volume seventy-three

bought you a new dish brush

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The nightmare still fresh in my mind that I am processing is interrupted by the soft beep of my alarm. 

5am. Already awake. My jetlag wins again and I roll with it. The early mornings are preferred anyway. I flip the ballet-pink nylon duvet — that is barely covering me at this point — off me with the enthusiasm that comes from being in a warm climate again. The ocean breeze flows through the fly screen of the window and the grey blinds clack with its force. The day is too young for the traffic to drown out the sound of the waves crashing in the distance. Yet.

I grab my towel and slide the wooden door as softly as I can, an impossible task. The attempt void right as I kick my toe exiting the room, making a loud bang followed by a whispered: “Oh. shoot!”.

A room built with little privacy, little space amongst my grandmothers' things and little chance of emerging unheard. I sneak into the bathroom, the tub not used in years, instead, we use the shower. But it’s still lined with the fading yellow grip stickers in the shape of whales. Put there to stop us from falling over as we got in and out as children, but ultimately there to entertain us, too.

Face washed, I slither back into the bedroom for my pocket of solitude before the day with others begins. My pink suitcase glides along the fluffy biege carpet to flesh with the grey closet. I have successfully cleared a patch at the foot of the bed just big enough to imagine there was a yoga mat there. Connecting my wireless headphones, I breathe in the morning and breathe out my troubles with Adriene, or Brandon, or Dionne, or Sarah-Beth, or Jake or Kassandra. I stretch out my kinks from travel and stress and poor posture and being human. Then I sit with Jeff. My mind wanders, Jeff brings me back. It wanders again. Jeff brings me back.

It wanders to my to-do list for the day — planning the schedule to get it done in the small window of grandparent outings that leaves me with spare time.

My mind wanders to later on when I will be soaking up the sun and sinking my nose into a book.

My mind wanders to think about the paperwork Nan and I need to do to sort carers for Pop.

My mind wanders to the fact that my Dad asked to switch me to his emergency contact because he doesn’t feel his parents can be it anymore.

My mind wanders to think who is my emergency contact and does it even make sense anymore given I am in another country completely?

My mind wanders to the circle-shaped sunburn on my right knee from wearing ripped jeans during my afternoon reading session yesterday.

My mind wanders to scotch finger biscuits in the container on the bench, ready for picking whenever I please.

My mind wanders to Poppy attempting to sweep the gutters yesterday, on the main road, with huge amounts of fast oncoming traffic, and me having to lie and tell him a truck is coming tomorrow to do it so he needn’t bother.

My mind wanders to the air fryer I have picked out for a holiday gift so that Nan’s reheating of pizzas and leftovers most nights can become even easier.

My mind wanders to the shower doors that are only clean to a certain point up and down because reaching or bending has become impossible for her, and I add cleaning the bathroom while they are out to my to-do list.

My mind wanders foolishly, for a moment, to the scene in He’s Just Not That Into You, when Jennifer Aniston walks into the kitchen to see Ben Affleck washing the dishes. If you know, you know.

My mind wanders to Pop walking around the house with his face shaver for an hour a day, shaving so high up his hairline is uneven, but we let him go because it keeps him out of trouble.

My mind wanders to Nan who hides in her room when he gets mad.

My mind wanders to me sensing he was getting mad yesterday then jumping in to change the conversation, to hear him out and pivot.

My mind wanders to Nan in the other room totally unaware she missed that one, and all the ones she didn't miss before.

My mind wanders to Dolly Parton, and her long nails that never stopped her from working hard despite Nan’s comments on my nails that must mean exactly that — I mustn’t work very hard.

My mind wanders to next week when Nan has already reserved me a seat in her monthly lunch with the golf girls — “You booked for twenty? You better make it twenty-one, I’m bringing my granddaughter” and I smile that I get included in this special outing.

My mind wanders to my shoulders, still hunched, still tense, still working on finding a spot in the house I can work with some kind of kind posture — and it wanders to potential coffee shops I could try instead.

My mind wanders to the book I read this week, which was perfectly timed to remind me of the importance of grandparents, how special they are, and the importance of finding joy in every day, even when it is tough.

My mind wanders to my handful of favourite friends in Vancouver, to each one of their faces, and I wonder what they are up to, and I think about chatting with them in the kitchen for hours or grabbing an overpriced coffee in a cafe or going for a chilly yet sunny walk.

My mind wanders to the morning birds chirping out my window and I think about how much I missed the sound of them. 

My mind wanders and Jeff brings me back and tells me to open my eyes. I make my way out to the kitchen and switch on the kettle.

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Last week, reader GenderMeowster wanted to see a selfie in *the* hat from volume 72. Here you go!

have you got an idea for a future volume? want to hear my thoughts on something? feel I am not sharing enough? ask me a question and I will answer it in a future post.

here are three things I struggled with this week:

🕰️ 1:27pm feels like 5:02pm. Here — home — the days are spent as they have always been despite all of us changing so much.

📖 A sober person in a family of drinkers — some socially, some more than that, none sober — is tough. It’s not as easy as just not drinking when everyone else sits down for one. There is an awkwardness, a feeling of being lost. I realise that my family revolves so much of what they do around drinks, whether a “cheeky” one in the sun after a walk or more than a few at night and everything in between. I’d rather be reading or writing. There was a time I was the happy participator. I am onto my second book since getting here and it’s been a week.

🛒 Realising I have been spoiled by the politeness of Canadian strangers for a few years, and that cars will not give way to pedestrians, shoppers won’t move to one side of the aisle, and people won’t say thank you when you let them pass. Judging by my one outing, anyway.

here are three blessings from this week:

⛈️ Afternoon summer storms that roll in unexpectedly, making me race to the clothesline to grab everything before it gets soaked then sitting undercover and enjoying the show.

🐚 The sound of the ocean close by.

🍨 Treats being offered every time I sit still for too long. “Want a biscuit?” “Want some chocolate?” “Want some ice cream?”

here are three goals for the coming week:

☁️ Stop planning so much, because that’s a quick way to be thrown off course. Live one day at a time. Nan and Pop rule now, whether they know it or not.

🌊 Get in the ocean. Even if it is too cold and it is just my toes for now. Let the salt water work its magic.

📺Continue to entertain myself during the hours my grandparents watch the news and avoid it at all costs.

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

My COOLER YOUNGER COUSIN that I write about a lot in these letters is cool for many reasons. One of them just happens to be her green thumb and plant passion that she has turned into a small business. I would love it if you gave her a follow and supported her work. Whether you are somewhere you can buy her indoor plants, her gorgeous roses or her intricate terrariums or not, you will LOVE the reels she posts and think “I am so so so in awe of your patience and skills. Can I be you?”. You can’t. There is only one her.

the.shady.tree

A post shared by The Shady Tree (@the.shady.tree)

pics or it didn’t happen:

snapped this cute pic of nan taking a moment to tend to her garden in the sun (fuzzy on account of being taken through the fly screen)

I love you. I’m so grateful to those who read my substack 🧡 because I really love writing it to you,

LD

xoxo