volume three

a love letter to drew.

Bonjour, hi!

I tried out some new, let’s call them activities, during the pandemic, but one really stood out for me more than the rest. I was a virtual audience member on a well-known actresses new daily talk show. I won’t say who, I will just say she got to shake and bake with Eric Knox (aka Sam Rockwell) once upon a time and I will always be jealous of that fact because his dance moves are the sexiest moment in cinema history ever. The (original and only IMO) Charlie’s Angels films really knew how to make a villain: Eric Knox and his sidekicks Vivian Wood and Creepy Thin Man? WOAH. Then just coming in hot with the sequel and having the villains played by Demi Moore and Justin Theroux? I am getting distracted now.

When applying to be an audience member for the show, they asked for one fun fact about me, should they find it interesting enough that the host would want to call on me and have a chat. I have never felt so much pressure in my life. One cool fact about me? On one hand, how do I narrow it down? On the other, do I even have a cool fact, or just…facts?

I cannot remember what I wrote in the end, I know I put a post on social media asking for suggestions but I think quite honestly, I left it blank and decided I didn’t want that kind of responsibility.

In honour of the missed opportunities of the day I did my hair and make-up then wore sweat pants (because shoulders up baby!) here are 30 cool (?) facts about me should you ever have me on your talk show and want conversation topics.

1. In 2019 I was on a plane on Christmas Eve and decided to watch Love Actually, because, Christmas! I forgot how much nudity there is in that movie (remember the actors that fell in love on set as body doubles?) and very much confused my fellow passengers with how much I was crying. Without context, I was watching porn and sobbing and honestly, nothing wrong with that, but you don’t do it on a plane. That movie is an emotional rollercoaster. (side note Alan Rickman is the worst husband in that film but the best boss/friend, so you know, maybe some bad people from your life were really good people in other people’s lives? Something to think about).

   

2. My love language is cleaning the kitchen as you cook. If you are waiting for something to boil, bake, fry or pre-heat you better believe that is your opportunity to do the dishes and wipe the counter. If we aren’t sitting down to eat with a clean kitchen, then we are not sitting down to eat.

3. I cannot go to sleep without doing my several step skincare routine and I have moisturized my entire body from head to toe after every shower since I was 14. Maybe it’s my undiagnosed OCD, but I have amazing skin so I am not mad about it.

4. I don’t tend to get hung up on embarrassing moments easily, but there is one from 2014 that still haunts me to this day. I was at an Italian Dinner Party in Beverly Hills. I was way out of my comfort zone/social circle as we were in a GORGEOUS home, the food was plentiful, the wine was expensive and the conversation was full of name dropping. I was super jet-lagged and had one wine and barely any food so I didn’t make a bad impression (what the actual heck so glad I just eat when I am hungry now). Anyway, a little bit into the night I was in the kitchen chatting to some people and a party guest went to fix her hair and I thought she was going to hug me goodbye, so I went in for the hug and we awkwardly hugged. I quickly realised my mistake but just tried to go with it and said “nice meeting you!” as if I was leaving. But the people who took me to the dinner party weren’t ready to leave for another two hours. Brutal.

5. When I was around 16 I wanted a surface piercing on my wedding finger so I could prove how COOL I was about not wanting to get married. I convinced a family member (I won’t say who) to do it for me and they chickened out partway through, rightfully so. I still have a dot on my finger from it.

6. It is impossible for me to floss and cry at the same time.

7. I loved the Tobey Maguire Spiderman so much, that I had Spiderman bed linen as a teen and hung on to them a littttttle too long. I remember having sex with my high school crush that I ran into at the bar when I was eighteen and I was still rocking the Spiderman linen. Cool. Cool. Cool.

8. I have on more than one occasion had my packing skills complimented by airport security when they’ve done their random screening and it truly makes me feel so proud that I forget the inconvenience of being randomly (?) selected.

9. Once a late-night eatery knows my order it is time to move cities. In Noosa, Australia on a particular occasion, I was lined up and when I got to the front they had already made my falafel kebab order with no onion, just like I like it. In Halifax, I was greeted by “we have one veggie pizza slice left!” when I entered the place next to Bearleys. On my last week in Vancouver, it was “Vegan wrap no onion for you!” before a hello. I left all of these places by coincidence (?) the next week. As soon as La Banquise says “Grande Vegan Poutine?” on entry to me you will never see me in Montreal again.

10. The most jealous I have ever been was when I was in the gift shop of The Butchart Gardens on Vancouver Island and overheard an elderly couple arguing about what magnet would be best to buy for their neighbour and thinking how lovely their life must be if that is their biggest issue.

11. I used to commit a horrible food crime and put butter on my peanut butter sandwiches. Please forgive me, I was young and naive!

12. I realised last year that although I do not believe anything can *make* you queer, the movie Ghost 100% made me bisexual.

13. Crows hate me.

14. When I cut my hair off this year, from pretty long to a cool and trendy bowl cut (truth be told I took a pic of Demi Moore from Ghost as a reference) I said “Wow this haircut is so much cooler than I am!” and the dude who cut it smiled and did not disagree.

15. Linked In tells you when someone views your profile -- so to the dude who I had to block on all social media I see you were creeping me at 2 am and you’re blocked there now too. This isn’t really a fact more of an opportunity to say that I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you have now made your way here to keep tabs on me so if you’re reading this, please, I beg of you, get a life.

16. I wonder if I didn’t watch Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen when I was 13 would I be like this? I am the way I am because of Lola. What would my life look like without that film clearly having such a profound effect on me?

17. There was once a power outage while I was mid pap smear and we were left in total darkness until the backup generator kicked in and switched on the overhead light that happened to just shine right down directly like a spotlight on my bits.

18. I learned more about wine in Season 4, Episode 4 of Please Like Me than in 12+ years in the hospitality industry.

19. I am demisexual + bisexual, which basically means that I am attracted to everyone but also no one better come near me.

20. At 30 years old I still often get my facial cleanser in my eyes in the shower because if I close my eyes too long a ghost will get me.

21. When I was around 12 years old I was OBSESSED with Heath Ledger - my walls were covered in articles, pictures, posters, interviews… and when I say covered I mean my Dad visited and I had him hang a poster on my ceiling because my walls were full. I spent many a night with the almost life-size cardboard cut out of him from A Knight’s Tale, so you could say that was my first relationship. It came to a sudden halt when I read an interview with him that said he was only interested in older women as they like to act younger, and younger women he doesn’t like because they are always trying to act older. That’s when I sadly had to accept that it was never going to work out between us. Up until then, I mean, clearly, we were meant for each other.

my mum was moving and found them all packed up in a box in her garage…

22. The “Zoom Era” that we are currently living in is particularly torturous for me, someone who has long been known for all of her cool pants.

23. Some things are so hard for me to remember when they are tasks I do often, but then other things take up that precious brain space that shouldn’t. For example, do you know that whenever I see the number 141 I think of the boyfriend I had when I was 14 for three days whose motocross number was 141 because his birthday was October 14th? But try to remember birthdays of friends or anniversaries of really big moments in my own adult life or important appointments and you better believe I need to rely on my calendar. Time to assign motocross numbers to everything.

24. Steven Tyler is the celebrity most featured in my dreams.

25. All of my 20-odd plants have names and personalities I have given them and I sing and chat to them when I water them.

26. I host a podcast called ‘My Dad Stole My Limelight’ and it is inspired by the fact that my Dad came out to me around the time I was accepting my sexuality and thinking about doing the same. I interview people who have come out and someone they’ve come out to. It’s lovely and fun and educational and a warm hug.

27. My first kiss was when I was 15 at a party on the hood of a car with an older emo guy who was not my boyfriend. My boyfriend would arrive later on and be my second kiss. Look I am not proud of it but also I was drunk on a bottle of passion pop, the guy kissed me first, and my boyfriend and I had an almost exclusively MSN based relationship. Things were different then and I think that party might have been one of two times total I ever saw that boyfriend IRL for the like month or something we dated. Also, I was 15 I have done way worse when I have had way more common sense so going to forgive myself for this now.

28. My first ever roommate bought me a rose for Valentine’s Day then the next day said he really wanted to talk to me about something important so I kept avoiding being home and when he would ask when we could talk I would say I was busy and make plans. I thought he was going to declare his love for me, he wanted to tell me he was moving out.

29. I am vegan unless I am at my grandparent’s house who I do not have the heart to tell after they go to all of the trouble of making me vegetarian food.

30. Getting back into writing after many, many years has been such a blessing. The two writing projects I am most proud of in my life are Koala Bill which I wrote when I was 5 or 6 and absolutely was not inspired by two well known existing Koala related media of Koala Lou and Blinky Bill and my short story The Ghost in The Dryer when I was around 10.

I love you.

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• The comedy community lost a pal too soon, yet again. Each time it happens it stings to lose them and then brings back up all the loss and pain of others that left us too soon too. My dream is to one day have my own comedy venue and (if they’re okay with it of course) make sure no comedian ever leaves without getting a hug.

• I let a friend down, I did something compulsively without thinking and moved on but it had a huge effect on them, I am grateful they were open and honest with me and I am able to work on mending it.

• The heat! Ugh, 31 degrees celcius and 89% humidity? No thank you!

Three blessings from this week:

• Staycation! Seven days off work to finally play tourist in the city I have lived in for 17 months and have yet been able to explore.

• A new tattoo. Sort of. I got some stuff added to a pre-existing one that means I have some pretty nasty scars now covered and can enjoy this heat in tank tops without being self-conscious. Hoorah!

• The power of technology getting me cute pics of my niece in real-time before her first dance class.

Three goals for the coming week:

• Carrying on from last week I will not check my work emails on my time off.

• Balance productivity and rest in the hopes that I am able to carry that on to my work days when I return.

• Check off everything on my wish list in order to explore the city on this staycation - there are restaurants to try, dates to take myself on, parts of the city to explore, mountains to be climbed and parks to be sat in while reading.

What I am enjoying this week: My best friend in the whole world inspires me like no one else. She is fierce, funny, smart and kind beyond words. She does her part in making the world a better place through activism and education and being the change she wishes to see in the world. She is a badass and we need to be more like Rhi.