volume forty-nine

I choose you

For the last little while, my ‘struggles’ section of this substack has been much the same. While I have had such wonderful things to celebrate, share, congratulate myself and others on and be excited about, it has all been coming with the overhanging feeling of not enough hours in a day.

Not enough hours in a day where there could be.

Not enough hours in a day where there should be.

Not enough hours in the day where I promised myself this year would be different.

I — being a creature of habit and with an addictive personality — have continued to say yes to work. More work. 

Let’s backtrack for those who are new here (but I will keep it tight for those who aren’t).

The pandemimoore changed us all, there is no denying that. For me specifically, it changed the way I think about work, how I spend my time and to who I give my energy. It also brought back, in some cases for the first time in decades, my creative side. Not just to be creating again, but to make that a priority.

I spent the majority of the first half of 2021 apartment and job hunting in other cities, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to escape the career I had worked so hard to get and trade it in for a more balanced life. The universe pushed back until everything aligned with one city I hadn’t considered.

For my birthday I purchased myself a one-way ticket to Vancouver, and that is where I am now. Living with two amazing friends, waking most days to start writing at 5am, enjoying what will any day now hopefully be a gorgeous west coast summer, getting back on stage to do comedy, returning to my serving roots and loving it, and working only as much as I need to.

Except I am not.

See I have these qualities about me: great communicator, team player, extremely organised, time-efficient, problem-solver, fast learner, hard worker, and positive attitude. They are qualities that make me a great team leader and qualities that over the years have seen me be approached for numerous job opportunities and fast-tracked promotions and management and leadership. I have thrived on that mindset of more. Of leading a team to greatness. Of being the glue.

But this year was about getting rid of that, not just for the year but beyond. And while I am still desperately in love with the idea of pursuing my content writing job that I love, serving a couple of times a week with friends, having some other freelance things on the side, and then spending the rest of my time doing what I love, that hasn’t been the case, and to be honest already is so much, no?

I have spent the better part of the past fifteen plus years saying yes to more. More responsibility, more hours, more money. That is the way my mind has worked and shaking that off has been challenging.

I think back to 2015 when I arrived in Canada on a working holiday, determined that would be my year of balance, that would be there year I put the career path that I was on, on pause, and would work in a job I could leave at the door and then enjoy my time abroad. I lasted three months before being offered a promotion, one of three offered within the same company, and I said yes to two of them.

the first job that wasn’t a uniform and took me to blazer and pencil skirt town

I see that as a sliding doors moment I am getting to re-live now. I have no regret for going down the path I did then. After all, it has made me appreciate my current positions, it gave me so many resume additions, friends made, life experiences, connections, growth and more. But I keep thinking of that young girl who made those decisions and am trying to stop myself from making them again this time, because this time is going to be different.

In the past two weeks, I have been offered a full-time position from one of my freelancing gigs which I had already accepted going from a freelance team member to a freelance team leader with, I have been offered more hours with my content writing position which I happily accepted, I have been approached by a past employer who I love, asking if I am interested in returning, I have been quizzed by one of the amazing organisations I volunteer with about what I am doing for work right now and it has been very much implied they would like to hire me in the near future, I have taken on a collaboration with another writer that I am really excited about, and with travel continuing to come back, my pet sitting alerts have been non-stop.

Oh and let’s not forget this is all while my citizenship application should be worked on and this love letter wants to be written every week and my other writing projects are still in motion and I have friends and family I want to spend time with and there are books to read and pictures to draw and travel plans to secure and other organisations I am loving giving my time back to by volunteering and comedy shows I want to get on and sleeping and eating and showering and going to my recovery meetings.

I caught myself saying I will make this work. But that is not the goal. Making it work is not the goal. Having the balance is, and having the ability to say “thank you but no thank you” is my superpower that I keep forgetting I have the option of.

I wrote an email this week that saw the wheels in motion of stepping back down in one instance and/or getting the support I need to see this out without being stretched. That was step one and it was so well received it reminded me of the importance of being honest, and made me grateful to be working with those I feel comfortable doing so.

I write this week not for sympathy, not for a whine, but for accountability. To say out loud to myself and to all of you that I am aware that old habits die hard. I am aware that despite many, many years of saying yes because that is the way it has been, that I am going to have to get used to saying no.

I am aware that my mindset, although committed and excited about stepping back and enjoying a life of balance, needs the time to get used to that. I need to adjust and shake the feeling I have had of working so hard it makes it easy to let everything else slip by. The feeling of working so hard that it creates the perfect distraction and escape. I can’t change the fact that I have these qualities of a leader, I can change the fact that I can say no to places I no longer want to use them and use them instead to create and to give back and to have time to spend with loved ones.

me @ my dreams

What is also magical, is that there is nothing I want to escape now. Just things I want to embrace. What a beautiful place to be in that I am making a promise to myself that I won’t abandon.

I talk so much in these weekly rambles about how I never want to lose time again, the time that I lost consistently when I was drinking. The capacity in which I have been working for many years has been just as toxic and it is time to let that go too.

How can you claim your time back where you need it? Where are you unnecessarily losing time?

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• 🌅 I love to wake early, as a lot of you know. But as the days get longer and it is still light out at 10pm, it is hard to get myself to bed at a decent time, meaning my 4:30am alarm clock is both exciting and devastating. I want to be a person who can take naps! Power nappers! Send me your tips!

• 💸 I had a scary adult conversation on the phone with a company that has owed me money for reimbursement for over three months. I was eventually told that they don’t actually give these reimbursements. I, very kindly without losing my cool, explained how that was unacceptable, that I had several conversations with other staff who assured me this cheque was already in the mail, but I was still told over and over it couldn’t be done (not to mention that is money owed to me. Period). Well, my big girl boots came on and all of a sudden the cheque is being rushed to me (you know, the one that was already on its way in March and then wasn’t because they can’t do it and now it is)... anyway, that was a phone call I had put off for a few weeks and I happily crossed it off my to-do.

• 🥐  Feeling like a flake. I am tiptoeing the line of saying yes and then backing out because I am overwhelmed, saying yes to things I really want to do and making sure I do them, and saying no from the get-go to things that I don’t. Progress in saying no, that is all I can offer myself today.

Three blessings from this week:

• 📑 I learned—and put into action—that I can set a boundary without having to say it. Have a co-worker that insists on texting you despite you wanting your work done via email only? I can ignore the text, and reply promptly to emails. It is not petty, it is necessary sometimes, and can avoid me having to have an awkward conversation I might not be in the mood for. It made me realise people have for sure set boundaries with me without saying so and how much I respected that when I saw it being done and didn’t at all resent them.

• 😋 I don’t want to brag too hard but someone asked where I’d like to eat and I gave them an answer instead of saying “I don’t mind…” when I always, always mind, I am just a people pleaser. 

• 🪴 I love Sundays, as regular readers may already know. This past Sunday was delightful. I started the day writing virtually with friends, cooked myself some delicious eggs on avocado toast and then spent the day in Chinatown with my roommates — getting delicious food, gorgeous vintage store finds, a new plant baby (Jenny) and endless snacking. I love living with these two delightful humans very much.

Three goals for the coming week:

• 📆 This week I re-jigged how my day goes a little more, after the email was sent that I mentioned above. I am slowly but surely adjusting to freelance life and need to give myself more grace. Yes, it has been over two months of this, but it was over seventeen years of working on someone else's schedule so I need to take that into consideration and be kind to myself as I figure this out. My goal is to be okay with more trial and error as I decide what time of day I am most productive at what, and what time needs and should be spent on each job in order to maximise my time (and stick to my boundaries). No is a full sentence, Lauren.

• 📺 Remove my watchlists from my various streaming apps. I have already started doing this, but it all came about from doing some stoic writing practices and reflecting on the here and now being all I am offered. It really put into perspective how ridiculous it is I have so many things sitting there on my list to watch “one day”. Hours and hours and hours of entertainment that I am never going to get to, and even if I did, would need a lifetime to get through. How refreshing to clear it and then just know, on the once or twice a week occasion I sit to watch something, I choose something that suits how I feel in that present moment, rather than scrolling a long, long list feeling overwhelmed with choice. Go with my gut, not something that feels like another to-do list of which we already have so many!

• ✨ A few writer pals have recently gotten themselves another desk just for writing. They cannot sit there unless they are sitting to write on their projects that are important to them. I have a wonderful desk in my room that I have made to be a cosy and inspiring space, but between my jobs and writing it can sometimes be that I am there all day. I love the idea of a separate space. And although I have massively downsized my possessions, I can find other creative ways to separate the spaces. I have decided that my desk is just for meetings and work-related freelancing things. To create, I will go somewhere creative — my cosy bed surrounded by throw cushions and my plants all in view, or the quiet of the living room before my roommate’s wake, surrounded by (more) plants, and art and the morning light and the mountain views and a moss covered tree out the window, or to a park in the sun, or on the back balcony…

What I am enjoying this week: 

Humble brag but my podcast came back to your favourite streaming service this week with a brand new episode (after a few weeks' break because life happens and we need to take care of ourselves!) and it is magical. We started recording in the studio thanks to the podcast network I am a part of and the incredible producer (and friend) Alexi, whose constant encouragement and want for the best for me and the podcast is ongoing and loving.

Check it out here. I would love it if you use Spotify, if you want to leave a rating and if you use Apple to leave a review. This is so quick and easy to do and really, truly, helps others discover the podcast — and people need to hear more stories of happy queer adults!

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hi, lauren deborah! is free for subscribers every week. feel I am not sharing enough? ask me a question and I will answer it in a future post.

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