volume one hundred and twenty-four

lockdown diaries (part 10)

📍Sent while watching one of my last Perth sunrises, for now. Not only did I revisit 2021 in this volume, but also 2009 with this soundtrack playing while I wrote it.

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🎤 Upcoming Shows:

• The Traffic Light Game at The Leederville Comedy Club, Perth - December 14th

• Funny Coast Comedy at Solbar, Maroochydore - January 16th

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✏️ This is part ten (woah) of my lockdown journals. You can read part one here, two here, three here, four here, five here, six here, seven here, eight here and nine here.

2021

July 10th: How fucking BLESSED am I to be double-vaccinated? Grateful.

July 13th: Breathe. One month from now you’ll have five days off in a row. Where will you go? Will you have a staycation? What will you do? How will you rest, reset, recharge, reevaluate? You’ve got this.

July 16th: I felt like a real human: dinner, comedy show, late-night pizza.

I got emotional as the lights dimmed right before the show. My heart ached. It’s been sixteen months and three days since my last comedy show, I’ve missed you, old friend.*

*The perfect reminder to never take this old friend for granted.

July 18th: 3 months sober today! How much you have achieved and how much you have grown!

July 19th: You are allowed to change your mind.

July 21st: I am in love with my life.* It is not perfect and there is loads I intend to change but I’m in love with the idea of always growing and evolving. I’m grateful that I get to do so with so many chosen loved ones by my side.

*Sobriety played the biggest part in getting out of depression but the entries from summer vs winter are not lost on me, which is why I live endless summers now, thank you and spoiler alert.

July 24th: I am a writer. I write. It might not be groundbreaking or changing lives but I do it for me and I love it.

July 25th: I am a writer. I write. I create worlds and express feelings with words and I put it all out there on the page. I am a writer. I am a writer because I show up and write.*

*July 21st is the earliest entry of my substack. Here we go, making it happen, convincing myself maybe, but making it happen.

July 26th: Six years ago today, I arrived — innocent* and immature — in Canada. Oh, how I’ve grown and become my higher self more every day. I’m proud of you Lauren. So proud of you.

Today also marks 100 days sober. Wow. What a victory. I hope you never stop feeling the lust for life you feel now you’re open to being amazed.**

Also six years ago, the day you arrived, you got your period. Today you got your period. Coincidence? No. You’ve become a whole new you but still the same, grown version of you.

*Naive might have been a better word to use.

**As of right now, I am eternally grateful to say that I have not stopped being open to being amazed. Every. Single. Day.

August 1st: What a high to be around pals — old and new. There is so much to love about the comedy world. I’m so glad I’m a part of it. Now to carve my own way in it!

August 7th: LIVE MUSIC! Solo!* In a new part of town! In a new-to-me small and intimate venue! It was such a delight to talk to strangers and share the intimacy of music and movement and emotion and joy. 

*A solo date, sober. Something I previously would have avoided if ever suggested. I would have rathered to stay in solo. However, in this state, at this time, and ever since, it felt like the only sensible option to give myself this on a regular basis.

August 15th: I was back in my happy place today and celebrated Pride. I was triggered by alcohol this weekend surrounding Pride things for the first time since getting sober. I wanted a drink because I was associating the need for a drink with my comfort with my sexuality. Not anymore. I thankfully realised that due to all the work I’ve done, I no longer need to associate the two. I am comfy enough in who I am.*

*I am enough just as I am and do not need booze to numb any feelings of not belonging, because I know now, I belong.

August 18th: Four precious and wonderful months sober today. There’s no way I could have known that my life would change so dramatically for the better but wow has it ever! I’m so much more in tune and in touch. I’m thriving.

August 21st: When I see the planes fly over, especially at night, I am transported to a seat on them. I’m mid-plane, feeling it in my tummy that we are going up. I’m headed somewhere and that’s so exciting. I cannot wait to be on a plane for an adventure again. I miss the lack of sleep, tired eyes, sweaty clothes, and crusty mouth of travel. It’s all worth it.

Lovely reader, what was one source of happiness for you today?

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

🔨 Learning things the hard way. 

🫠 Self-sabotage.

🪿 My reaction to certain events unfolding was not what I expected, and not in a positive way. Off to unpack why that is, yay!

here are three blessings from this week:

💛 When asked, I was gifted with wise and beyond generous advice from my sister.

🥟 Snacking my way through the Fremantle markets.

🪶 Learning that the kookaburra is Jane Fonda’s favourite bird. What a delightful bit of knowledge to hold because she is one hundred per cent correct, as usual.

here are three goals for the coming week:

🧲 Stay connected with community while spending the holidays with family. That’s my writing community, the comedy community, the queer community — the three that I miss so much when I do not feel them part of my every day — and do not feel myself when I am disconnected from them.

🍦 Get myself one last vegan sticky date pudding ice cream, until next time!

🎇 Apply the “Does this light me up? Yes or no?” question and let anything else fall away as a potential driver to moving forward or not.

pics or it didn’t happen:

pepper <3

I love you. Now I am off to a final market here in Perth, for now, snacking my way from one end to the other.

🧡, LD (lauren deborah | she/they)