volume eighty-seven

trying my best

I am in constant search of ways to take the things I do not like about my life, or habits I am trying to break, or skills I wish I had, or rituals I wish to incorporate into my day-to-day and make them a natural part of my life. Something that comes without thinking about it. Something that comes without trying. But I have to train myself to be there.

First, I recognise the intention. Maybe its (always) less social media or screen time, more drawing, experimental meals and expanding my cooking resume, less coffee, more reading, less emails, more walking, going back to stand-up comedy (again), writing postcards and letters on a regular basis… then I come up with the plan (or put it at the end of my substack in my “goals section) that almost always involves filling a gap in my calendar for when this new found hobby, or a reminder of the habit I am breaking, or making, is to occur. A promise to myself that this is now a part of my colourful Tetris of obligations that is my iPhone calendar.

Look up a new recipe to try this week!

Read 20 pages before you turn on your phone!

Take a walk break between work!

I genuinely want to make the most of this one life. I don’t want to waste time doing things I really don’t want to, or that technology has forced me to or die with regret that I never got around to doing something (that would have been so simple!) on my list. I want joy and passion and kindness and variety and exploration to fill every ounce of my existence and I will stop at nothing to get it. I also want spontaneity, room for change, and flexibility in my days, and never seem to be able to entirely grasp the concept of that.

Sometimes the changes stick, and sometimes they don’t. It is because I find out by applying them that I love them or they weren’t what I thought they’d be. That’s okay. The point is I tried so there will never be a question of what if?

I have been bullied by friends who mocked me because I am doing “the next thing”. To be fair, back then, I was sharing every one of my goals on Twitter and at the time I was plunging into cold showers every night and wanted everyone to know about it. To be fair, I also had friends start sharing goals of their own and thank me for the inspiration so… 

I have been supported by loved ones who recognise the changes I try to make and appreciate my taking care of myself. They have noticed, they have commented, they have praised, they have filled my cup with comments like “You are still you, but a fuller, happier you”.

I have doubted myself over and over around my constant need to improve. Then I just make it my next goal to find ways to rid myself of that doubt. Then I make it a goal to make less goals, to make sure there are gaps in my calendar. Just this week, I lined up objects along the dinner table — a space where I really only need one seat free — where they cannot be ignored. The items are things I want to do but have been ignoring, they sit there as a message: “Every time you want to pick up your phone or check your email, pick me instead.”

There are:

~Pamphlets from a festival I went to recently, that I want to read.

~Postcards with names and addresses I want to write and send.

~Poems from an art exhibition I want to sit with.

~Patches to be sewn onto my backpack, and a little sewing kit too.

~A stack of find-a-words that my Nan and Pop collect for me from every Sunday paper.

~My sketchbook and pencil case.

This has been working. The line of items invite me in, and have even distracted me for far longer than I have “set aside”...

Goals work for me.

I am sitting here writing you this love letter because at one point my goal was to quit my day job, become a freelancer, and choose my own schedule so I could prioritise my writing. Before that, it was to find more balance between my full-time job and my creative desires. Before that, it was to start writing again…

Lovely reader, do you seek out new things constantly? Do they take over sometimes? Let me know in the comments.

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I spend many hours a week writing, recording and preparing these love letters for you and it brings me so much joy. I want these to always be free so in order to support my work and keep these coming at no cost, you can:

🧡 forward it to just one friend! just one! telling them you love it, and you think they will too! or share it on your social media if you’re feeling super generous!

🧡 follow my podcast!

🧡 join the hi, lauren deborah! chat, another free space for fun and silly conversations! you can now access it through your desktop (scroll and click “open on web”) so you don’t need the substack app to join in on silly conversations discussing things like this:

🧡 leave a comment on this post telling me what you think of this volume!

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here are three things I struggled with this week:

🪡 I am not, nor will I probably ever be an expert in hand sewing. But I get the job done eventually.

🏠 A perfect, gorgeous, mahogany, leather, four-legged footstool in perfect condition for $40 at an op shop is the first time in months I have craved a home. The craving left soon after but it's funny what will do it.

💉 Looking ahead in my calendar and realising that my birth control is due at the end of this week, therefore I have an excuse for the behaviour I have been experiencing. But now also a knowing it isn’t going anywhere until then.

here are three blessings from this week:

🩳 The perfect fitting pair of high-waisted denim shorts from an op-shop! She's so lucky!

😌 Went into a tricky work meeting that I was stressed about, and we all left laughing. It works if you work it.

👀 I am booking more and more dream guests on my podcast and I am so excited for you to hear from them! Watch this space!

here are three goals for the coming week:

🖃 Go to the post office and send my postcards.

🌊 The weather warmed again! So I want to go swimming! Again!

⏳ I used the power of a pause this week, I didn't answer right away and asked for more time to think about it. More of this.

here is something I enjoyed this week: 

I re-listened to this episode and was cry-laughing on the train. A gift.

pics or it didn’t happen:

but did your housesit actually have a library if you didn’t get a mirror selfie?

I love you. I’m so grateful to those who read my substack 🧡 because I really love writing it to you,

LD

(Loz)

xoxo