volume thirty-five

selfish or self-care?

Hey, youuuuuuuu! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

Yes. You are.

Heck, this volume was going to be about something else entirely then I changed it at the last minute when I sat to write.

Breaking promises, letting people down, disappointing people — these should all be avoided when you can. But don’t let your guilt make you decide something that isn’t ultimately what your heart or soul desires or what is best in the long run for you. It will only lead to you making a decision for someone else's sake, then you will resent them for it later.

I got a really interesting phone call over the weekend. My best friend in Vancouver rang to say a room had opened up with him and his roommate in their three-bedroom apartment for April.

Now if you read last week, you would have read that I have secured a room with someone who is like a mum to me, and I was very excited about it. So of course, I had to tell my best friend if it wasn’t for that, it would be an instant “yes”, however, I have to do the right thing for everyone and take a few days.

My best friend lives in one of my favourite areas. When I was talking to people about returning to the west coast for a wee bit, this is where I said I wanted to be. I have never lived there (I have, however, lived in a few other areas of the city: Mt Pleasant, Kitsilano, The West End…twice…). But this time I felt drawn to this area. Considering my this-side-of-the-world-best-friend lives there (because I have a the-other-side-of-the-world-best-friend as you know from my dreamy adventures back home), I have spent quite a bit of time there. Over the last two years, with all of the changes I have had that I so often talk about in these love letters (sobriety, reconnecting to a spiritual practice, recovery on a few levels, embracing my creativity and artistic ways) I no longer want the busyness of the city, where groceries are triple the price, where the highrises create shadows on sunny days, where there isn’t a neighbourhood but rather a business district and a nightlife. The upside to this downtown area is that it is close to the ocean and of course the lovely roommate I had secured in a lovely home, so I was sold.

Instead, before I had actually begun looking for somewhere to live, I wanted this other area of thrift stores and pizza by the slice and dive establishments mixed with fun restaurants with awesome live shows of all kinds on a regular basis and being able to pick up a new plant each time I leave the house and bike tracks and coffee shops and theatres and bakeries.

I want to venture out on Sunday mornings, coffee in hand, picking up a fresh pastry and a new succulent baby and fresh produce for my Sunday night dinner then return home and go for a bike ride before writing some afternoon pages because I am feeling inspired by the day, then ending with a delicious feast in good company. Who knows, maybe even pop out after dinner to catch some music or theatre or comedy or drag.

I have limited time left in Vancouver, for now, and this is how I envisioned it spent. This is how I intended to flip everything around after the two years of solace in loneliness by finding solace in nature, small talk with strangers, affordable groceries, neighbourhood favourite spots and being close to friends.

Let me be clear if my best mate had never called, I never would have changed my mind or allowed myself to wander to this daydream again. Once I had locked in my West End townhouse, I was all in. But that is where my thinking took me. As did the conversations I had with others weighing it up over the weekend. In the end, I realised that having an entire home that feels like home is important, an entire leafy street and an entire neighbourhood. Rather than a perfect bedroom that I may rarely leave, it would be so nice to have a reason to pop my head out at the end of my workday and trade screen time for friend time.

Living with this mumma figure would have been divine. The perks being my own bathroom, a room perfect for writing with a big window and a sunroom for a change of writing scenery. She works ALL OF THE TIME so I would often be alone and undisturbed to write and create. Really, my life wouldn’t be that different to what it is right now. Which felt comfortable and safe when I said yes.

After thinking it over once presented with another option, I don’t want what my life is right now. I have had two years of it. I am ready to be social, to be stimulated, to be surrounded by love, to — and this is the big one — have a reason to leave my desk chair.

Living with these two soon-to-be roomies means a creative outlet. It means a home of artists and creators and like-minded pals who balance work and play and magic-making and relaxing and family dinners and watching Spice World while doing face masks.

This is what my soul needs. This is what, after all of the packing up and leaving and starting again and following my heart, I should be going for. I couldn’t see it until it was presented to me and it was there to compare. I would have been perfectly happy and delighted with option A, but decided to choose option B. It is serving who I am trying to be.

This left me to break the news to my mumma figure friend. Who, logistically might be a little putout but nothing major. Sure, I can understand this is going to be annoying because I have a pulse and a heart and feelings, so I know that. But it gives time and notice and for your clarity of the situation lovely reader, the room has been vacant for a while and it was not her top priority to fill it, it just so happened that I announced my move and everything clicked and I am so grateful.

But, still, there is a feeling of feeling bad there. Which I think is absolutely okay. To a degree. If I felt nothing that would make me heartless and cold. It is the level of bad though, the level of guilt I am feeling that is consuming me, and it mostly revolves around the fact that I feel like I am leaving her. I am not. I still want to hang out, I still want to pop over and cook her dinner, I still want to jump in and cover some shifts at her restaurant as she needs so we can have a laugh on shift together. But my guilt lies in her comments like “I am so excited to have your positivity around”. So I sit here feeling responsible for her happiness, which I am not. And I sat there all weekend feeling like I need to prioritize her happiness over mine and not be selfish, which really sends my thoughts against each other in my brain.

So, as mentioned, I go to others.

There is a simple answer and I struggled to find it alone. Thanks to friends in program, friends outside of it, my sponsor and this love letter I come to it. I know what I need to do. I need to be honest. I need to be kind. I need to be willing and aware that I might hurt feelings but know that might happen and choose anyway. Because, as selfish as it may sound, I am allowed to change my mind, especially when it is self-care.

Have you ever had to change your mind and let someone down for your own better interest? Am I being selfish? Maybe.

My sponsor told me that my making my living space feel right is like my oxygen mask, that I am putting mine on before anyone else’s (something I struggle with often). She told me that it is the ultimate form of self-care. She also told me when I went into more detail about my feelings as to why, that this was mayyyyybe my co-dependency creeping in. She told me to ask myself, am I doing this (considering staying in option A) because I don’t want to hurt another person and have no other reason? If so, that is not the same thing as hurting someone intentionally and repeatedly.

So the conclusion I came to (with the help of others) is that sometimes you have to be not selfish, but act in self-care. Sometimes you might have to temporarily let someone down in order to not let yourself down. And you know what? This mumma figure was more than understanding and the world didn’t end.

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• All of the above! 🤷

• Started saying goodbye to my plant babies! 🌱

• Standing up for myself with my landlord. I am currently arguing a charge that is illegal (and I only know because a friend brought it to my attention, I was ready to just pay it). I have sent them links to government websites where it states they are not allowed to ask for money for these things and so now we wait and I try not to be terrified. I feel good because man, you get enough money you don’t need that $100 but I do. But also, I am not good at sticking up for myself with these things so let’s see! 💀

Three blessings from this week:

• As I continue to sell my things off, it is a blessing to see how they bring another joy, and how that outweighs my sadness for giving them up lets me know I am on the right path. This week I sold my orange shag rug and the person literally squealed when I handed it to them. Then again when they left, to their friend when they thought I was out of earshot. It made my day.🧡

• Hello, weather! I see you jumping just above freezing and I thank you, so so much! ☀️

• I woke up about twenty minutes before my alarm on Wednesday to see a FULL ORANGE MOON setting itself into bed for the day. I would have missed it if my alarm woke me, but thankfully I got to leap out of bed and enjoy her tucking herself in. Fucking incredible.🌕

Three goals for the coming week:

• Finish the mini online course I started over the weekend, which I kept putting off over and over. I am loving it! I am making the commitment to myself to make the time for it this week! 📜

• I heard this week that “time management is boundary management” and I intend to carry that out in my self-care.⏲️

• Make another batch of vegan cookies! Operation “use up everything in the pantry” is going so very well. I made vegan choc-chip cookies on the weekend and I think the next ones might have to be hundreds and thousands filled. They just HAVE TO BE! 😉🌈🍪

What I am enjoying this week: 

This is the course I am taking on Hit Record: Creating a Character Based on Yourself with Joe Gordon-Levitt! To become a member of the platform is free, where you can collaborate and get prompts or give prompts in not only writing but also music, visual art, film, voice acting, photography and more! The classes I am told actually cost $$$ now (I think I got early access) BUT it looks like they are giving this one course out for free so… who knows? I recommend taking a look and doing what you can!

If you feel inclined to say thanks for this post, please like or comment (it’s free and means so much!), forward it to a friend or you can buy me a slice 🍕