spent each day, she knew that if it turned out to be her last, she would have no regrets.”

I had mentioned in a previous edition that I was enjoying 28 Days Of Joyful Death Writing. This is the last week of the practice and I have a whole journal of handwritten reflections to prove that this process has been a beneficial one. On one of the reflections this week, we were told to write our own obituary, keeping in mind some elements of the mediation we had been given that day. Above is a portion of mine that as I wrote it, I felt it so deep in my soul. I feel it because I feel myself on the way to being there but with a resistance to take myself all the way. It is an attitude the pit of my stomach aches for every day, I feel the tug of it as the rope around me pulls in shorter and tighter. But there I am, with a really blunt pocket knife trying and failing to cut myself away as society, past relationships, stale friendships and past versions of myself have me by the ankle pulling me in the opposite direction.

NOLA wisdom: are you happy? find your happy!

I feel as though when I turned thirty — as so many who have turned thirty before me have told me — life took a turn for the better. Maybe it was turning thirty, maybe it was getting sober, maybe it was the mark of (at the time) surviving twelve full months mostly alone in a city where I knew hardly anyone and did not speak the language, maybe it was finding my daily writing practice and a community I love and can share that with, maybe it was finding a queer community that I love and meet with each week, maybe it was the launch of my podcast, maybe it was that I started seeing a life coach. Or maybe it was none of these things alone, but instead, the fact that all of these things had a ripple effect on each other — causing the continuous flow of me stepping into myself. These things helped me to find my favourite self, and every day they absolutely make sure I don’t shy away from who I am before the full day gets going and the influences of others creep in.

I know that so far, I will never regret a day because the way I spend each morning is a gift to myself. It’s the rest of the day I am slowly working on.

My mornings involve me waking up early, the first thing I do is walk up to my big sliding door and examine the sky — admiring the shades of pinks and purples as the sun rises, judging by what I see what kind of day I am going to have.

Then I make my bed, give myself a face massage, read my affirmations and stare at the sky some more.

Then it is time to eat my breakfast and put on coffee which is ready in time for me to light some incense, read from my daily reader, and sit down with a hot cup for 8 am Writers’ Hour.

When Writers’ Hour is done I resist the urge to open that tab on my computer that has emails and other distractions. They can always wait.

I pop on some tea, take myself to the couch and read from whatever book has taken my fancy that day. By now the sun is fully up and I watch the sky a little more as it shifts.

When 10 am hits, so does my official work day. But until then it is just me. Well just me, the voices in my reading, the voices in my writing and the friends in Writers’ Hour. But there is no work, no social media, no news, no media of any kind, no outside world, no texts or calls. This time is spent being me — authentically, creatively, compassionately, selfishly (in the way I should).

Whatever elements of the time I turned 30 played a part in becoming morning-routine-Lauren, they made me who I am today. The kind of person who knows how happy she is and has so much to be happy about, so as a result says as part of her morning affirmation “go where it’s warm.” Meaning: when I find those people, places or things whom when I’m with them my heart is full, my soul is on fire, my face is glowing — I must hang on to them, spend as much time with them as I can, let them help bring out the best in me, and let myself love and support them, always.

When someone leaves to go home after visiting me and my home feels empty right away, or after a long phone call that fills me with motivation for my week or a spring in my step, when time flies, when sitting alone in silence is as enjoyable as a room full of noise, when I write a really good sentence, or I write an okay sentence in a really good flow, when I see a cute dog in the elevator of my building and chat with their owner, when my coffee in the morning is hot, when my late-night journalling is endless, when a text notification makes me smile before I even see what it says and I just see who it is from, when the first thing I do when I wake in the morning is walk to the window and comment to myself on the weather or the sky with some version of “wow” — that person, that place, that practice, whatever it is — I need to follow it. This applies not just to people and to places but also to jobs, to recreational activities, to mornings, to evenings, to weekends, to vacations — GO WHERE IT IS WARM.

iambrillyant

A post shared by billy chapata. (@iambrillyant)

Anyway, this week was a really good week, this volume was written in a bit of a rush and a mess, and I am really grateful.

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• I saw House of Gucci and now I hate all my clothes.

• When I find myself clinging on to someone because of what our relationship might have been once upon a time, hoping that if I keep praising them, bending for them, cowering for them, shrinking so they can feel bigger — I am hurting myself in so many ways. If being around someone feels forced, if it feels sad, if it feels like I can’t be authentic, that I am actually not wanted but we are both there out of some kind of unspoken obligation to our past selves, or if being around them means I can’t be proud of myself so I bite my tongue for fear of rejection, judgement or disapproval, I have to step away. Maybe not completely, but just a few steps back, maybe two or three, just far enough away that I can expand to my full self without a barrier of them stopping me. I once longed for the emotional maturity of a certain person in my life, but now that I have been hard at work on mine for some time, they have shifted. Not that I have ‘taken over them’, that is not how things work — they accepted me before I grew, the way I will always accept them. But it appears they no longer like me now I am working on myself. I feel as though they preferred it when they felt better than me, more superior, but now that we are on more of an equal playing field, they are unhappy.

• I made my way to a blues bar this week with some friends, which is my happy place, but it was so hard without a drink. So, so hard. Especially when a lovely man bought a shot for everyone in the bar to cheers together. The server brought me over a shot glass with cranberry juice to participate which was super nice and thoughtful but also made me feel so odd, like when the only vegetarian menu item is fake meat instead of just vegetarian food. Anyway, then a man fell asleep at the bar and I realised I was able to remember every single part of the night because I was sober, and so the rest of the night was a blast and I sang my heart out and foot tapped* my way into the night.

*we still can’t get up and dance because of restrictions.

Three blessings from this week:

• Visits from my friends. Old friends. Great friends. This volume was written quicker than usual as I spent most of the week catching up with friends I used to live with long ago. A few days of fun and hugs and laughs and authentic conversation is bliss. Plus — bread from scratch baking in the kitchen, filling my little apartment with delicious smells of sourdough and rosemary. Sliced and shared together while it was still warm.

• Snowy mornings, burning my favourite incense and listening to my Christmas playlist as I shuffle around making coffee and breakfast and greeting the day.

• A huge and perfect opportunity I really wanted, that I had assumed had passed as so much time had gone by and I had heard nothing so I stopped thinking about it, was offered to me this week. More to come in the new year — but just know that it ain’t ever over until it’s over, friends!

Three goals for the coming week:

• The restrictions are tightening in Australia. As it stands while writing this, I will have to self isolate when I arrive. I am more than happy to do my part in keeping people safe, but it does sting. This will be money I wasn’t planning on spending on a hotel and time trimmed off my trip — time that includes Christmas Day. I panicked, thinking I should try and move my trip up so I was out of isolation for then, but then it was going to cost A LOT of money so I decided, as will be my goal until I leave, to just go with it. I have zero control over if the restrictions tighten further or lessen in the next three weeks. So just breathe and know I will be hugging my grandparents when the time comes.

• Appreciate my routine when I have it because it serves me so well. Embrace the flexibility when I take time off because it is so important to relax and take things as they come.

• Say no when I need to, offer an alternative when I can.

What I am enjoying this week: 

I have started watching The Beatles: Get Back — it is blowing my mind! I just can’t put into words how surreal it feels to be seeing this footage with the world for the first time. Today everything is on camera. EVERYTHING. People spend their time trying to hide footage because it is private or offensive or embarrassing or career-ending and if it is none of those things then to the internet it must go — I am a huge player in this game, too. This footage is something that if recorded today would be out next week, the content comes first in 2021. CONTENT CONTENT CONTENT. The thought to have kept it away for so long and bring it to us now is just deliciously magnificent. I wasn’t even close to being around when it was filmed, my parents were tiny children, people were alive when it was filmed that are now long gone. To be around now when it is released — well I just feel like a very lucky lady. No time capsule will ever beat this in my opinion, sorry but not sorry. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve sung, I’ve danced and if it’s not too disrespectful I’ve blushed a little too — they’re all just so hot.

And a little bonus enjoyment this week: I am so lucky and grateful to have found London Writers’ Salon — to have found a community I love so much, feel so at home with and to become my favourite self with. I was fortunate enough to be profiled by fellow LWS-Lauren this week and you can read it here. I had a lot of fun answering these questions and Lauren #1 is amazing for putting these together each week and just amazing in general <3 Join us at a Writers’ Hour soon!

If you feel inclined to say thanks for this post, please like or comment (it’s free and means so much!), forward it to a friend or you can buy me a slice 🍕