volume one hundred and twenty-nine

so lauren, what do you do?

📍Sent from Kabi Kabi and Jinibara land (otherwise known as The Sunshine Coast) while the squeals of joy coming from my baby nephew trickle out the window to where I am sitting.

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On a recent trip to The Maitland Art Gallery with my Cooler Younger Cousin, we enjoyed Noel Mckenna’s exhibition, Sleep My Horse.

“This is a contemplation of things that have come about, or have not come about or what may come about or what may never come about” – Noel McKenna.

I loved so much about being in this space, from the box he kept his lollies as a child, to the baby teeth in a jar, to the scribbled notes, photographs, random knick-knacks, illustrations and ornaments, that were all brought together to feel as though we stepped into Noel’s very own space. We were immersed in his world, stepping out of a gallery and into a room where he feels most at home. At least that’s how it felt being there.

Two things, in particular, stood out to me. One of them inspired this week’s volume.

• The corner, smaller version of a well-known (maybe the most well-known) fast food establishment — branded as “Express” — that is now a sushi spot

• Upstairs from that was an old building that smelled of popcorn. The staff used to get their lunch from me and when they were hiring, they asked if I would apply. I ate free popcorn, took home posters and saw the end of every movie for two years until my BFF and I turned eighteen and they stopped putting us on the roster (because they would have to pay us more)

• I planted trees, I killed weeds to help native trees grow, I built pergolas and chicken coops, I napped in the work van from site to site

• I moved to the city and for just three days I was that person that stopped you in the street to ask you to support a cause. I worked on commission — they all do — if you want to know where most of your donation goes

• I was in charge of the closing shift where I was forced to wear heels on Friday and Saturday nights in order to make people want to buy them on their nights out. They never did, just like that employer never paid their taxes. Both caught up with us

• Across the walkway of that mall was my smoking buddy who I had met hundreds of times out the back — along with the woman from the shop next to her and the chef who would bring the new desserts he was trying out for us to be the guinea pig. The desserts paired perfectly with Peter Jackson Gold cigarettes — who hired me to sell clothes to men. This job required a lot of flirting and I was not good at it

• I learned how to bartend, waitress, how to carry three plates, that red wine doesn’t belong in the fridge and that you can get drunk three times as fast on a boat than you can on land: something that I had to keep in mind for those I was serving and for my own personal intake on shift

• I moved back home and I learned how to pour a beer and everyone came to my house after work to drink beer. This was the first time I was some people’s boss

• I worked with my BFF again, this time she was back of house while I was front of house and that was less fun than being together all the time. We ate a lot of mustard on bread

• Another store that sold heels, more reputable, with handbags too. I, unfortunately, borrowed change from the register to pay for my bus home when I was tight. I always paid it back and also always had money to get drunk enough to be hungover puking in the bin out back while getting customer’s sizes from the stock room, returning with watery eyes and few words

• On the move again, I served buffet breakfasts, then hosted 5-star celebrity chef dinners, then greeted people at check-in for their stay before being offered an elite training program. Until I deleted my account, a co-worker who stopped talking to me when I was promoted was still lurking my LinkedIn almost a decade later. She had gotten an even better promotion but that didn’t matter (to her)

• During a brief renovation period of the above, when shifts were tight and I worked elsewhere to pay rent, I was being watched on camera to ensure I didn’t pocket my tips. Instead, I was giving them to the owner to pocket, yet somehow he never managed to see on camera when I was busy with a table, as he rang the bell over and over. DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!

• The elite training program paid off, landing me my first Canadian source of income. I was the first (“and only!”) Australian my New Zealander boss would ever hire because my “resume was too good to ignore”. I was soon promoted to running a dimly lit room where people paid to have other people make them laugh

• Shifts were scarce, so I schmoozed American cruise ship tourists for a summer and had their tips pay for my travels

• Across the country, I was in another dimly lit room, now full-time, where people paid (more money) to have other people make them laugh and until I changed my mind, I knew I would be there forever

• People could laugh from the comfort of their own homes or into the void that is their smartphones by using their eyes and/or ears to consume what we created

• I MADE IT! I had my dream job. I didn’t like it at all

• A series of “Is this for me or am I trying to pay rent?” (trying to pay rent is totally okay, by the way)

• Balance. Excited to show up. Grateful. Purpose. Aligned. Yes

The other thing I really loved at this exhibition?

Lovely reader, head into the comments and tell me the names of the cats you have known.

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

🎤 I don’t want it to be a month between my comedy shows.

🏳️ What am I willing to give up in order to have the life I keep pretending I want? (Yes, this quote still always helps.)

💦 Trying to cross my legs and they slip off each other with sweat. Will take this over “rash on body because too cold in Canada” always.

here are three blessings from this week:

🤣 I don’t want it to be a month between my comedy shows.

💗 My sisters.

📖 Losing sleep over a good book.

here are three goals for the coming week:

📅 I don’t want it to be a month between my comedy shows.

🌙 Trust my intuition. Follow the signs.

🪑 Tell myself the truth.

pics or it didn’t happen:

aunty loz

I love you. Now I am off to prepare for my week in a rural town known for its magic vibrancy, stunning mother nature, divine markets and picturesque main street. 

🧡, LD (lauren deborah | she/they)