volume one hundred and twenty-six

lockdown diaries (part 11)

📍Written with the only distraction being opening and closing the window several times as it was very hot and then summer storms hit, then passed, and it got very hot again and then another storm... Welcome to Australian summer on The Central Coast.

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✏️ This is part eleven (my lucky number) of my lockdown journals. You can read part one here, two here, three here, four here, five here, six here, seven here, eight here, nine here and ten here if you’re curious about the fall to the bottom and climb back up of yours truly.

2021

August 30th: Googling rentals in [where Nan and Pop live] to go and live near Gordy and Moo. Homesick today. Homesick for Gordy and Moo’s place — home.*

*I still could not legally leave the country but ten points for trying.

September 6th: All the fingers and toes crossed for the lovely studio loft* I viewed today. All of the stars and signs aligned. If anything — one thing — is clear, it is that less is more in my life.**

*Yes, I am the kind of person that will move three times in a year trying to fix things, and it happened often until I lent into it with my Digital Nomad lifestyle which came not too long after these pages. Plus, like the last time, I was about to save another $500 a month on rent which is what you want when you are about to quit your job with no new employment to go to. Radical, scary, perhaps irrational leaps of faith were being taken. Not to mention the previous entry was about going to Australia. It was a confusing, dark and in limbo time.

**And less and less was yet to come.

September 7th: I love the excitement of moving and scaling back. Ridding myself of the excess and starting fresh. Making room for so many non-materialistic things by stripping the weight of the materialistic ones. Let’s do this — saving money, creating a sanctuary, stripping down, and living that “ready at any moment to be a nomad” life. I am creating the life I know I want.

and as proof of that scaling back, i no longer own the dress in this photo taken around this time — a good friend rocks it on a regular basis. i also no longer need to steal pockets of sun in this way or post selfies to social media to prove i am still here. i am here.

September 11th: Each day I feel closer to having the life of spontaneity, balance, and ease of those I admired for so long. I have room to grow, I have room to listen and learn and am so glad to be living a balanced life more and more.

September 12th: Are you kidding me? LIVE FUCKING MUSIC!? Ahhhh — outdoor music festival BLISS! Dancing, singing, laughing. Thank you to modern medicine and science for making this possible.*

*Back in the wild and uncertain days when entry meant vaccinated folks only.

THIS IS THE OUTFIT THEY CHOSE FOR THE FIRST BIG OUTTING IN FOREVER <3

September 13th: All the signs point to less is more and creating and LIVING the life I desire. A life of the most simple and pure delights, the things that feed my romantic, creative, loving soul. A life of the simplest pleasures and an abundance of good people in my sphere. It feels so good to finally know what it is I want to chase in life, and finding out I don't need to chase it at all. It’s all here for me.

September 19th: 5 months sober yesterday. I’m so happy I chose happiness.

September 23rd: Am I manic? What is up? I need to get some stability but also I thrive on change. The next chapter is the right one. Less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more, less is more.

September 27th: My Higher Power has a plan. I tried to force my way out of Montreal and she kept me on her path anyway. She knows best.

October 4th: I will never take hugs for granted again.

October 5th: I fell asleep on my couch watching TV for the last time.*

*I sold the couch to downsize. Also, I can read this and know I actually fell asleep as opposed to the many “fell asleep” entries that were before sobriety and were me passing out. I was exhausted from packing and moving and that was all. Love that for me.

October 8th: I am ready.

October 13th: I said goodbye to Ave Des Erables today. I am more than ready to move but I also couldn’t be more grateful for all the magic that happened in those walls:

• [the cat in my care] watching TV with [friend] is one of the earliest memories in that home

• Back balcony sunshine

• Dead of Winter podcasting

• Sobriety

• I started writing and launched my substack

So much was born there that I’m grateful for and that is a huge part of me today. I’ll remember laughter and chance run-ins with neighbours on the stairs.*

*and the delicious homemade baked treats often left in my mailbox

October 14th: Well, I told my co-workers today that I am leaving. I guess I was so busy thinking about how I was feeling I didn’t stop to think about how others might feel hearing the news. [one co-worker/friend] cried. That kicks me in the gut. They all wished me well and sent messages of love and understanding.

Lovely reader, head into the comments and tell me about a leap of faith.

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

💔 Saying goodbye to Poppy on Christmas Day as we left the nursing home to head back to the house. Dementia is cruel, cruel, cruel. Poppy’s cuddles are the best, best, best.

🙃 No matter how many times, in however many ways I say the same behaviour upsets me, I have to accept that this is not worth losing my serenity. I no longer want to keep giving it time, space and energy. They choose not to listen, not to hear me and they are not going to change. I can.

🦄 Knowing the choices I made to prioritise writing time, alone time, reflection time, walk time and recovery time over the holidays were made for a reason. Releasing guilt and any reaction to the feedback of others about this choice was a struggle, but we made it.

here are three blessings from this week:

🍦 Catching up with an old friend in a new country.

🌊 Walking to look at the ocean while talking to special people on the phone.

🛏️ Letting my head hit the pillow each night with no regrets.

here are three goals for the coming week:

⛄ Instead of snow, I’m going to “let it go, let it go, let it go”.

👋 Instead of wondering why they don’t want to know me better, or who I really am, I am going to show them who I really am. Little by little.

🐦‍⬛ Bird by bird.

pics or it didn’t happen:

childhood nostalgia: dad took me to the carnival. the corn looked bigger, the rides looked smaller, the moon said hi.

I love you. Now I am off to see in the New Year in my style.

🧡, LD (lauren deborah | she/they)