volume sixty

i have fallen in love

hi, lauren deborah! is free for subscribers every week.

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This week I was away on Vancouver Island housesitting, and on what I had made a self-imposed writing retreat. There was work I had to get done while here, as I finished up a stressful contract and made some moves on the next sources of income. However, at the core of this trip, there was to be me, my words, and Opaline the cat. When I was asked back on this housesit, as I have been here before, I didn’t realise at the time that it would coincide with my first big writing deadline. I have deadlines every week with my job when I have to submit articles and such by their due date, but this was bigger. This is a collaborative project with someone well established as a writer and she has taken me on board with her and we have been talking about this for over a year. Talking, planning, writing, re-writing. It launches very soon and this week became dedicated to making sure I had everything I needed to be done completed for this project.

ferry ride views

Also, it became dedicated to me writing a new comedy set for a show I have been booked for this week. I crafted my first ten-minute set and recited it flawlessly to myself on my walk to dinner. Success.

Also, it became a week to put some words in the book. Due to work being so hectic I had just kept putting it off. It was suggested I commit to one sentence a day. So I did. Some days that meant one sentence, other days that meant several. I now have the first chapter of my book taking shape.

Also, it became a week of drawing in my new sketchbook. I drew some things that have lived only as ideas written down for over a year, and I cannot wait to turn them into fun prints.

Also, I ate an entire bag of mini donuts in three days in what I like to call procrasti-snacking. 

Also, I napped almost every day to try and calm my brain.

Also, I drank all of the coffee.

Also, I was kept up until 2am by the cat on one occasion when she never came home and completely and utterly terrified me that the worst had happened. She was fine. I have never been more relieved and annoyed to see a cat at the window at 2am.

Also, the cat curled on my lap many times demanding I stop typing.

Also, I watered giant veggie garden and balcony plants every morning, often without checking the weather. One day it rained thirty minutes later.

Also, I read some more of my book.

Also, I took a notebook with me to dinner the one night I went out, and wrote instead of scrolling my phone. It should be noted that I had dinner at a Queer restaurant and that felt like a huge thing for me to go there, solo — as if I belong — because I do. Then when the cab driver asked me where I ate, I pretended I forgot the name of it out of fear.

Also, when the young boy serving me ice cream asked me what I do and I told him I was a writer, he asked what I write and I fumbled my answer. I spent the walk eating my ice cream, crafting the answer for next time and patted myself on the back for calling myself a writer because I am.

Also, I enjoyed watching wild bunnies in the neighbour’s yard, the tall trees, the sunsets and sunrises, walks on the waterfront, sitting on the balcony avoiding bee stings in exchange for sunshine and early (early) morning grocery runs because the stores wake when I do here. Unlike the mainland where I have to wait for 9am which when you wake when I do, feels like the day is half done.

As a continuation of my thought last week — that I am the love of my fucking life and I have created the life of my dreams — I was exactly that this week. I write so much in these volumes about finding balance and this week felt like I did. I moved my body multiple times a day, I balanced work and pleasure, I took in nature and I slowed my pace when I could. This week felt like I was working on so many things that I wanted to be working on, while not sacrificing the ones that pay my rent. One day they will be one and the same perhaps, and in some ways they already are.

So back to the big writing deadline. My first. One so big I put an auto-reply on my email that I was not to be disturbed. One so big I blocked off my calendar for the week of all unnecessary meetings. One so big it consumed so much time and brain space that only sparked me to make that roll on to everything else I worked on creatively this week. One that I never could have imagined being my life two years ago. A year ago.

Before beginning my love affair with writing — my long-lost love who I had neglected since my adolescent years — I was a workaholic. I loved my jobs (so much that that is all I managed to love and everything that came with it) that I moved through in the natural progression of my career and I loved devoting my time to making magic happen for others. I still do thrive on seeing magic happen for others, I love seeing friends succeed, I love seeing their dreams come true, and most of all I love to see them prioritise their dreams and passions over everything else. I longed to have something I cared about that much.

As I wrote in a text this week to some of my writing community, “who knew a comedy club manager who spent all her time helping others pursue their dreams, could chase some of her own? I owe you everything.” I spent so much time around so many talented people I never stopped to wonder not if I was talented but if was I daring to find out. Was there something that creatively called to my soul that I was willing to pursue? All it took was a global pandemic for me to say yes once everything else forcibly became a no. Now I am living out a dream life I never knew I had. 

I write every day. I am drawing again. I am writing stand-up often and am getting back on stage. I travel multiple times a month. I spend so much time with animals. I have time to give back to communities I care about in the form of volunteering. I host a podcast I am so proud of and so grateful for. I have genuine time for friends. I make income from writing in a way I never knew was possible. I have better boundaries and continually work on my balance.

The truth is I haven’t loved the volumes I have brought you of late. They have felt self-serving, braggy, less like an overshare and more like an overkill of accomplishments and happiness. The anxiety of happiness is overwhelming, it, unfortunately, makes me feel like I am writing rubbish as my best writing tends to pour out in times of distress and grief — or so I tell myself. I was kindly reminded this week that happiness is allowed. I do not have to be sad to write to you, in fact, I was also told to overshare the wins as much as I overshare the rest. My pleasure is allowed, as is yours. If anything, I hope that this volume inspires you to sit with your happiness, enjoy it, and maybe even share it around.

I am eternally grateful for my sobriety, my readers, the gift of early mornings, my writing community and my dear friends, who alongside me, make this life possible.

Let me know in the comments, where are you pursuing your dream life? Making five minutes for it a day if that is all you can spare right now is making it happen. I would love to hear about your happiness.

here are three things I struggled with this week:

💭 Not being in the moment. I often lost myself in shame of myself or anger for someone in the past or spent time worrying about or planning for the future. It happens more when I am alone and is expected, of course. But I need to remind myself that only this moment is guaranteed, so this is the only place I should be.

🥗 Realising how I eat better when on housesits, I gather healthier and more nutritious ingredients and eat fresh food rather than a peanut butter sandwich on the go multiple times a day on account of being too busy. Except I am busy on housesits usually, too. So what is the difference and how can I balance delicious peanut butter sandwiches in moderation with my fruit and vegetable nutritional value? This is the plan moving forward.

✉️ Waiting for the email. Waiting for the email. Refreshing my email. Checking my spam folder. Refreshing my email. Setting boundaries with my email. Ignoring the boundaries I set with my email.

here are three blessings from this week:

🚶🏽‍♀️ The realisation of what I subconsciously do (or don’t do) when I have a great day, or night, or spend time in wonderful company — I don’t want to go inside. I will walk home instead of catching the bus or getting a cab, even if it takes me an hour. I will take the long way, or take new streets to add to my night the excitement of discovering new places and things. I will sit outside when I get home. All to make the day last longer.

🐈‍⬛ When she felt like it, getting cat cuddles this week was the best. (when she felt like it, she also stayed out until 2am keeping me awake with worry but let’s focus on the good)

🖊️ I achieved the writing goals I set for this week away! I completed a few exciting deadlines, I wrapped up a contract, I began an article I have been asked to write and I added more and more words to my book. It was a good week for writing.

here are three goals for the coming week:

🎤 Book another comedy show, and try and make them regular until I leave for Australia.

🎧 Start booking the guests for season four of my podcast! (with some exciting changes happening this season, too!)

🖍️ Draw some more. It was so lovely to bring my sketchbook to the island and see some of the ideas that have lived in my head for so long come to life. I am excited to share some prints with you all one day soon.

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

MY FRIEND NESSA IS SO TALENTED AND FOLLOWING HER DREAMS! I am enjoying seeing my friend succeed, through her hard work and talent, and am so proud of her for going for it! What an inspiration!

In her words:

Hey, I'm Nessa, and I make films about conformists who become unafraid to rebel against societal expectations. I'm raising £15,000 to embark on a new adventure in Los Angeles, where I want to be an active part of the conversation about changing the toxic culture in the Film and TV industry.

Read more and donate here!

pics or it didn’t happen:

opaline and i watch seinfeld. she is now a big elaine fan.

I love you,

LD

xoxo