volume one hundred and eighteen
lockdown diaries (part 7)
📍Written from a country home outside Melbourne, as two dogs play fight with each other (and are thankfully leaving the cat alone for now).
✏️ This is part seven of my lockdown journals. You can read part one here, two here, three here, four here, five here and six here.
2021
February 15th: I cried a couple of times today and I fantasized about giving it all up and heading to Halifax. My usual fantasy. I think I’ve figured out that when I am sad or angry or frustrated, I think of there because I am homesick and it makes me think of home. It is home.*
*And always will be in so many ways.
February 18th: Nothing new. Nothing exciting. I feel purpose so much and so lost too. Waiting, excitedly, for travel, hugs, dancing, bars, kisses, reunions and all the things I love.
…
WRITE. WRITE. WRITE*. Make time to create.
*Weeeeeeee the fire was lit!
February 20th: The big goal is to work for myself one day.* That and to not feel responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. There is a lot of damage there.
…
Relaxing afternoon beers. This is living.**
…
I need to create in any and every way I can. I need to remember what I wanted to be as a kid and HARNESS THAT! Don’t let go!***
*Well, my dream has been made. I am a freelancer working hours that suit me and for clients I adore and believe in the work we are doing.
**This is living means so much more in sobriety.
***YES! I love you! Thank you to past, desperate, reaching-for-passion Lauren for reminding present-day Lauren how far they have come and how much they want this!
February 23rd: Creative goals/instincts/desires are taking over every ounce of my being and every thought I have at work…*
*HELL YEAH!
February 25th: I think it is becoming clearer to me what success looks like and that is shifting.
…
Trapped. I want to break free. Work isn’t fulfilling me.
February 26th: THE MOON! Oh my, it’s big and full and lovely and walks home from the store staring at her with Miley blaring* are BLISS! I ordered in, drank wine, did a face mask, watched a movie… I love this. I’m glad I gave myself this!
*Some things never change!
February 27th: I got locked out and enjoyed vodkas* on the balcony with my neighbours in the sun. Nothing feels shitty with the sun on you.
*Just last week I recognised I was killing myself with my drinking. This week there is mention of booze in almost every entry.
March 2nd: I am feeling tense in my jaw. It’s bad and I can feel the tension from clenching for hours… who knows how long? Just all sorts right now, with a sore throat and slight tickle which worries me too…My posture sucks. I feel between my shoulders and my tailbone are sore, stiff, out of place… it is a worry that all of this sitting is doing.
…
I miss having drinks with someone and getting giddy and laughing and silliness.
March 3rd: New furniture arrived! I am slowly transforming my place and convincing* myself to stay.
*This word says it all.
March 9th: Why am I so eager to move away? To move on? To do my own thing?
March 11th: A walk with [a friend] made me excited for what is to come and how much this city has to offer. Hang in there baby!
…
Let’s move away! I’m done! The pandemmy sucks!*
*Four (?) seasons (moods) in one day.
March 12th: I cried in French lessons. It’s all so much these days. Homesick, missing family, stuck, loneliness, all of it catches up.
…
Booked myself a damn haircut. I am going to be touched, pampered and have a fucking conversation. I cannot wait.
March 14th: ONE YEAR IN MONTREAL TODAY! To celebrate I walked 20,000 steps in the snow, through the cemetery to Leonard Cohen’s* grave, and to Ta Pies for some Aussie treats.
*Something happened here, I don’t know what exactly, but a spiritual shift that set all the other recurring comments in motion.
March 15th: I fell asleep on the couch again* and I need to break this habit.
*For clarity and honesty, I was passing out, again.
March 17th: I have imposter syndrome! Constantly! So grateful to get to interview people on their coming out but always unsure if I’m even cut out for this or experienced enough to even know what I am doing…I am feeling like I am not good enough.
I need to continue to lean in, acknowledge, enjoy AND LOVE my sexuality.
March 18th: Tired. Tired from not sleeping well. Tired from struggling to wake up each day. Tired from stressing and worrying and being over so many things. I’m tired from missing my loved ones and wishing to be reunited. I’m just tired.
March 19th: I keep not doing my work. Haha. I mean, I’m working and I’m not falling behind on anything, but it is very easy to get distracted and do something like spend the day rearranging the office.
…
I keep falling asleep* on the couch on Fridays and Saturdays.
*As per my last comment.
March 20th: I was 100% too drunk to journal last night. I am a little hungover this morning.
March 22nd: I feel ready to take on the world again with my creative pursuits. I love being creative. I feel so ready and excited. I know I am destined for this stuff and I feel so grateful! I love that I am constantly coming up with creative ideas! I lost it for a bit I felt, and inspiring/empowering chats with [my life coach] today mean I feel all my creativity and brainstorming powers RETURN!
March 23rd: I am anxious, upset, lost, frustrated, down, blergh. I have so many reasons not to be, I feel guilty. But I also have so many reasons to be I need to remind myself how well I am doing with it all.
Lovely reader, when your creative passions called you, did you listen right away? Are you still yet to listen?
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here are three things I struggled with this week:
💔 When someone you have never met, but who has touched your life, passes away it hurts. When they are someone who battled addiction and found recovery, it hits. Sending love to whoever needs it.
🌡️ Melbourne weather lives up to the hype! The heat is on and I am layered up in the morning and by afternoon I am dripping with sweat and wishing there was a pool.
🏡 I love housesitting and solitude, but I also miss my Nan.
here are three blessings from this week:
🪄 I formally reintroduced my Digital Sabbath Sunday this past weekend, after moving and travelling and other things made it impossible for a little while. Oh my word, what a difference! I got so much done! I got BORED and then MADE THINGS and READ and THOUGHT UP NEW THINGS and LISTENED TO THE RADIO and CHECKED OFF TO-DO LISTS OF LITTLE TASKS I HAD BEEN AVOIDING and COMPLETED MY WORD SEARCH! Magical.
🐾 Dogs that snuggle.
😶🌫️ Burning incense in a new housesit and instantly feeling at home in myself.
here are three goals for the coming week:
📖 Find some patience and open the document with my novel. Stare at it a while if I have to. Get reacquainted.
🍩 I found a gourmet doughnut shop in this tiny little town. I will revisit the shop over and over until I have tried each of their (surprisingly extensive range of) vegan options. Two down…
🥬 See how many recipes I can make from the “I need to cut this back, please eat as much as you can” veggie garden in my current housesit.
pics or it didn’t happen:
I love you. Now I am off to head on out on The Heritage Trail, which I discovered by going to the info centre and picking up a printed-at-someone’s-home guide of heritage buildings and sites I can find all within a five-minute walk “downtown”. It is quiet here and I am making the most of it.
"I need to continue to lean in, acknowledge, enjoy AND LOVE my sexuality"
And honey you ARE! And your gender! So exciting! 😁
I've been writing stories for as long as I can remember. Devouring books and other media has been my life for a long time. Even when I went to Uni, it was for the knowledge and the stories and the ways to better understand, so I could create better Things.
The exact mission itself has shifted over the years, but I've always tried to shift with it as much as I felt able. I know I've missed some bits, and I've definitely failed a bunch, but even when I couldn't actively create, my brain never stopped trying.
And anytime I go a short while without creating, I remember that doing so is an essential thing. I can't function if I'm not creating.
I mean, OK, I don't function that well in general, but I function even worse when I'm not giving my brain it's freedom. The exact thing sometimes has to vary, but I need a creative release or everything just turns greyscale, and I go into a slump.
I'm so glad you're finding your way. You have so much cool stuff to give and do and make!
I'm real jealous of your proximity to doughnuts right now!