volume fifteen

will she? won’t she? does it matter?

On Monday night, something occurred to me. I am not sure when it happened but at some point, my Nan stopped asking me if I had a boyfriend. It’s been a while. A long while. But for even longer than it has been, every time I spoke to her on the phone this question would come up: “so do you have a boyfriend yet?”.

I don’t know if it is because now that the word is out that I am bisexual, she doesn’t know how to (or even maybe doesn’t want to) ask. Maybe it has nothing to do with that at all and maybe she just knows the answer is always going to be no. Maybe she is just aware that if anything changes I will tell her, because well, I tell her a lot of things. So maybe she has decided that we should use our limited time on the phone each week chatting about other more important things like their new pet bird, the fact that my grandparents are both now double vaccinated (yay!) or how much we cannot wait to be reunited (fingers crossed soon, fingers crossed soon, fingers crossed soon). Of course, I agree, these are far more important things to speak about. However, it still crossed my mind that we speak once a week and the question hasn’t come up for a few years now, whereas before, I came to expect it — preparing my quirky or clever answer that would make her laugh and distract her from the truth. “No, no one good enough for me around here Nanny.” — okay but that is also true though.

not really sure what this is but I do believe it is nan and me one christmas morning, in what appears to be me pouring her baileys - iconic

A few years ago for my birthday, a relative of mine sent me some money. This was an extremely generous and unexpected gift. The idea was that I use it to take myself on vacation — as they know my love for travel and my workaholic tendencies. Side note thank goodness for the pandemimoore — your one upside was helping me refocus my priorities to not put work at the top of that list. Until I had all the information, I was still unsure why on earth I was deserving of this gift in general, but also especially as it wasn’t on a big milestone birthday of any kind. The answers were all revealed on my birthday phone call with my [another relative who only gets mad when I talk about them so name removed because they don’t like to hear me talk about the things they did]:

“[insert relative here] asked me if I thought you would ever get married and I said I thought you were close once when [insert name of the only adult relationship I have ever had which was as fucking far from marriage talk as you could possibly be, so I was like oh as my [redacted] you were grasping at any strings for some hope of me walking down the aisle] and you were together, but now I figure, probably not. Anyway, your sisters got money when they got engaged, so you are getting yours now”.

So unnecessary and generous? Absolutely. Also — at the risk of sounding like an ungrateful spoiled little brat — because my oh my wasn’t that so very kind and as a result, I took myself on vacation to New Orleans for Christmas and made lasting memories and crossed it off my bucket list — but this was also, dare I say, a little, while still very generous, and while I am still so filled with love that someone would be so kind… kind of an ouch moment for me.

does this look like someone whose ego has been hurt? nah dude… keep reading.

So why was it such an ouch moment? Why not just a grateful one?

Am I a stereotype of every woman in every sitcom ever who has been planning her big day since she was a little girl? You know, because women’s brains only have room for so much and that should be at the forefront according to television. Do I dream of the day I get to get married? (Get to, because again this is how we, myself included, have been phrasing it for some time and it got me thinking: I get to? Not I want to? Not I am excited to? Not I have chosen to?…for the record you can still be all those things but why is “get to” to way it gets put so often?) Have I fantasised about being a wife? (To a rockstar doesn’t count.) Have I picked out the perfect dress in my dreams? Do I know who my bridal party would be? To all of the above, no. But that doesn’t mean that if asked will I ever get married the answer is no. This kind of felt like my family was like “if not by now, then never”.

***PLEASE KEEP READING I PROMISE I WON’T SOUND LIKE A SPOILED SHIT THE WHOLE VOLUME***

Why, like so many things in life (career and the stereotypical idea of success, children, buying a house) are things expected of certain people, and if they don’t have them by a certain age it is also then expected they don’t want them (or worse want them but “meh by this point she is never going to get them”). This rant is not a stab at my lovely, lovely relative who gave me the money that meant nothing but kindness and for the record is one of the most supportive people when it comes to my sexuality, love for travel, love for independence and my living abroad and is constant emotional support and cheerleader. This is just a more general thought — and well yeah maybe aimed at [redacted]’s comment a little too, that there might be something deeper there. Like that ex was so far from the right match for me it’s laughable, yet [redacted] imagined a wedding? I am concerned, mostly for what that says about me.

All of that to say, that I also think [redacted] and this generous relative were actually maybe onto something super empowering and cool, too. Maybe my comments up until this paragraph are just me being defensive instead of just being thankful. It is true, I might never get married and I would be as okay with that as if I do get married, because either way that is a choice I would make based on where my life ends up. In which case, if I do not meet someone who is the kind of person who has me feeling like I want to marry them, and I keep on living as happily independent as I currently am, or maybe with someone great but just not want to marry them, I am not at all offended and think this was the coolest gift ever.

Like I have said before (and got a lot of internet hate from strange men — SO YOU KNOW I MADE IT!) why should I have to wait until I am engaged to enjoy certain things? Big shoutouts to the cool people in the comments saying how their friends have parties to celebrate being single, and buy each other gifts. Like HELL YES. (I know, I know, but if you spend all your money on a wedding and it costs you several hundred dollars per head, the least they can do is buy you a gift because that is what makes you deserving of said gifts, not just by existing Lauren, you entitled brat). But like, okay so then listen to this, HEAR ME OUT — so if I do ever get married I will do one of two things. First, I could invite you all to a big, grand do and spend hundreds of dollars on each of you and as a result, the gifts better be fucking impeccable according to a lot of the people who gave me hate on the post tagged above. Or, and this is my preferred option — I elope, invite none of you, spend the day focussing only on the (presumed) love of my life, then I post some hot pics on social media and drop a bomb on you all. Then you shower me in emoji comments, maybe send me a text, or if you feel like it, maybe even send a nice card to say congrats and we all save our money and buy ourselves a trip to New Orleans (or wherever, it is your bucket list).

again, she just looks utterly devastated.

Look I feel like I maybe lost some of you this week because — let’s be honest — there are some pretty entitled and selfish thoughts being thrown around in this volume. If that is the case that is of course okay, because we don’t have to all share opinions and you don’t have to like mine, just as I don’t have to like yours. This, after all, is my digital journal where I come to word vomit, and I like to be as transparent as possible here. The idea is not for you to like me (although of course that is preferred and fuels my ego and sense of self-worth). The idea is for me to be real and honest and human. I spend so much time seeing people (including myself) put their highlight reels on social media, this is where I come to be like “maybe this will shock you but I am not perfect, I am not always excited and happy and kind. Sometimes I am kind of [selfish/shy/scared/sad/unsure/angry/lost/hurt/rude/jealous]…”

So if the most refreshing, awesome, badass, encouraging-my-independence gift I ever got, maybe for a second first made me think “hang on a minute… am I being trolled?” then please just remember I am allowed to have those thoughts. I am then also allowed to go to New Orleans and not be able to thank that relative enough for the memories and happiness they gave me. I am also allowed to be, a few years on, still in disbelief that they would do such a kind thing and feel a few ways about it due to some maybe insecurities, even if it is above all love. Maybe this week was me convincing myself more than any of you?

Bottom line is, weddings are fun and I have happy cried at every one I have been to. Love is amazing. Spoiling people with gifts is something I love to do. My favourite way to be spoiled by others is for them to get me, accept me and love me. So to that relative — thank you so fucking much for getting me, accepting me, loving me and supporting my life, the way you have always done long before the cool as fuck gift.

I love you,

Lauren

xoxo

sincerely, a spoiled brat who snapped herself out of it

Three things I struggled with this week:

• Don’t you just love losing precious sleep due to hours of cramps each month? Just me? Nothing eating my body weight in chocolate, some morning stretches and a hot water bottle can’t fix. But I always go through quite a few, long hours of hell before I can even think straight to try any of these things. So, actually, maybe it is just a coincidence and the cramps have worn off at the same time I am like “Ooooh yummy! Chocolate!”.

• Screen time is creeping back in. I notice it when I am feeling a little blue — like the crampy days or as mentioned last week, the days where I didn’t make any plans for myself, and I have already relaxed enough that I think: “distractions, please!”. As I write this today, the cramps are gone and I have exciting plans throughout the week. Today is a new day to consume less and create more.

• A space I consider a safe space had an unwelcome guest this past week. Of course, this can happen anywhere at any time and I am very privileged and lucky to have been safe in general all this time. It really took me by surprise and made me feel uneasy for a good day or two. Thankfully I chatted it out with some trusted people and feel much better, but it certainly kept me on my toes.

Three blessings from this week:

• Got to help welcome two dear friends into their new home after a beautiful day spent lunching and thrifting with one of them (they just moved from London). Gosh, I am so happy they are here!

• Snail mail! I got the sweetest, loveliest (in the most beautiful handwriting, my word!) card all the way from Florida! Grateful to London Writers’ Salon for all the amazing connections I have made, this one especially <3

• Without giving away too much yet — boy oh boy — the life I have been manifesting is truly coming together. I am so lucky to have people trust me with pursuing things with them, I am so proud of years of hard work and dedication and excitement earning me these opportunities and I am so excited that I get to spend my days as I have always dreamed, very soon.

Three goals for the coming week:

• I made an appointment for this week to go and enrol in French classes! I am going back to school and will be a very eager étudiante.

• Reach out more! I had a dilemma this week, a decision-making dilemma, that I was stewing on, wondering what in the heck option am I going to choose? All the options have their pros and cons. Do I choose the one that makes more sense financially? Do I make the choice that means I won’t be stretched thin in my time and energy? Well, the magic of reaching out to a friend and laying it out for them, means sometimes they come back with another option you never thought of and you think “thank goodness for you, to get me out of my tunnel vision!” and now you have an extra option, that is the best option and will not leave you stretched mentally, physically or financially. Goal: Remember I am not a burden for asking a good friend for help.

• TW: Mental health and suicide: I've done it! I completed my 100km challenge in One Foot Forward for Australians impacted by mental illness. I've helped (thanks to everyone who donated) fund vital mental health research and support tools for people who need them most. Thank you to everyone who has sponsored me so far, it means so much and your support kept me going throughout the month. If you haven't had a chance to support my challenge, it's not too late! According to the website, every $80 I increase my donations by can support 10 more people with access to their MyCompass program. It would mean so much to me if you'd support my walk this October. I will continue to log my kms for the remainder of the month to see how far I get — with every dollar donated I will get a little more spring in my step especially as the temperature continues to drop here in Canada (;

What I am enjoying this week: It baffles me I haven’t mentioned this before but please go listen to PodGis! It is a wonderful podcast hosted by one of my most favourite people, and an incredibly talented comedian — Al Val. (Who if you have listened to my podcast you may recognise).

Al Val is one of the kindest, funniest, warmest humans. She has been a delight to know over the years, and I have had the pleasure of watching her perform on stage many, many times. Her podcast is a solo style, stream of consciousness delight that (my) words won’t do justice. Just listen for a big belly laugh and a big warm hug and honestly, to learn some stuff too, all in one place.

Al Val rants about thoughts she had during the week, gender, and a wide variety of topics, all while injecting a little therapeutic optimism in there.

A podcast full of impressions, non-sequiturs, wild, silly thoughts... but above all, it's a podcast full of heart.