volume fifty-one

what’s in a name?

Substack has a new feature that just rolled out! You can now listen to me read you this post if you prefer ^^^ and you can speed it up too if my pace is too slow for you. I pronounce Arkansas wrong and I genuinely had no idea. Now I know, it is hilarious to me and I hope it brings you joy, too.

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I think it’s a sign from the universe.

I’ve never really known any other Laurens. Even the Lauren I am supposedly named after is a point of debate. My Dad says I am named after Lauren Bacall, his sister (my godmother) agrees. My Mum says that she wanted to call me Laura, but because it rhymed with my family’s last name she chose Lauren. I wonder if she knew I would start using a stage name that would then translate to my writing and my social media so that it would become my name anyway? Eventually, morphing again to become LD?

Lauren Deborah is technically my first and middle name even though it's all I have gone by for years now. But when I think about it, Laura rhymes oddly with Deborah too. Regardless, the Laurens in my life have always been so sparse, that it wasn’t even my Mum’s first choice for me. It was my Dad’s though, and that will remain the story I choose to go with— though there are two stories—because my parents love to be right, especially when it means the other is wrong. So I will choose the more interesting one. Let's face it, I wasn’t even able to support my own head on my own when these conversations were happening so I can’t weigh in on what I believe to be true either way, but if I got to choose (and I swear it has nothing to do with people wrongly calling me Laura all the time) I like the version where I am named after one of the greatest stars of classic Hollywood cinema.

Though this is why I think it is a sign from the universe. Because my whole life I have never considered Lauren an uncommon name, yet I have never met another Lauren. Until now. 

When I think about my life, and the goals I have set out for myself—for more balance, growth, creativity, knowing my worth, following my dreams and having a job I love, writing often, writing for work, volunteering my time to places important to me, being with friends that know me and understand me—I can’t help but notice there is a Lauren in each part. You know, aside from yours truly. Suddenly the Laurens are everywhere that my heart is, and it’s a wonderful thing.

The first being the Lauren I have known the longest. It was easy for her to slip under my radar due to the fact that I usually call her by her nickname. The longer I am on this earth, the less time I have for fleeting friendships that were always based on what I could do for that person, and the more time I want to give to the ones that are of mutual love and support with people I admire. This Lauren represents my adult friendships that listen and care about each other. That cheer each other on. That encourage growth and applaud wins and celebrate every step closer to our higher selves. She is the friend who has been there for me every step of my sobriety (of which I am lucky to have many, she was just the first that set the tone). She is the friend I opened up to first about wanting to get sober and the friend who enjoys ginger ales at comedy shows with me and continuously and enthusiastically enjoys hearing about wins from a clearer mind. She is the calm, aware, huge-hearted, connected person who inspires the growth in me by being her and who centres me in this part of my journey, the one of sobriety.

Then there is the world of giving back. I had worked in stand-up comedy for the majority of my adult life. At the end of last year, I decided to break free, and cut ties with a world that has broken my heart so often and only remain in it, in a way that is on my terms and suits me where I am at. I decided to volunteer with an organisation that gives back to this community, in financial ways and in ways that are there for mental health support, to the people who often get left out of the conversation. This was the best way to keep one foot in the comedy door in a way that serves me where I am, and a way that saw me dipping my toes in giving back with my newfound spare time. This led me to be able to start giving back to two other amazing organisations that work with queer communities and set the wheels in motion for that.

It’s no surprise, to you I am sure, to learn that the organisation that saw me kick start my giving-back-to-community approach to life, has someone named Lauren on the team to who I report, and who has so lovingly and with humour, guided me through learning it all.

Of course the possibly most famous of the Laurens in my life, is the one I found in the London Writers’ Salon, where together we have been coined The Laurenation, hosting the majority of the Down Under Writers’ Hours together while everyone else in other timezones sleeps. Lauren No.1, the original Lauren in that space, is the one who befriended me first, seeing our mutual experience of being Aussie Laurens Abroad (and maybe there were other things we had in common too, like being awesome) and then encouraged me to apply to be a host. When we are together we are our full, silly, kind, loving, caring selves and people have come to know and love us — even giving us our to-be-trademarked nickname. LWS has changed my life in so many amazing ways — the little over a year I have been a member has been the most rewarding and exciting yet — but it was Lauren who saw the potential in me and encouraged me to become a host, making this community a part of my life not only to show up for myself but to take responsibility for and feel a part of on a much bigger scale. I never would have known the potential in me without her, and she continues to be that person in my life, like so many in that community. Again, a Lauren guided me through to a magical part of my world and is a huge reason I don’t try and be anyone but myself because there is only one her, there is only one me, and lovely reader, there is only one you. Share that with the world in whatever way makes you feel like you’re flying when you do it. For me, that is writing my truth and I am inspired to do so by this Lauren.

Then came my first ever writing job. The fact that I get paid to write is still something that I am in awe of, and so proud of myself for. I started writing again, really for the first time in maybe fifteen years, during the pandemimoore, in a Writers’ Hour session, and never looked back. I have never jumped into a relationship so fast.

When I felt the joy of giving myself this gift every day, getting paid for it was never on my radar, I was being rewarded in so many other ways, but here I am. My boss’ name is Lauren and she is amazing. She is the kind of boss that you learn so much from their process – how organised she is (my fav), how many amazing ideas she has, how well thought out her plans are, how well researched her work is, and how kind, inspiring, understanding and fun she is, too. 

Working with her is a dream and I still pinch myself that I get paid to do this, and do it for someone who believes in me and saw what I was capable of when I applied. Even if I applied thinking “I won’t get this but what the heck, this is what I want to do, so I will start to apply to jobs”. Then BOOM. The first one I applied for, the one I really wanted that was so perfectly suited — that allows and encourages my voice, that is a space for me to share my knowledge base, is a welcoming and supportive environment — is the one I was hired for, and my position there has only grown since. Pinch me.

So I think a lot about the doors to walk through in life: staying on my path, listening to my gut, avoiding the pulls of the grind that had their claws in me for so long, that they refuse to completely let go. When I think about this, I think of four doors that led to this life and knowing my worth and what to look for beyond the doorway:

~ friendships that are of mutual love, support, and encouragement, that ground me, that see me — friendships that support my sobriety, of which I am thankful to now have many

~ giving back in a community approach to life, which I currently now do with three amazing communities

~ making creating, and being my whole self, a priority. Embracing the fact that there is only one voice like mine, following the butterflies that I get when I spend my time writing

~ making a living from writing, which continues to become my main source of income, slowly but surely

When I think about this, I think of four doors and how they all had Laurens holding them open for me saying “come on in”.

What signs from the universe have you gotten lately? How are you remaining on your path?

I love you,

Lauren xoxo

Three things I struggled with this week:

• ⛔ I am for sure being gaslit and it is frustrating. But there are lessons being learned.

• 🌀 Y’all do you know how scared I am of crows? I haven’t left my house much this week due to a few on the roof next door.

• 💌 Homesick. Missing my Nan and Pop.

Three blessings from this week:

• 🎸 I saw the Elvis movie and I can’t stop thinking about it. I have listened to the soundtrack multiple times a day in the last week. I grew up in a home that listened to Elvis so his music has always been in my rotation, but never have I really thought about him outside of the songs. There is no one I would have trusted to bring me that story more than Baz Luhrmann and I was right. Stunning visuals, incredible mixes of modern music into the soundtrack of Elvis hits in his signature style and moving storylines that ring true, paired with all these elements make you cry and get chills and your heart burst. Ugh. I might go see it again.

• ✨ I am learning to stand up for myself. I actually put in an email this week “I can’t put a company before myself” and I just want to pat myself on the back for that. But also, thank my lovely friend who has been in my texts giving me kind, caring, gentle advice that still strongly stands for putting me first and not taking crap. The love felt and time taken is a huge, huge blessing that I will never say thank you for enough.

• 📵 I deactivated my Instagram temporarily. Those of you who have been reading for a while will know this is a long time coming. Taking a break to reassess, but this is already feeling like it will become permanent and perfect.

Three goals for the coming week:

• 🔦 I wrote a short story, and it's a thriller. I didn’t know it was going to be, but it turns out it is and I am so proud of it. I got some amazing feedback on it and this week I will polish it up, ready to submit away!

• 🚪Take the lessons learned this week and use them to follow the doors I wrote about this week. Let the Laurens light the way!

• 🛋️ Take time out. I wrapped season three of my podcast this week and I am so thankful for everyone who was a part of it. I am going to take some time out between seasons (because it takes a lot of time to create, pals) before planning all the exciting changes in motion for season four!

What I am enjoying this week:

My incredible friend Chelsey Pippin at Pip Cards Tarot is offering £10 tarot readings to raise money for abortion funds in Arkansas and Ohio. Claim yours here.

I got mine and I cried during it in the best way. It was truly so amazing and I am so grateful for this gift that brought me so much creative clarity. I feel all kinds of feelings and am fired up, feeling permission for myself to pursue them. What a wonderful and inspiring read and Chelsey’s words were exactly what I needed to hear. Plus, a cause so deserving of these funds, what a generous offering.

Thank you again, I am harnessing this energy and heading into the month!

My doom-scrolling-free, FOMO-free, anxiety-free, addiction-free, joyful photo dump:

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