volume one hundred and forty-eight

none of you are wrong

📍Written from Naarm otherwise known as Melbourne, before heading to a tour of The State Library of Victoria.

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There are people who say I am one of the nicest people they have ever met. There are others who think I am one of the worst. They’re all right. They just met me on different days.

• When I have been scared I have made jokes at others’ expense, to keep myself from becoming the joke. This absolutely made me the joke, just in a different way.

• When I have been scared I have doom-scrolled for hours without eating, standing, resting, getting water, or using the bathroom, but judging the whole time.

• When I have been scared I have played out imaginary arguments in my head — oh so many! — and lost a lot of them, too, despite my best efforts.

• When I have been scared I have played down others’ achievements because I felt I had none of my own.

• When I have been scared I have stayed in jobs that were sucking my soul right out of me, purely because of the “status” it gave me and this drained those who worked with me as much as the work drained me.

• When I have been scared I have sent that email or that text without leaving it in my drafts to marinate it a while longer.

• When I have been scared I have made sure everyone knew where I was, who I was with and what I was doing, because it was very, very “cool”.

• When I have been scared I have befriended people who were rude to me, just because I couldn’t stand the thought of someone disliking me. Guess what? They were always rude and that never changed and I always let it happen until I made that change.

• When I have been scared I have critiqued people’s creative work without putting any time into my own.

• When I have been scared I have accepted flirting from men I am not interested in because it fed my ego.

• When I have been scared I have looked at everyone else’s faults and ignored my own completely.

• When I have been scared I have cut off strangers in the security line at the airport, for the bus, for a taxi, for a business to open its doors, for free stuff being given away, for the best seat, pushed to the front, raised my voice, spoken unnecessarily and even told them right to their face what I thought of them doing exactly what I was doing which was trying to make it where we wanted to go.

• When I have been scared I have drunk, eaten, exercised, binged, drugged and gossiped into oblivion as an attempt at escape.

Because fear is what has made me behave in these ways, I am trying my best to live without it.

Impossible? Of course. But I can choose how I react to it. That’s who I’ve been trying to be since I decided to.

• Now when I am scared, I try to recognise my jealously. Why am I jealous? If it's because I want what they have, can I confidently and honestly say I have done everything in my power to try and get it? The answer is always no, so my jealousy becomes work to do.

• Now when I am scared, I try to think about what some of my heroes before me would do — both the well-known and lesser-known activists and allies. Would they run? Would they laugh along? Would they stay silent? Or would they speak the fuck up? I speak the fuck up a lot more now.

• Now when I am scared, I try to think about why I feel I am being left behind. Is this actually true? Or am I feeling left behind because I am allowing myself to stay in one place which is the safety of the lounge, alone with my thoughts? I get up and get out, even for a walk around the block. I call someone I love and ask them how their day is going and try not to talk about myself. I drink a glass of water. I put my phone in a cupboard. I pick up a pen and write. I pick up a pencil and draw. I put on a song and dance and sing as loudly as possible. I give all of my attention to an animal. I am very much a moving and active piece of my life when I do these things.

• Now when I am scared, I try to tell myself that I have no control over what happens, only how I handle it. If I miss the bus, if I have to run to make my flight, if I don’t get the last gluten-free vegan doughnut, or if I sit in the back row, I am going to be okay. Like, more than okay. I even try to encourage those around me. Hi. We are all stressed. We are all in this together. I have always ended up getting to exactly where I need to go.

• Now when I am scared, I try to play the tape forward. How does this end? Always badly. Now rewind and handle it differently before it gets there.

• Now when I am scared, I try to check in often. Am I scared because I fear I am losing myself? Or am I scared because this feels risky and exciting and that terrifies me? I take a lot more exciting risks and step away from that which does not light me up. 

• Now when I am scared, I try to take my time making a decision. I step away from things more now than ever. I have learned that stepping back is something everyone who cares for themselves does. It opens the door for someone to be really excited to take my place. The best part of it, is that I can step back with open communication and love in my heart. I have burned a lot of bridges in my life but I haven’t done that in a long time.

• Now when I am scared, I try to think about my role in this. Where have I been in the wrong, or the wrong place, or the said the wrong thing? Can I apologise right away and ask to start again? Can I come back and apologise later? When can I apologise? Because I always can.

• Now when I am scared, I try to say thank you, but no thank you. This is not always received, but I know I have done my part. I can respect myself more for making this choice, and if he doesn’t like it, then that is not my fault. I can only control myself. When he can’t control himself or accept my no, I no longer fear the thought of self-defence or making my ‘no’ clear by any means necessary.

• Now when I am scared, I try to be grateful. I list all the things I do have instead of what I do not. I move on.

• Now when I am scared, I try to ask myself where the fear is coming from. Has this fear come up before? How do I wish I handled it then? Can I do it that way today?

• Now when I am scared, I pray. I meditate. I listen.

• Now when I am scared, I say thank you to the fear and what it is there to teach me.

Lovely reader, head into the comments and tell me what you do when fear rears its ugly head to you.

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here are three things i struggled with this week:

🌧️ Maybe I do like the moody weather too? Maybe I’m not entirely a summer human as I once thought? Maybe too much of anything is actually what harms me.

🙏 “How do I make sure I keep the fire lit on my dreams?” You already are.

📱 Social media is back in my life and I am still having mixed feelings about it. Noticing, just noticing.

here are three blessings from this week:

🎨 Multi-passionate creative here I am. Accepting and loving it. I remember when it was all just thoughts. Floating ideas. Things neglected for a drink or a boy or to be “cool”. 

💓 I’m so glad I’ve stopped running away.

💭 I promise you I didn’t do all this for nothing. I meant what I said. I am keeping my word. I am coming for you.

here are three goals for the coming week:

🦋 I’m just here to make Little Loz proud.

🏡 I promise to only book myself long-term housesits where there is comedy.

🌼 I choose to be kind. I choose to be kind in my successes and in my failures and in my attempts in between.

pics or it didn’t happen:

i walked in and was instantly at peace. i knew. i know.

I love you. Now, having been on the tour I wrote about at the start, I am off to write a list of all the reasons why Melbourne should be my future home. Number 1: The State Library of Victoria.

🧡, LD (lauren deborah | she/they)