volume one hundred and seventy

i’ve outgrown that

📍Written on Darkinjung land on a Monday morning, with all the windows open to allow the humid air teasing rain, to circulate. 

Edit: It is wild to me I chose to write and schedule this on Monday, not knowing what the week would bring with it. It feels fitting more than ever. Things are different than they were on Monday. We will march side by side. I love you.

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It is very likely, that no one will need to post about me asking for justice to spare my life. It is also very likely, that no one will need to march for me in the street and beg for my safety and protection. And while not impossible, I also don’t currently have any need to raise money for myself to cover vital treatments or healthcare.

I’m safe.

I’m healthy.

I have shelter.

I have a full tummy.

I live paycheck to paycheck and yet I am living a life of luxury by so many standards, even my own.

Grateful doesn’t seem to cut it.

We live in an age where multi-passionate creatives and humans live across multiple platforms. You might just know me here on Substack for my writing. You might sit in the crowd while I tell jokes on stage. You might know me from my podcast. You might follow along on my Instagram and know me from childhood. I used to think there was a certain place for certain things and I was wrong about that. I am me, and so wherever I am, that me will be there too. I might use the small platforms I have, to give voice to those without any, even if you were just hoping for a selfie or something to make you laugh. So try not to be surprised.

Here’s the difference between older versions of me and the version of me I have thankfully grown into: I do not care anymore whether you like it or not.

Someone might have discovered me for being super funny, or a talented visual artist, or for my gorgeous writing, or for my witty words, or just because they think I am hot. And don't get me wrong, I am indeed all of these things, thank you so much. And more. I am many things. I will not silence them. I am creative, fun, funny, bright, bubbly, joyful and playful. I am a fighter, I am big-hearted and I am a very queer human and a person with faith. I am loud, I’m passionate, and I will use my voice.

When you speak with me, when you watch my Instagram story, when you read my words, and when you see me perform — whether I am spelling them out at that moment or not — know I am all of these things. I am not a brand or a niche or a genre I am a human being. We all are.

Past me chose to ignore big parts of myself. I will not do that again. I love and honour every part of me that comes together to make me whole and worthy. I am a good artist and a good person. I’ll talk the talk. I’ll walk the walk. I’ll spread joy, hope, laughs. And I’ll also speak up every time that I can. I have important and meaningful things to say. I’m a drop in the ocean — this isn’t ego or big-noting myself or my impact — but a lot of drops make the ocean. I cannot deny parts of myself or things that matter to me because they might not be what you subscribed to.

While wondering if I had gotten this volume to where I wanted it to be, I had to ask myself if I was just scared to be honest. I decided I did not need to be scared. Those who love my work, do. I haven’t had it in me for a long time to revolve the world around dissecting and attempting to perfect myself.

I’ve outgrown that and that feels so good.

Lovely reader, head into the comments and tell me how do you acknowledge and allow, as needed, every part of yourself in every part of your life?

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something i struggled with this week:

💟 Giving Gordy kisses goodbye after visiting him in the nursing home, knowing they have to last me until Christmas.

a blessing from this week:

🌈 You ever get such an affirming haircut after so long and then come home and watch G Flip’s full One Night Stand performance and cry because it really can be this simple to be you and for the longest time it felt impossible?

a goal for the coming week:

🛫 Get ahead of what I can before I get to go on an adventure!

pics or it didn’t happen:

reunited with my gorgeous girls (and playing them lots of miley)

I love you and I appreciate you reading my letters because I really enjoy writing them to you.

🧡, LD (lauren deborah | they/she)