volume ninety-six

not before liquid courage

After reflecting with a wonderful friend this past weekend, I wanted to revisit lists and how much I love writing them. This is one I have been meaning to write to you for a little while, and feeling grateful for her encouragement of my words, here we go!

Here is a list of things I would wait for liquid courage to do, that now I can do just because I am alive in my mind, body, and spirit.

• Wearing a “cool” outfit. I love seeing people with fashion that makes me do a double take because they’ve gone for what is their own vibe. In the past, I needed several wines before I had the guts even to wear one accessory that wasn’t deemed the latest trend (IMO). Now, my wardrobe has fewer items, but they’re all ones that when I put them on I feel like me, (whatever “me” I want to be that day) and not like an Instagram post of people with influence let’s just say. Additionally, I do not doubt myself in these clothes at all. It feels right.

sorry but you know you are in good company when you and your bestie dress to match without planning it

• I travel solo a lot, and every now and then I might want a photo of a bucket list item or place that also includes me. In the past, I would only have the guts to ask a stranger to take the photo if I had my morning drinkies. Something about the shame of being alone maybe? Now I have no trouble asking someone to snap a pic and will offer to do the same for them (and whoever they might be with). Chatting with strangers is a delightful adventure now.

• Seeing live music was one of the scariest thoughts when it came to getting sober. How on earth could I participate in one of my favourite activities — dancing — without the courage to do so? Also, what were Sundays for now? Dancing is so much better sober, and so is live music. I can appreciate the talent on a level that was never possible before and my body has a mind of its own as it lets the song take over.

• Travelling became different. I used to find a Hard Rock Cafe and order a margarita as a “tradition” to my travels. In reality, it was because as a solo person, they will sit you at the bar. If you have ever been to a Hard Rock the training of their staff is exceptional (and you will very likely not meet the celebrities whose clothes live in glass boxes there). The staff are essentially obligated to chat with you and introduce you to everyone else at the bar, connecting the dots and helping you make friends — a convenient approach to solo travel for an alcoholic. I am happy to say that now my first morning of travel is spent researching and planning all the things I want to see and do while in this new place, usually with a hot coffee in my hand.

• Going on dates. Thank goodness I am just so comfortable in my (demi/bi)sexuality now to never force a situation or numb it out in order to make an appearance of “shoulds”. It has been quite a while since I have chosen to go on a date and that feels so empowering to me now.

• Doing stand-up comedy usually meant a few beers before (and after) my set. This was to calm my nerves. I never thought I would be able to do it sober but what I have found is I don’t forget my jokes, I am more receptive to the audience and their reactions, and I am more myself up there (cue dancing through a punchline vs reciting it from a mental script). Also, my pace and tone and delivery are deliberate and not sloppy and believe it or not, I am not nervous anymore. Could it be that maybe the booze increased my anxiety? Haha. At least I know now.

• Weekends were just an excuse to drink more than I did during the week. It took time, but now I can honestly say weekends are when I rest and feel zero guilt about it (because that rest used to be sleeping off a hangover). Weekends are also time for me to take it easy, get outdoors, eat something from every stand of a farmer’s market, feel the sun and the breeze on my skin in one way or another, have an Artist’s Date, spend quality time with friends (and I mean quality, the type where I listen and ask questions, not steamroll with drunken “Look at me!” stories), and trade screen time for books, hugs, and cooking.

• Having the courage to share my creative work with others has been and continues to be a journey. Accepting that being creative was something I wanted to do had to come first. It was only possible with sobriety. It has seen me start writing again, and share that with the world. It has also seen me start a podcast, sit with my sketchbook, and write new jokes. I am grateful to have the clarity to be bold and brave, and the clear mind to know there is only one way to know.

• Exercise was often a way to punish myself or prove something to myself. I would wake early, and work out hard for at least an hour every morning (except Sundays, my rest/lay in bed all day, day). I would push myself to the point of feeling ill (hangovers contributed) and then I would force myself to meet a certain step count every day on top of it. This, I told myself was all possible because I didn't have a drinking problem. If I did: could I do this? Now, I move my body most days because I want to. I do it in ways that nourish me, get me fresh air, honour my body’s privilege of aging, contribute to my positive mindset, and thank it for all the sitting and typing I do.

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I’m so grateful to those who read my substack 🧡 because I really love creating it for you. This substack will always be free, so in order to support my work in other ways, you can:

🧡 forward it to one friend! word of mouth is the greatest gift to creators.

🧡 listen to my podcast!

🧡 leave a comment on this volume with your thoughts!

🧡 jump over to the hi, lauren deborah! chat and get in on silly conversations discussing things like this:

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

🍑 I often make awkward eye contact with the Dad of the family who live in the building across from me. I am usually at my desk writing in the morning that faces his kitchen where he eats breakfast and reads before his family gets up. This week, given I have been gone a month and assuming he thought it was safe to do so, I saw him nude. Yikes. 

🌞 Is it summer or is it not? Make up your mind Vancouver!

💗 I miss Nanny.

here are three blessings from this week:

👐 After over two years of sobriety, I am finally taking notice of parts of my body and mind I previously numbed out, in that I am taking note of things I need to take care of and see to. Yay, to self-care and health care.

🍹 The gem who made homemade iced tea to bring to a meeting. Yum.

🌲 Spending time IRL with the one and only gem that is

Susannah Rigg

of

Write As You Are

!

here are three goals for the coming week:

🔮Trust my intuition, and when in doubt pull a card. I will either agree or disagree, as my gut tells me what is up.

💩 Maybe not eat dairy for the week. Vegetarian food in Kentucky was basically mac and cheese and potatoes with… cheese. It was delicious but my body disagrees.

🕺Dance.

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

I smiled and danced throughout the whole audio version of

Hal Walker

’s substack. Some substacks are MEANT to be listened to and this is absolutely one of them.

pics or it didn’t happen:

On Sunday, for the third year, I participated in the IG Wealth Management Walk for Alzheimer’s to help raise money on behalf of the Alzheimer's Society, so they can meet the growing demand for programs and services.

These and other resources make all the difference in the way that people affected by dementia are able to manage the disease and live life to the fullest.  

I, of course, walked in honour of my Poppy (Gordy) 🧡🧡🧡

If you are able to and feel like supporting, you can do so here.

I love you. Now I am off to spend my weekend helping my beautiful pal plan last min wedding details, and (hopefully!) get some sunshine!

LD

xoxo