volume one hundred and twenty-eight
lockdown diaries (part 12)
📍Sent from Kabi Kabi and Jinibara lands (otherwise known as The Sunshine Coast) with grey skies and increasing humidity teasing rain, as the morning birds chirp their different songs from the powerlines above.
✏️ This is part twelve of my lockdown journals, which is the final chapter of this series. You can read part one here, two here, three here, four here, five here, six here, seven here, eight here, nine here, ten here, and eleven here.
2021
October 17th: Sometimes my sobriety is lonely.* Is it my sobriety? My being here without an immediate friend or two? Why am I relying on others to make my fun for me? Of course, that’s always nice but I aim to make my own fun. I will aim to make myself busy in leisure, fun, excitement and activity and not just busy in work and meetings.
*As I have grown, I can honestly say sobriety is many things, and lonely is not one of them.
October 18th: I love seeing the changes in me being a more thoughtful and considerate person — effortlessly — thanks to the work. Also, happy six months of sobriety, legend!
October 20th: The opportunities I long for are coming to me in abundance. I’m so grateful I can be in them, live them, and appreciate them, with my recovery mode initiated.
October 28th: Ummmmm, I might be creating the life I’ve only always dreamed of.
November 3rd: I’ll be home for Christmas!* I am so excited!!!
*The borders opened baby! I used that flight credit from the flight that would have been in 2020 as soon as humanly possible and then paid more money on top of that because prices were WILD. It was worth it yet I am still not-so-slightly holding grudges over the American celebrities who were continuously photographed partying on rooftop bars in Sydney and lounging around Byron Bay while I slowly died alone in Montreal, but ya know, I made it and I did my bit to keep others safe. Eat the rich!
November 6th: I’m thrilled to have Ladies' Nights of tacos and to be making plans to see family and go to the beach. Ahhhhhh! I’m so excited. I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to right now.
November 7th: I see myself working and travelling and living my best life of it all. Let’s do this!*
*We did this.
November 12th: I’m lonely.* So many people to love and who love me. I’m still lonely.
*I send love to this Lauren and thank her for the hard work they put in from here to be able to say today, with complete confidence, that I still spend a lot of time alone and yet I cannot remember the last time I felt lonely.
November 19th: So much to be excited about! I’m loving living in the here and now, as I please, making the most of today however that looks day to day.*
*And day to day it was based on the previous entry vs this one. One day at a time, forever and ever.
December 2nd: The universe has a plan for me and I am so grateful to be here for it!
December 11th: What a lovely thought that I’ve been gone from Australia* for so long that I really miss it and I’m this excited to be back. The same goes for Vancouver** for that matter.
*In hindsight, I never missed Australia (and most places I had ever lived and left) despite declaring that I would NEVER live there again. It was because I was always running away and it was the past versions of me I didn’t want to return to, not the places themselves.
**I had a Vancouver layover planned on my way to Australia as the international flight went from there.
December 16th: I got asked to speak about my writing, and writing comedy about difficult times today. A real writing opportunity* was made possible by kind people and as a direct result of me following my heart.
*More have come. More to come. More joy and following that which lights me up.
December 19th: Gosh, I forgot how much I love to travel. As soon as I was lined up at the bag drop, my anxiety completely eased.*
*I recall how sick I felt at the thought of leaving my home. The place that had held me hostage for nearly two years had also become the only place I felt safe as my sanctuary. Panic attacks were galore leading up to this, like many I never had a panic attack until these weird times. I recall many frozen walks in the snow, on the phone to others, trying to calm myself for days and weeks in the frozen fresh air.
December 20th: Up, up and away! A full moon view on take-off and landing guided my way letting me know it’ll all be okay.
Lovely reader, that’s the final instalment of my lockdown diaries. Thanks for reading along the rollercoaster ride that was my mental health, sobriety, sexuality, writing, career and creator journeys through my solitude that ultimately guided me to be the most authentic version of myself. No outside influences mean there Lauren is and here they have stayed. It was all happening through a global pandemic of which no one was spared the effects, and I am sending us all love for being here now.
I documented this Australian trip while I was there. If you are curious you can read that here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
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here are three things I struggled with this week:
🙃 Hi. Hello. Am I in your way? Please tell me. I don’t know if I am or if I am overthinking things which I also do a lot and maybe this has nothing to do with me at all and I am making myself a main character.
🃏 The tarot pulls are CALLING ME OUT!
⏳ Patience in the plan unfolding at the right pace.
here are three blessings from this week:
🪷 Early morning yoga and meditation on my sister and brother-in-law’s back lawn with blue skies above and a dog who likes to join in.
🤗 Some tiny arms wrapped around my neck for “I trust you” cuddles and some kiddos who are grown enough to help me cook dinner.
🥰 The generosity of others always inspires and teaches me.
here are three goals for the coming week:
🧳 Housesitting is maybe stoicism = an end, an end, an end. Making the most of the precious limited time with pets, places, things, people (strangers and known), and the perks and woes of that particular home and place.
🤸 Do only what I need to, then close the laptop to play with the kiddos.
☁️ I have started to see objects in the clouds again, something I haven’t noticed since I was little. The goal is to stare at the sky more often.
pics or it didn’t happen:
I love you. Now I am off to celebrate a very special person’s first birthday. I am so happy to be here and be an aunty. Doing it from the other side of the world was just not the same.
Thanks for sharing all those diaries. It's been lovely to see you change and grow and become, especially as I didn't know you then 🙂