volume sixty-six

spotto!

hi, lauren deborah! is free for subscribers every week.

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It’s just over a month until I get back to the motherland again — sunshine, summer and sand await. And spotto. A game that might be called something different for you, but I am sure you know it. It is perfect for road trips. 

“Spotto a house with a red door!”

If I see one first, I yell “Spotto!” and then I get to choose what we spotto next.

“Spotto someone with an ice cream!”

“Spotto a seagull!”

“Spotto a yellow car!”

Yellow car spotto is how my sister and her kids play it. Instead of a revolving game of different prompts, it’s who can spotto the most yellow cars on that car trip. It is the perfect way to keep her adorable children entertained as we drive around, looking at my old neighbourhood, trying to find a parking spot, and scoping out the least busy fish and chip shop. It also is the perfect way to bring out my sister’s and my competitive side. You better believe that if we see a yellow car first we won’t ignore it and let the young children have it. Funny aunty? Sure! Aunty who will let you win games? Absolutely not. You will win if you beat me fair and square, sorry.

So naturally, after my last trip home to Australia, and numerous drives with my eyes searching for yellow cars in order to claim victory, my mind kept seeking them out after I left. I headed back south to spend more time with my grandparents and yellow cars were everywhere — the least common car colour appeared constantly. I couldn’t help myself but carry on what I was noticing (and my competitive side) that now my Dad was in on the action, too.

“Spotto!” he would yell before laughing and pointing in my face as if to say “Sucker! I beat you at your own game!” and that is when I realised not letting the kids win runs in the family and then “Spotto!” I would yell before gently shoving him in the arm to say “I am still in the game!” and we laughed. A lot. And I felt connected to my Dad in a way I hadn’t been since I was a kid, the same way I felt as we sat and did the puzzles from the newspaper every Sunday that trip, the pages pulled by my grandparents for me to get started on the spot the difference while Nan read the news. I also felt connected to my sister and her children even though there was once again hours between us.

Then I returned to Canada, my other home, and yellow cars were everywhere I went. The least common car colour again, now jumped out at me every time I left the house. And I whispered “Spotto!” and I took pictures and text them to my sister to show the kids and I claimed victory and I played every day. A city I know so well, a city full of grey and black and white and red cars now overflowing with yellow cars. I had never seen one before, I would have sworn there were next to none had you asked me, but now, on my return, they followed me, as if every other person invested in one while I was away to award me this win.

The truth is they were always there. The city always had yellow cabs, I just never took any notice. Yellow trucks and yellow school buses and yellow mopeds and even yellow cars inundated the city, I was just never looking for them. Now my mind and my eyes were ready, searching, wanting them, they were everywhere, as they had always been there, had I just stopped to look.

Just like I stopped to look for other things.

If a butterfly shows up in a mural I have walked past a thousand times, on a day I feel lost, it's easy for me to think the butterfly just got added. Some gifted artist snuck in throughout the night and added the colourful insect, making it seem as though it was a part of it all along. But they didn’t. The truth is that now I am searching for the butterfly because I need to know my Higher Power has my back, and I need that reminder of what to let go and let her take care of. When I am feeling overwhelmed, tonnes of butterflies float past my window. When I am feeling hopeless, butterflies will land on my arm or my chair or my shoulder. And yes I believe that is a visit from my Higher Power, in a way I could never explain, but butterflies always existed long before I found my connection with them and I never would have thought they were so present before.

The clay butterfly that hangs on the side of my grandparent’s house, has been there as long as they have lived there — as I found out when I asked — which is almost thirty years. I never noticed it until last year when I was feeling the dread of how my life looked at that moment. I was searching for her.

When I lived in Montreal, and felt alone (because I was) and felt depressed (because I was) and felt stuck (because I was) I had a phone call with my uncle who asked how it was all going. I told him one of the many things I missed was strangers who smiled and said hello on the street as they passed each other. I told him it wasn’t happening here at all. He asked me if I was smiling at them or just waiting for them to smile at me? So on my next, long, walk outside for sanity (this was at the time when the only reason we could leave our house was for necessities or mental health walks) I smiled and said hello to those I passed. And wouldn’t you know, they said it back. In fact, before long, people were initiating the smiles and hellos because I was looking for that and not looking for people who looked at their feet — like me.

As soon as the moon became a symbol I needed to guide me — another sign of my Higher Power — I noticed her more and more. I never paid her much attention (except for that one time I had a crush on someone obsessed with her so would take any chance I got to text them about it). Once I relied on the moon to be the constant in my life, to be the guiding force that I could depend on every day, I found myself waking up right as she positioned herself in the centre of my window, or feeling compelled to look outside right as she shone especially bright or a different shade or a marvellous shape. The moon rose every night before, obviously, but until she became my one friend during darker times, and then a constant once I got out of them, I never really paid attention to her. Now it is rare that I miss her.

it happened just this week, I suddenly felt compelled to look up, in that moment, in that exact direction and there she was.

What else was always there but appears once I start thinking about it? “Help Wanted” signs in shop windows when finances feel tight. Specific menu items once I try something new I had never heard of and fall in love with it. Books by authors I just learned about appear in bookstore windows and free neighbourhood libraries. Guests on every podcast I listened to over the course of about a month began talking about how when they got sober, it was the best decision they ever made, right as I felt my life coming to the point where I could sink or swim.

What else might appear if only I started looking? The coolest pair of flared pants in a thrift store? A coffee shop in my neighbourhood boasting the ideal latte that warms oat milk to the perfect temperature without burning it? An entirely suitable bedside table or full-length retro mirror someone discarded in the alley?

What more meaningful things could I play Spotto with? What about fellow sober pals? What about invitations for rest? What about conversations I want to have — with people I know and with strangers? What about opportunities presenting themselves to grow or learn things I have always wanted to? What about new friendships in line with who I am? What about things I can let go of? What about topics to write about? What about music to see live? What about people I can consider mentors? What about art in everyday life? What about practising patience — responding and not reacting? What about the prospects to grow my spiritual practice? What about being in the moment and not thinking myself into the future? What about a moment to listen and not speak? What about noticing the moments when my jaw is unclenched, my shoulders are relaxed and my mind isn’t spinning? What about the perfect view for writing? What about a moment to help someone who needs it or opportunities for random acts of kindness? What about someone I can learn something from? What is it about the life I want that I should be looking for?

Lovely readers, what do you want to play Spotto with, in your life?

here are three things I struggled with this week:

😵‍💫 Having to stop and notice when I get dizzy spells and when I do not. I have been getting them lately, and unless I am in a space where I can act on them they turn into panic attacks. JOY! I have been really sitting with them when they show up to unpack what is happening at that time, and some of those times are sadly surprising. It has been good to listen to my body but sometimes I want to disagree with her!

🛑 Being spoken over by men only to have them question the thing I was actively trying to give them the answer to. One of the most powerful expressions in my vocabulary these days is “as I was trying to say…” while my mind says “hello, yes, I know what I am talking about why don’t you listen for a hot sec? MERCI!”

🧳Realising how much I love being on the road. This is a blessing and a privilege, but it is also a struggle because maybe I have multiple homes and none at the same time because I am so very good at unpacking into a hotel room and feeling at ease and at home. The struggle is trying not to decipher what all that means and making big life decisions based on it (a pattern for me!!!), but rather just know that I have lots of travel already booked in my future and take it one trip at a time.

here are three blessings from this week:

📘 OKAY SO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD RELEASED HER BOOK THIS WEEK AND YOU CAN BUY IT HERE OR HERE depending on where you are located. Granny Nancy - Ireland's Oldest Lady Who Lived, Loved and Laughed for 107 Years is written by Louise Coghlan who has poured her love, grief, energy and talent into this book over the last nine months and it is now ready to be shared with us — how lucky are we? Mine has been dispatched and I cannot wait to read it!

🎉 OKAY SO MY YOUNGER SISTER LANDED HER DREAM JOB! I am not at all surprised because she is such a badass but I haven’t happy cried like that in I don’t know how long. She is the first person in our family to go to university — and she did it all on her own — working her ass off to pay for it all while studying to be the best of the best. She landed the exact job she wanted straight out of placement because OF COURSE SHE DID because why would they want anyone else when she is available? She truly and utterly deserves it and earned it with every fiber of her being. She has worked so, so hard for it more than I could ever comprehend but in a way I will never stop admiring. I couldn’t be more thrilled to know such a wonderful human.

💍 OKAY SO MY COOLER YOUNGER COUSIN* GOT ENGAGED! ARGH! I AM SO HAPPY I COULD BURST! Two wonderful humans in love and joyful and ready to take that joy with them into the rest of their lives. DREAMIEST OF DREAMY! Congratulations to one of my favourite people in the world on finding your favourite person. I am so happy for you both.

*if you’re new here now my cooler younger cousin is a constant character in these journals and she is awesome.

here are three goals for the coming week:

⌛ Oh hi! This is me yet again setting the goal of staying in the here and now and not running off with my thoughts into the unknown future. In particular, working on the bad habit of playing out of worst-case scenarios that are actually not likely to happen as well as having arguments with someone — a conversation that exists entirely in my head.

🧹 The day this lands in your mail, is the day I am in Salem fulfilling childhood Lauren’s every dream. The goal will be to go with the flow, let the day take its route that it is going to take regardless of how I try and force it, and know that there will be so many tourists I might have to pivot and that’s okay because a real witch can keep her cool and own her day regardless of what comes her way.

✨ Thanks to the very powerful advice from a dear pal, the last goal is to remember to ask myself before saying yes to something: “Does this feel fun? If I picture myself there am I happy?” This has been such a powerful tool for me to recognise where I am saying yes out of guilt or obligation or people-pleasing. I have not (of course) yet perfected it, but knowing this is an option gives me a moment to pause and think before my usual “Yes, of course!” and agreeing for reasons other than my own.

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

🌈 HAVE YOU SUBSCRIBED (FOR FREE!) TO MY OTHER SUBSTACK YET? 🌈

Queer joy awaits!

I am slowly re-releasing old MDSML episodes (which has been so fun, I am so proud of the journey this pod has been on and so grateful for the trust of my guests). Currently, they are dropping twice a week and once I am caught up you can expect one cute mail to your inbox every Tuesday with links to the latest release of my podcast, some BTS pics, some cute queer happy content, show notes and what I am hoping will also include transcripts from the episodes, too!

CLICK HERE! CLICK HERE! CLICK HERE!

one more note from me:

Mental illness can be debilitating and can have a devastating impact on not only those living with it but those around them. This October, I’m again taking part in One Foot Forward, showing people living with mental illness that they are not alone.

I'm walking to raise funds for the Black Dog Institute to support crucial mental health research and support services to help Australians impacted by mental illness and suicide.

If you’re able, you can donate here or even just track my progress as I log my steps!

pics or it didn’t happen:

by next week I will have fun spooky salem and boston content from my weekend it will be so hard to JUST PICK ONE photo to share. but for this week, please enjoy my day 1 look of my work trip that earned me high praise from strangers. I like to call this look: lesbian rock and roll loving art teacher goes to a tech conference. I turned heads.

I love you,

LD

xoxo