volume seventy-five

what time is it? where am i?

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Hi pals, this week I am answering another reader request. Audrey wants my take on time zones.

First of all Audrey, after close to a decade of moving around the globe and different time zones, I still need my iPhone to figure out what time it is and where. Secondly, I decided to share my hot takes in a listicle because they’re fun to write and fun to read (I hope). Thirdly, I am home in Australia gearing up for stretching my budget and my sleep to see everyone for the silly season and this may have heavily affected this volume. Sorry-not-sorry for the sass. Thanks for this challenge, Audrey!

If YOU have an idea for a future volume, want to hear my thoughts on something or feel I am not sharing enough as a chronic oversharer, you can ask me a question and I will answer it in a future post.

1. “Lauren, can you call us at 7am here?” which is actually the following day in Canada and whatever time that is, and oh yeah, you might have figured it out but we are in daylight savings time now. Never fear, I will just change the time to Sydney when adding it to my phone’s calendar and save my would-be-used-for-math energy for snacking. Thank goodness for technology.

2. Most of my family text me the day before my birthday every year which really could be determined as sweet but I think it is (gasp) lazy. “Happy Australian birthday, Lauren!”. Look, I have the decency to celebrate your birthday in your time zone, could you offer the same consideration? It’s as easy as setting a reminder, trust me.

3. You know when you send a vulnerable text, maybe feeling a little sentimental, maybe feeling a little lonely, maybe feeling a little horny even? Then you have to wait and see if they reply, and if they do, will it be the reply you want? Well, when you’re visiting Australia and send this text at a late hour for the person who is getting it, you get to sit in the agony of “Have they just not read it yet because they are sleeping or have they not replied because they don’t want to?” FUN!

4. “Hello from the future” never gets old. At least not to me.

5. Jetlag is a blessing or a curse, depending on what way you travel.

6. Jetlag is also a perfect excuse if you just don’t want to do something.

7. Navigating different time zones can mean you make plans to zoom and then regret offering the time at which you’d rather be sleeping, just to cater to the other person more than yourself because you are a chronic people-pleaser. At this point, how about we find a time that is shitty for both of us instead? Seems fair. 

8. Time zones mean season “zones” and I can never be cold again if I want to jump between them methodically. Until I miss the snow, then I can dip in and say hi.

9. You can avoid unsolicited FaceTime calls by simply saying “It’s not a good time for me” and assuming they’re never going to actually look it up. If they do, it is none of your business.

10. A three-hour time zone change will fuck up your sleep, appetite, bowel movements and mood more than a nineteen-hour time zone change will.

11. “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” means one thing to most. As a sober person, I can get on board in my own way. 5 o’clock is the time I start to crave sugar, so if I ever say “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” I am about to raid Poppy’s biscuit stash, or my roommate’s snack corner, or head to a bakery for a donut.

12. I never know whether to say good morning or good afternoon when greeting my pals across the globe. Do I cater to you or me?

13. When someone says “The moon looks so good tonight, wait until you see it!” and then your sky is covered in clouds, it sucks. I have been on both ends of this. We need to stop.

14. I have friends in more time zones than I ever would have imagined having friends, so it can be challenging for me to navigate my texts. I opt to ignore most of my texts for as long as possible instead and blame time zones. “Whenever I got the time to text you back, it was the middle of the night for you so I didn’t want to wake you”.

15. When I visit Australia, no one assigns me work or emails me on Mondays because it is Sunday where all my clients live. All Mondays should be like this.

What are your time zone hot takes?

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

😴 I want a nap.

💌 Ignoring my self-imposed email boundaries.

🙃 Having arguments in my head with people that are not even here about conversations that haven’t even happened.

here are three blessings from this week:

🎴 Tarot.

✏️ Writing.

👯 My Cooler Younger Cousin, Christmas movies and caramel slice.

here are three goals for the coming week:

😇 Find solitude where I can.

🐸 Watch The Muppets Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve (it’s my tradition) and pause when there should be a dramatic breakup song — which for some reason has been cut on all present-day versions — switch to YouTube, watch said scene, cry, a lot, then resume the film.

🧼 Clean my laptop. The right light caught it and I am appalled.

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

I love

The G Spot

which is

Gigi Engle

's substack. Long before substack was substack, she was the first newsletter I ever subscribed to (it existed on another platform).

This Q&A got me. As someone who long used “liquid courage” as a way to feel comfortable in my body, I am now comfortable in my body and my sexuality, just by existing. And honestly, I am in love with myself and sex more than ever. What an unexpected, welcome thrill.

pics or it didn’t happen:

one final little treat before I dig my toes in my dairy-free ways again because my body is literally begging me to. I give you: cheesymite scroll.

I love you. I’m so grateful to those who read my substack 🧡 because I really love writing it to you. Happy holidays my friends and happy Festivus to the rest of us!

LD

xoxo