volume eighty-two

spoiler: she survived

🧡🧡🧡 Hey pals. There isn’t a voice version this week. Every time I went to do it something was stopping me and I think it’s because, as you may discover from reading, this was too much for me to read this week. If you decide to skip this one because listening is your thing, I totally respect that and want you to do what is best for you! My voice will return next week. 🧡🧡🧡

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It was a day like any other, in that I was living it more or less deliciously. Except it wasn’t a day like any other because it was my birthday. Even though the yummy coffee I prepared myself with breakfast, the early morning movement of my body that took place with the sun rising, the little bit of day job work I had to get done, and the walk for ice cream were all pretty standard for a day in the life of… there was the added element of texts and phone calls of well wishes and the feeling of gratitude for the gift of another year.

It was on my way back from getting the ice cream it shifted. Arms full of fresh produce from the grocery store and belly full of cake batter and coffee ice cream mixed with oreo from Cold Rock enjoyed at the beach before collecting said produce, I was making my way back to the house in the summer heat to continue my day planned out:

• Sketching

• Reading

• Delicious dinner

• Outdoor movie

Maybe I was lost in my thoughts, but then again I always am. Maybe you’ll think I was on my phone or had headphones in, but I didn’t. I came to an intersection and paused, as I always do, the way my parents and The Wiggles taught me to. Straight in front of me was the road to cross to continue along the footpath, to my left oncoming traffic speeding down the main road, and to my right, a residential street where a large white ute was approaching. 

I waited and intended to cross once the ute was out of my way. The driver waved at me, in the way drivers do when they say “I am not breaking through that traffic any time soon, you may as well go!”. At least I think that’s what happened.

I waved back to him with a “Thank you!” and I stepped onto the road. As I made my way in the front of the ute, a bus came towards us in the lane headed towards me. I immediately thought “That feels a lot closer than I would like, I wonder if this ute knows how close he is?” and also, “I have made a huge mistake,” but knowing I was too far gone to turn around now. I needed to keep going straight because to turn would be to be kidnapped by a speeding bus.

Then I felt how close the ute was. Whether he knew it or not didn't matter anymore because he was pushing against my right thigh and therefore pushing me onto the busy road, accelerating and slowly picking up his pace right into me. My body was too caught up in its motion to take the several steps it would take to get to either side and I was left with no choice but to move with it or be forced under it. The momentum was picking up and I knew if he didn't stop, me and my vegetables would be mush.

The two-wave exchange indicated the driver would wait and yet there I was, halfway across passing the front of his car when he began driving. It’s not like we both laughed at each others’ politeness and went to go at the same time and both stepped back to really let the other go. Instead, I was several paces out, several steps into the street, almost halfway to my destination, and then he said it was go time. 

I began banging on the hood of the car with my fists, and yelling “Woah! Woah! Woah!” which may as well have been a “Hello! Hello! Hello!” as the weight of it kept pushing me into the road, a road thankfully with a slight break in traffic approaching that this ute had decided to drive into. My feet stepped back and fell back and tumbled back trying to keep up.

My eyes adjusted to the driver and I realised his eyes were not on me at all, but on to his side, to the lane he was pulling into, making sure the gap he was accessing was still there. I knew it was. Just like I knew it was a matter of a blink before he was at full speed taking advantage of the break.

I banged louder, desperate, and my body instinctively pushed back, trying to play a reverse tug-o-war to fight the car away from me. When his head spun and he saw me his eyes grew wide. Moments passed that were seconds and he hit the break so that I was able to stop my avoiding-death-dance and release my hip glued putting up a fight and my knee twisted under the weight that had been milliseconds off being taken under completely, the rest of me with it. All my body was doing was trying to use my weight to stop it. In any right mind, I would know none of that would work but this is what my body chose to do in those moments. It chose to push back.

I looked down at my hand as I made my way to the other side of his car. My finger which sports an oversized ring was throbbing and my thigh felt like I had just been kicked. I had made it to the other side of the road and I had made it to the side the driver sat, winding down his window.

Then I yelled, “You fucking idiot!”

You fucking idiot. That’s what I said.

I am still not sure if I said it more than once or if it rang in my head so many times on the rest of the walk home that it felt like I did. But his response was to yell something about him having his eyes on the traffic and not me (clearly) and to drive away in anger. And probably shock.

You fucking idiot is what I said in total fear.

It’s what I said in total anger.

It’s what I said in total embarrassment.

Somehow, I made it the rest of the walk, as my knee, thigh, and ankle began to throb and the panic began to set in. Straight away I thought about the injuries that show up later, once the adrenalin has worn off, or so I have heard.

Just. Get. Home.

Then assess. Home. Wherever I lay my head these days. At the moment it's in the company of a three-year-old fur ball but with no human that knows me less than 4000km away — something that had never occurred to me until right then.

Home, where I told myself to just unpack my groceries and wash my vegetables and keep my mind off it. Home, where I responded to some birthday texts trying to sound normal but coming off short because I couldn’t focus. Home, where the panic attack started setting in and my vision blurred and my hands began to shake. Home, where I said aloud “Not right now” to the tasks I was to do next and took myself to lay on the bed. Home, where the dog curled up next to me — in a way he never had, usually choosing to curl at my feet — and rested his head on my lap. Home, where my breathing took its time to slow until it was in sync with his as I pet his head and I thanked him over and over for being there. Home, where we lay there a little longer and I had a conversation with myself. Home, where I am so lucky that after inspection, all I had with me was a quickly bruised thigh and a racing heart. Home, where I pulled off my lapus stone ring to see it was totally bent out-of-shape presumably from gripping on for my life, and no memory of gripping anything.

You fucking idiot. I hate that I said that. I hate that I responded in that way. I am trying to find compassion for myself at that moment. I am trying to think if he ever waved me across the road at all. I am trying to think if he did but thought my wave back was a “No, you go ahead”.

I am trying to figure out what Big Picture message the Universe was delivering to me. If I figure that out before sending this to you all later this week, I will let you know. But for now, I am totally okay with the message just being “Be safe out there”.

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

💓 As a wise friend said to me this week, and it is something I am still learning: Needs are not negotiable.

🫣 Distractions.

🤷 I was hit by a fucking car.

here are three blessings from this week:

🙏 I am here to tell the tale and even with what happened I can still say I had a fab birthday. Imagine. I am totally in love with my life.

🎂 The realisation that without a post declaring to the world, not as many birthday wishes came in compared to previous years — and you know what? It is the perfect trade-off for life without social media and it is very worth it. I actually spend a lot of my birthday not wanting to look at my phone so this helped.

✂️ I have entered my mullet era. It is a pixie mullet still until it grows. But I have arrived.

here are three goals for the coming week:

🎴 The tarot cards keep sending me a different version of the same message: Don’t buy into other people’s dreams, visions, and hype. Stay true!

🫖 Clear and open communication because spoiler! It works really well.

🐌 Send postcards!

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

Look, I have been on a huge triple J binge since starting my solo tour Down Under. From dawn til dusk baby. So just to say there is an app, if you fancy, that includes not only triple j but also Double J and triple j Unearthed AND podcasts AND just your fav programs singled out to go back and listen to AND OF COURSE Like A Version!

pics or it didn’t happen:

birthday tarot spread

I love you. I’m so grateful to those who read my substack 🧡 because I really love writing it to you,

LD

xoxo